Another emotiony update

                                    

                                          
Hiiiiiiiiiii
                          
This is probably emotiony, maybe triggering to some. 
                          
My emotions are always either nonexistent or killing me. I either can't understand what I'm feeling and don't feel things or I am overwhelmed and unable to think. It's either "things are great and I'm okay" or "things are hell and I can't do this." Except with confusion in between. I keep getting this feeling that I'm a terrible excuse for a human being. That I'm a freak. That there's something wrong inside me. That I'll never make it. But at the same time I'm thinking that everything is okay and there's nothing wrong with me and I'll succeed and be okay. And it's a mental fight all the time where I'm hating myself and telling myself to love myself. And I don't know which to believe.  
                          
I can only handle extreme emotions. Really happy? Awesome, let's sing Fall Out Boy. Really angry? Cool, you can punch my pillow and rant to me. Really sad? Here's a hug and tea, I'll listen. But then there's the little, normal emotions in life that I don't feel and can't understand. Like I can deal with major stuff, but in regular conversation I don't know what to say. I just deal with the minor stuff and move on and then I see people so upset over superficial things that within a week they'll probably forget about. 
                          
I've been called heartless and a robot for my lack of sympathy to these situations, and indeed I may be. But it's because there are so many worse things than having a bad hair day or being out of chewing gum in class. And I just don't see how people feel those emotions. The normal things. I don't understand crushes because I rarely feel them and when I do I ignore it rather than making a fool of myself and giggling and flirting or expressing emotions in any way like most do. When I'm angry I breathe and control it, rather than hurting anyone as many would do in some situations I've been in. I'm known for being calm and forgiving, though it's just the same as being emotionless because I don't care if someone screams at me or tells me I'm worthless. I just move on and push the emotions out. And in a way, though I'm overwhelmed with emotions and can hardly think straight with their burden, I hardly feel anything. I don't feel normal emotions. Yet I feel too much and think too much. My head is too filled with thoughts. 
                          
I believe I can make it. But I don't think I'll go far. I believe I am worth something. But I believe the world would be better off without me. I believe I'm going to be okay. But I believe I will always be broken. I'm so confused. 
                          
Love ya,
Carter
<3 ;