"What's wrong?" I asked awkwardly. I went over to him, but I was shit at comforting people, so I ended up gently patting him on the shoulder.
                          
He sniffled. "God, what was I thinking?"
                          
"Thanks, buddy."
                          
"Not like that," he bubbled. "No one knows I like guys. And my first time was supposed to be special. It was supposed to be with some nice girl that I could settle down with and have kids, so I could try and forget about... telling people. I never thought I'd have to tell anyone. No one back home likes gays."
                          
"Were you expecting magic and sparks and shit? That's not what losing your virginity is like, and whether you lost it to me or someone else, it's always fucking shit. Don't give in to the unrealistic expectations, because you're bound for disappointment every time." I paused. I wasn't helping, he started sobbing uncontrollably, heaving. "You want to know how I lost my virginity?" I offered.
                          
I couldn't tell if he nodded or not, so I continued to tell him anyway. "I was thirteen. A guy four years older than me, we went to the same school. His name was Henry. It was in the school showers, after swim practice. It was weird and awkward, and it fucking hurt, because he was so much older than me, and he was huge. I think I cried for days after, so just cry, just get it out of your system. It's okay to cry."
                          
"God, I'm so fucking stupid, embarrassing myself like this," he cried, burying his face in the sheets to wipe away the tears and hide himself from me. "Only Sawyer Cottonberry would start crying after having sex for the first time, I'm such a loser."
                          
"Nah, it's okay," I told him. That was when I felt myself wrapping my arms around him, and even I didn't know why I did it. Maybe it was because he was cute, and had puppy eyes, and looked so sad. But it was more likely because I knew how it felt randomly losing your virginity, and what made it worse for me was that afterwards, I cried alone and to myself. I wanted to make sure that Sawyer had someone there with him, who could comfort him, even just a little.
                          
"I'm sorry," he said, quivering in his voice. He pulled apart. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to break down on you like some over-emotional freak. I just, I can't help it."
                          
"You're sensitive, it's cute, don't let someone take that away from you, or put you down because of it." When we pulled apart from the hug, I felt him take my hands again in his. When I looked up to face him, his eyes were already planted firmly on our intertwining fingers. I could tell that it was all probably so new to him, being with a guy.
                          
"Sensitive," he chuckled. "That's just another word for clingy."
                          
"Clingy is cute."
                          
He laughed again, finally lifting his auburn head to look me in the eyes. He blinked, but kept looking at me, looking for something on my face or in my eyes that would help him. Make him feel better. And then, he leaned in slowly, pausing as our faces were inches apart, holding himself there, close to me. The tip of his nose nudged the end of mine, and I took that as my queue, and closed the space between us.
                          
I didn't really know what I was doing. Last night, I'd gotten way too drunk to be charging people for sex, so this guy probably had no idea what line of work I was into. Usually, when I got that drunk and I ended up waking beside some strange fuck, we'd say an awkward goodbye, or we'd just leave, and that was that. We'd never see each-other again. But this one, he was different. He held my hand, and he stayed, and now he was kissing me. It was new territory.
                          
Why was I letting him? Why was I giving into the idea of being with someone for more than one night? I didn't even know. The last time I let myself love someone, they ended up committing suicide, so I'd mentally declared to myself that I would stay away from relationships. I'd told myself for the last year that relationships were just no good, we didn't work well together at all. They always ended up failing somehow, so I knew I had to keep away from them.