I stood in the kitchen at 5 am holding a freshly opened bottle of water and lamenting another sleepless night. My body acted like having a regular sleeping schedule was as offence to it's natural processes and did everything it could to keep me awake until the sun lightened the night sky. I sighed and drank a large amount of what was left in the bottle before I heard some footsteps heading towards me.
"Morning," Esther yawned. I had never noticed how much she resembled Avi when she pulled her hair off her face. She started making herself a bowl of cereal, squinting at everything out of an arms reach.
"Where are your glasses?" I asked as she grabbed the large box of Lucky Charms from on top of the fridge.
"Somewhere. I was too hungry to look for them." She started pouring the cereal and glared at me. "Don't judge me."
"I'm not," I giggled.
We stood in silence for a little while and let the atmosphere settle between us. Wyatt shuffled past us, bumping into one of my legs along the way, and made himself comfortable on the couch. I watched his stalk around before he finally laid down and went back to sleep.
"I know it's been a long time... " Esther said pointing her spoon towards me, finally awake enough to hold a constant conversation. "...But, what are you doing up this early?"
I sighed and played with the top of my water bottle in my hand. "I couldn't sleep," I sighed. She had this worried look on her face that I hadn't seen in years, mostly because I hadn't seen her in a year. Esther finished her cereal, drank the slightly flavored milk and quickly cleaned the bowl in the sink.
"Want to sit with me for a while?" She said holding her hand out to me.
"Sure."
While we sat in the guest room, Esther told me countless stories she hadn't wrote in her letters. I'd forgotten how animated she was when she talked. Her hands told the story more than she did, but it just made it more entertaining. She talked about a long stretch of time she'd spent in Liechtenstein and Sweden and the few months she'd spent traveling to different African countries. She ranted about how long it had been since she slept somewhere with air conditioning and about how wrong those "Arms of an Angel" African Children ads are.
"Then I decided to follow our old Europe tour route. I met up with some Pentaholics, who were more emotional to meet me than I'd been my entire trip." She smiled and looked up at me. "Everyone's worried about you."
I took a deep breath and looked down at my painted toe nails. I'd tried to forget about how many people were actually worried about me. Thinking about that many eyes turned in my direction made my skin crawl in a way it never had.
"Are you going to start signing again?" Esther hesitated as she spoke.
"I can't." I said bluntly. The thought of singing had crossed my mind so many times I thought I was an idiot for not at least trying it, but every time I tried to sing I'd wait for Scott's harmony and realize how alone I was. I hadn't sung a song by myself in 5 years. "It's not the same."
"Nothing is the same, but we've gotta start moving on Mitchie." Esther softly put her hand over mine and rubbed the back of my hand before I pulled it away and hugged my legs.
"It's not that simple." I could feel an unwanted and unwarranted anger building in the center of my chest.
"Mitch-" She started.
"Why does everyone want me to sing alone?" I interrupted as tears started to roll down my face. "I hate singing alone! I don't know how to arrange for just me! I don't even know if I can-" I covered my own mouth before my voice could crack from crying. Esther threw her arms around me and lightly rubbed my back and I sobbed into her shoulder. Though I didn't want to admit it, I knew Esther was right, but I had no idea where I was supposed to begin to move on. I didn't know how to live without Scott and Kirstie being a phone call away.
I cried until my eyes started to get heavy and I pried myself out of Esther's arms to go to my own room. I paced around the large empty space for a while before finally climbing into my bed and huffing angrily. Esther was right. I needed to move on, but I needed help. I grabbed my phone off my table.
Mitch: "Moya. Can I make an appointment?"
