Chapter 5

                                    

                                          
Phil's pov:
                          
Once again I was unable to sleep and was thinking about Dan. It was weird but I think I liked him, not as a friend anymore. I wouldn't say love yet, it's not that far. To be fair I don't even think I'm gay.
                          
From the depths of my thoughts I heard someone banging cupboards in the kitchen. This can't be him banging his arm. I groaned and rolled out of bed, pulling on a t.shirt, I never understood how Dan slept in a t.shirt. Wouldn't it just twist around your body as well as the sheets? It sounded horrible, then again girls managed it.
                          
"What the hell Dan?" I groaned as I saw him going through the cupboards looking for something, he grabbed a box of Malteasers and sat down on the floor to eat them. He hadn't heard me.
                          
"Dan?" I asked. He started talking to himself whilst holding the chocolate in front of his face.
                          
He looked up at me. "Shit Phil it's like 3am."
                          
His speech was slurred and his head quickly dropped to the ground. "Dan, are you drunk?" I couldn't believe I was seeing him drunk and alone at 2 in the morning.
                          
He held his fingers up to show a little bit but this was clearly not a little bit.
                          
"Are... are you o.k?" This was scary but maybe he would tell me what's wrong.
                          
"Yeah, fine, I'm fine.." He trailed of and repeated variations of telling me he was fine until eventually he stopped and turned to me. "I'm trying."
                          
His beautiful brown eyes filled with tears and I sat down on the floor next to him, a lump forming in my through just from seeing him like this. So weak and vulnerable.
                          
"I'm trying to be o.k but I can't. Everything is shit and I can't handle this."
                          
"Dan what's wrong? Has something happened?"
                          
He laughed, it was cruel and sad "No. Nothing has happened and that's why it's so shit, because I can't cope with basic life. Literally nothing bad has happened yet I'm drunk on the floor at 2am and I can't stop crying. Other people have difficult lives and genuine problems. I don't deserve to be sad. I don't mean I deserve happiness I just mean I don't deserve to be sad and cry and wallow in self pity when other people have bad lives and have to be strong. I'm pathetic."
                          
His head dropped and his body shook as huge sobs took over. He fell to his side and laid on the floor, his eyes glazed over as he stared at the melted Malteaser in his hand.
                          
"Dan-" He cut me short from talking and stared at me.
                          
"Stop it Phil. Don't waste your time trying to fix this. I have a million problems and that last thing I want is to hurt you. I love you too much for that."
                          
Most of his words were slurred and his head turned away from me before the end.
                          
"I think I might love you too Dan. I mean it's complicated but-"
                          
He abruptly stood up and walked to the door. "No! You're not allowed." He said coldly and left the room with his Malteasers on the floor.
                          
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Dan's pov:
                          
Last night was the same as usual except I had drunk a lot more and my head was now throbbing. I pulled myself out of bed. It was 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
                          
I stepped into the bathroom to shower before anything else. I put on the small light above the mirror since the overhead one was too bright. Thankfully I found paracetamol in the cupboard, as I reached up I felt a familiar pain in my arm. This was nothing knew, I had self harmed whilst drunk before. I smiled at the pain. The sharp discomfort the day after cutting was actually comforting in my weird twisted way.
                          
My thighs seems the most healed so they were now my target. I cut deeper, pushing the blade far into my legs and feeling the warmth of the blood on my skin. My skin felt as though it had been repeatedly hit by a wooden plank covered in nails that had stuck in my skin and been dragged right to the edge.
                          
The pain was unbearable but I continued until I heard the front door. I rushed through my drying routine and stepped through into the hall in black joggers and a grey t.shirt.
                          
"Hello?" I shouted.
                          
"It's just me I went to the shop." It was Phil.
                          
I continued walking into the lounge and felt the pain of the cuts on my legs. These were deep. Phil was standing in the kitchen with a carrier bag on the table, emptying it's contents into the fridge. The sight of food was attacking my hangover with nausea, but one thing would be my savior.
                          
"Phil did you eat my Malteasers?" I shook a half empty box at him.
                          
At first there was a look of concern mixed with relief before he smiled at me and took a new box out of the shopping bag. Well that was confusing. Have I missed something?
                          
I thanked him for the Malteasers and put them into the cupboard, carrying the half empty box into the lounge. Before I put them down I could feel something warm on my leg. Thank God these joggers are black. Phil stared at me as I hurriedly walked past him into the bathroom, I needed to patch my legs up quickly so that the blood didn't stain my joggers.
                          
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Phil's pov:
                          
It was clear Dan had no memory of last night, he brushed it of like nothing and somehow managed to act as is he had no hangover. He seemed... used to this. It was sad last night, sitting with Dan on the floor but I still wasn't sure what was wrong, it seemed like he was depressed.
                          
He said he loved me though, that had made my heart feel like it had been replaced by butterflies. I wanted to cry as the image popped into my head of his stone cold eyes glaring down at me as he said I "wasn't allowed". How could he just decide that I wasn't allowed to love him? Well at least now I know I do. I would keep an eye on him now, make sure he really was o.k because I couldn't bare to see Dan so weak as before.
                          
Since he didn't remember he would keep acting like nothing happened and I just needed him to trust me, to understand that I could help. Then maybe once he realized he he could be happy, he would let me love him.