Fourth Entry: Broken

                                    

                                          
Okay, weekend which means you need to know what's happening from Kay's POV. I hope you like this entry. BTW, I cam eup with a new story and I'll be giving more information on my tumblr: http://belwatson.tumblr.com
                          
Dedication to my favoruite comment on the previous entry: @xxKatAprilxx. I also hope they are what I picture them. Thanks for that comment!
                          
Bel, xx
                          
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Fourth Entry: Broken
                          

                          
    
                          
Soldier Kay reporting Sir!
                          
And that one sucks, too. Man, what am I doing? I can’t think of anything good in a week, what’s wrong with my creativity? I should just give up and become a unicorn. A pink unicorn. That sounds like a good plan.
                          
And I should quit tumblr. I’m spending too many hours at night on that site. I blame Alex! She introduced me to that godforsaken place of procrastination!
                          
Anyways, if I’m writing it is not to tell how obsessed I am with this website –lifestyle–, but to report my progress with Louis. And the news is not good. This bloke is really broken inside. I thought that he was angry and that he was honest with that, but now I realise he is just covering up what he feels inside and that’s a deep, heart-breaking pain. Although it happened months ago, he still can’t let go. I don’t think he misses her, but he is broken for what happened and how it ended.
                          
All his anger and bitterness is nothing but a shield from his own feelings. He uses that to stay on his feet, to look strong in a way but I can see through it. I can see in his eyes that he is jealous of the happiness of his friends, of the sappy stories they live now because they have people that would die before hurting them. I see how he hates to be the broken one and he is not handling that well.
                          
The other day –I wasn’t there so I couldn’t see what really happened– he attacked his friends. Niall, Zayn and Harry had to suffer because Louis couldn’t be the only one miserable. He made them doubt their own relationships and what they had. He made them think that as it happened to him, the lads were doomed to live the same when that’s nothing but bullshit.
                          
Sometimes I worry whether he is stupid or just too hurt to see the light.
                          
Not because he went through something awful that means that we will always have to go through the same. Not because I got my heart broken once I will think that everyone has to live the same thing, that everyone will have my same luck, right? We’re all so different, we’re unique human beings and we all have different life experiences. Why can’t he see that? Why does he accuse us all to be the same? He has known Alex for two years already, he sees her with Niall all the time yet he still treats her like she has cooties or something like that!
                          
In my case it’s okay, he doesn’t know me but he doesn’t even give me the benefit of doubt. I haven’t had the chance to show him that I’m nothing like Eleanor. I don’t plan on breaking his heart, I only want to help him, help him to remember that love is not all about forever. Not because it ends it means it wasn’t worth it. Love can be fun even if it’s ephemeral. But I can’t even try to be his friend with benefits! He just assumes I’m the worst when he doesn’t even want to get to know me. He doesn’t even know what I’ve been through in life.
                          
He really hurt his friend. I saw when Niall came to Alex and hugged the life out of her. He couldn’t let her go and asked her to promise him that she was never going to do what Eleanor did. That if she were to find someone better than him, she wasn’t going to tell him. It was heart-breaking how afraid he looked and I just realised in that moment how much he loves her. Alex was beyond pissed when Niall told her why he was saying those things. I swear she almost turned into Hulk right in front of our eyes. There was no way to stop her from going to Louis. And believe me, I tried to stop her. And when she faced him I saw Louis’ shields fall down when Alex mentioned Eleanor. The hurt in his blue eyes made me ache myself. I really wanted to hold him and try to make things better, to heal his wounds.
                          
When I saw him like that that day I just grew in confidence that I can’t give up. I can’t see him like that again, I need to fix him up. Seeing him like that, even for a few minutes, broke my own heart. He needs help and even if he makes things difficult. I’m determined to help him, to get rid of the bitter Louis and bring back the real one. I’m sure he will never be the same that the lads remember, but at least he won’t be hurt anymore. I can do that. I have to do that.
                          
Plus, I think he is getting used to me little by little. When I helped him from Leanne that was really messing up with him by trying to seduce him, he didn’t push me away. He is getting used to my touch, I know that. I’m sure that soon he won’t even try to step back. He may not like me, but he will stop fighting me and like that I’ll try to show him we’re not the same. With small things I need to show him that I’m not Eleanor, Alex is not Eleanor, any other women is not Eleanor. He needs to stop generalising because he is too afraid of loving again. I know that’s all. He is taking the easy way out here but that way won’t take him where he has to go. The path will only lead him to a worse state, a lonely state. I know his friends love him, but if he keeps hurting them like he does, they will give up on him eventually. No one can cope with being hurt forever, no one can receive stabs and stabs without trying to retreat. No soldier is invincible and I’m sure I’ll reach my limit too one day, I just hope I can help him before that happens.
                          
Well, now I have to keep revising the material we got today and see what we can use for the documentary. I’m getting great stuff and now that they are rehearsing with Prodigy –the coolest band on Earth!– I’m sure the documentary will be the best around. It will have everything that the fans want to see and it will have the real boys. I’m so sure the fans see what they want to see in the lads, but I’m determined to show there’s more. So much more.
                          
Kay x