Chapter 2: Planting Hope

                                    

                                          
[Annad's PoV]
                          
I was broken and lost. The colours around me suddenly drained and all I saw was black and white, sometimes grey. Never knew what my purpose was. Never felt the need to live. I listened to what others told me and I believed it. One person could lie, but an entire society is hard to doubt. Hated I was, alone I am, confused I felt.
                          
 Each day stung bitterly. The nightmares I've been through kept flashing in front of me. The words I've been told was on rewind in my head. The messages that have been sent dug into my skin. My wounds haven't healed and I don't think they will.
                          
"Why" I asked myself "I try to help others! I try to be good! I try my best to fit in!"
                          
Others would look at me and call me over dramatic, but through the treatment I received; my vision grew dull. Maybe because of that I saw my self as an out law. A cast away. A reject. I mean why wouldn't I think that.
                          
No one at school enjoyed my company. I'd always be told to go somewhere else. Explains why my seat was unstable. I'd get moved each week. In fact I move my desk three times per period.
                          
Teachers never liked me either. Each parents meeting my mother and I would have to listen to some of them lie. I even started doubting myself. "Do I really do that" I'd ask, but when ever I think about it I could promise you I never did.
                          
My family loved me at least. Maybe cause they're supposed to, but it still helped me keep going. Though the bigger family never noticed me much. I was seen as my fathers shadow. I hated it, but at least I had an identity. Much better than just being a waste of space. Invisible to many. I'd stand and wave to the group of people I've known or helped, but they never realise me. They'd walk by me without noticing me. Coincidence much, yet it wasn't the first time. I'm always ignored. Treated like I wasn't there. And even if someone were to talk to me; then it'd be because they needed a favour. They never cared about me and they never will.
                          
This explains why I enjoyed reading. I liked the new feelings, the new experiences, and the new scenarios the story content held. When I hold the book and read the words, the lines, the paragraphs; I forget the pain. Though it was also a mistake.
                          
The pain was better, because it reminded me of who I am. When I read books I begin to forget pain and at one point forget who I am. I begin to become the character instead. I start to be more like them rather than being me. Call me pathetic, but to me it was much better than just being some plain human hated by all. Sometimes I would even adopt the character's personality. Use the jokes they said. The phrases they used. The words they said.
                          
Then one day I totally lost it. I recall staying awake one night trying to cry myself to sleep, but all attempts were in vain. That day was the climax or so I believed. I felt they went too far when I was ganged up on. Kicked for saying sorry. Had the air knocked out of me for asking them to stop screaming in my ear. Then punched for preaching religion.
                          
I stayed awake that night sobbing. I forgot if my voice was too loud, but it's not like anyone could hear me back then. No one noticed my pain and no one realised my wounds. I wasn't even sure if I was talking at all. My mouth might've mouthed the words, but being ignored for so long has lead me to lose my voice; for all my efforts to speak to others were in vain.
                          
As I laid in bed wondering what I did wrong, something dawned upon me. Everything sank in and I came to a conclusion. A bitter conclusion, but I didn't come up with it on a whim. I deduced it from my surrounding. I thought if I stopped trying to interact with others. If stayed quite and backed away from them. If I withdrew from society, then maybe I'll be treated better. Maybe I'll get a second chance. Maybe this burning pain inside will subdue and I'll find peace once more.
                          
So for the last months in middle school, I extracted myself from the scenes. From the backgrounds. From the environment. I stayed in the corners and side lines, watching it all. Watching how they all cheered and squealed, how they pranced and played, how they enjoyed their lives while I stayed out of their life. They were happy and so was I.
                          
I mean I wasn't sure if the sensation I felt was joy, but I did know that it felt better than being hurt and abused. I didn't have to feel ignored and rejected. Cause I knew within that this was my choice. I wanted to keep my distance, because it was better for all of us. Though I wonder sometimes if that was the right decision. 
                          
Middle school left while summer came and things began to change. It seemed as if everything I thought of as a problem suddenly vanished. Like it just evaporated in the air due to the warm bright rays of the sun. Though I didn't feel those rays. I didn't feel that joy they normally broadcasted on television.
                          
I felt like an empty attic someone forgot about. An old attic that was vacant of anything worth value. Just some old memories that will seem like a wish or a dream. Something close to a fantasy, but it doesn't bring you joy. Just pain. And pain soon became a companion. Not a good companion though.
                          
It stayed up 24/7 just to watch me live my dull and bitter life. It wasn't alone though. After a week passed since my middle school graduation, I was given a visit by an old and familiar acquaintance. Loneliness.  
                          
My life never felt duller. It was too bland to imagine. The same routines over and over again. Eat. Read. Sleep. And to others, it may seem like a wanted desire; but believe me it isn't. I got sick of it fast and that only increased my pain. Especially after I finished reading each book I owned at least twice.
                          
That was it. My distractions were gone and I couldn't restock on some. Despite my family having a decent amount of cash, I couldn't buy another book. My parents said I was spending too much money on them and that they were distracting me from life. Little did they know that was the goal behind it.
                          
My mother who was misguided, but had well meaning intentions; began to grow worried and tried to get me friends from the community around me. Though I wasn't convinced with her idea, I went along and devoted all my efforts in cooperating. Yet friends can't be forced. They're handed by destiny. And destiny didn't seem generous enough to give me any. Or that's what I thought.
                          
My burning desire to read drove me back to a site I joined, but abandoned not long before. I recall creating an account for wattpad, because I believed it was some sort of online e-reader. When I joined at first, I searched for the book Divergent. Not receiving any form of benefit, I deleted the app and forgot about it, but during the summer I came back. 
                          
Upon logging in, I decided to search for stories under genres I preferred like adventure and fiction. Wattpad immediately gained my affection as I read various books with no limits. The stories were not ultimately professional books, but they were beyond satisfactory. With a wide variety and a huge selection of books, I began to ignore the pain once more. Then I found the cure to it.
                          
While surfing Wattpad, I stumbled upon some fan fictions which then lead me to more fan fictions of different fandoms. Some were of books I knew. Others were of games I knew. There was also a few based on television shows. This discovery is what helped me find the communities on wattpad and never have I expected them to be so similar.
                          
It was all unimaginable. Some sort of miracle. It felt like..........well.... Everything! The kind and extraordinary people. The fun conversations. The hilarious interactions. The joy enhanced moments!
                          
It was probably the most fun I'd have in a while and though I'd love to go further with the details, I'll just summarise it in a sentence and say "That it was the best experience that created more happy memories than all my life events combined!"
                          
After a long time skip of immense satisfaction and pleasure in which I developed my own unique personality. I joined up with the best people in the world who were soon my family. My loves ones. My friends. My life.
                          
Every second with them was a minute in paradise and every hour without them was a year without rain. I depended on them and they depended on me. A bond so strong, real families struggle to attain. But if only we knew that things were about to change. The pain I've felt so long ago decided it wasn't done with me. It has taken the choice to come back and suck the joy out of me once more and leave me dazed in pain with no one, but my shadow for company.