Chapter 31- Packing and Happiness

                                    

                                          
---Meghan's Pov---
                          
Today is the day I packed to leave for tour in the morning, and I still hadn't talked Jason again. I didn't plan on it. I sighed getting out of my bed and walking across the hall to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and headed down the stairs to find my backpack. That way I could get my hands on a piece of gum. I chewed gum pretty much non stop. I was addicted to it, it kept my mouth moving and it stopped the gnawing in my stomach. I started chomping on a piece of green happiness. 
                          
"MEGGY!" I heard a shout and I turned to see 4 tall boys siting on my kitchen stools. I shrugged walking over to them.
                          
"Can I help you?" I asked rubbings the sleep from my eyes.
                          
"No it's just noon and we were betting on when you'd wake up. And because you couldn't sleep for another hour I owe Calum $20." Michael rushed and I took a seat on counter top facing the boys. 
                          
"Meghan wanna go get breakfast with me. I've just made $20?" Calum bribed and I shook my head. 
                          
"I have to pack. Maybe, you'll take me to get some food later." I excused myself from the room and walked up the stairs. I searched around for a suitcase to pack everything in. I hadn't even finished unpacking everything I owned to this wouldn't be too hard. Finally, I found the huge black case with my name in metallic sharpie. I lifted it up and set it on my bed before I began throwing clothes in. Couple band shirts couple black jeans. I did have a few dresses and to be safe I added them too. 
                          
"Meggy?" I heard Mikey whisper from the door and I turned to see him standing at my door frame. 
                          
"Yeah?" I reply looking down and at my clothes. 
                          
"Why didn't you go to breakfast with Cal?" He asks walking closer to me and my breath hitched.
                          
"I don't thing you understand how hard it is to eat." I reply adding random things to my bag. I had no idea what I would need on this tour. Like no idea, clothes beauty products but what else. 
                          
"Meg-" Michael starts and I quickly cut him off.
                          
"What should I pack? I have no idea what I need." I ask changing the subject. 
                          
"Clothes, hygiene products? That's what Google said." He replies and I laugh a little.
                          
"Sounds good to me." I smile adding a few more things. I continued piling everything I could think of. And writing a list of things I might need. I continued racing around picking things up and setting them back down deciding if I really needed it or not. 
                          
"Meggy." Michael whispered and I turned back to him.
                          
"Yeah." I reply my volume matching his.
                          
"Do you love Jason?" His volume diminishing as the sentence went on and I could barely hear him.
                          
"Not anymore." I croak the pain evident in my voice. It's not like I wanted to love him but not loving him was difficult. Especially since he didn't love me. 
                          
"Why not?" He asked his volume rising again and I sighed.
                          
"I don't know if I exactly understood love when I said I loved him. Also he's been cheating on someone who is and I quote 'so gorgeous and thin.'" I shrugged and Michael nodded along.
                          
"Than why are you with him. Hanging out, going on dates. What's the point?" He sounded frustrated and I shook my head.
                          
"Because he's all I have left from who I was before I came here. He knows about every imperfection, every breakdown, all of it. He was there when I was hospitalized once a month. When I told him to let me wither away because I had nothing left to live for. I had Alice, Jason, and my Dad and they we all I had. Now my Dad is dead, Alice is across the world finishing school and here I am, with only Jason left. I don't like change and this is all changing too much. And being with you and Luke and the rest of the boys is awesome I love it and I'm a lot happier, but Jason is all I have left. That's all I can hold onto right now. And he didn't hold onto me he left me to fend for myself when he knew I needed someone." I rant not daring to look Michael in the eyes because I don't want to know what he's thinking.
                          
"Why didn't you choose me?" He asks and I jump away in shock realizing how close we were to the other. 
                          
"What?!?" I said my thoughts jumping left and right trying to come up with a solution to understand what he said. 
                          
"Why not me, Jason will always be above me. No matter what I do you will never love me. And I know that it's not physical attraction here. Meggy I care about you too much. I want you to never stop smiling and to laugh all the time because you deserve that. But you don't and I blame myself and I do all I can to make you happy and you still choose him over me. Even after all this and he doesn't love you he's still better than I am."  Michael finished looking me in the eyes and staying there and for a moment I thought back to when we kissed for the first time. I shook my head and pulled away.
                          
"I'm not choosing him or you. I'm choosing me. My feelings, my emotional damage. This isn't a choice I make, this is a choice as cheesy as it is. This is a choice my heart makes. One that I have no control over. I'm not choosing either of you because right now I need to be me. I don't want a relationship. I just want to be alone just me and myself and oh look I." I finish and Michael walks towards the door.
                          
"I understand. I'm so sorry Meggy." And he closes the door. I let out a shaky breath one I didn't realize I was holding and I finished packing all my stuff. Because this tour was my opportunity to feel better. I was going to be myself and be happy on this tour and nothing would stop me. I didn't care if Michael really felt that way for me. I was still hurting way too badly for anything else. There was no room for anyone else. Michael couldn't be in my romantical zone I wasn't ready. I needed to be content with me first. I couldn't depend on anyone else that's not who I was. I might be an angry anorexic but I was a strong one. 



                          
HELLO! I hope you are all having a wonderful day I love you all so and remember to keep smiling because you deserve to be happy. Loads of Love, Meghan.