breathing

                                    

                                          
tw mild attempted s*icidal actions/
-
                          
At first I was stunned.
                          
The air in my lungs was knocked out of me, a fist of shock shattering against my torso violently until I wasn't completely sure I was breathing at all. I was empty, suddenly, everything hollowing until the point where I could feel only my own heartbeat pounding in my ears as my vision clouded around the edges, my focus only on Phil's figure, which seemed to be miles away.
                          
He was leaning forwards now, more than halfway off the wooden railing beneath him, towards the violent waters of the river even worse now because of the rising severity of the storm. He hadn't noticed that I was here; he didn't know. I wouldn't shout but even if I did he wouldn't hear me anyway, not with the sound of the wind and the water. 
                          
I couldn't see his eyes, not at this angle, but I knew they were swimming with gentle oceans of despair and a slight calmness. It was the calm before the storm, the still of his movements before he unleashed the tidal wave hidden beneath and everything was destined to become purely a wasteland. 
                          
He was staring down at the rocks like they were mesmerizing him, causing his feet to inch forward every few seconds, as if he weren't in control of his own body. But I knew he was.
                          
It finally cleared then, the haze around my senses, and the initial shock I'd felt faded away. It came rushing back at me; the sound of the water and the current of the wind and the feeling of my jumper sticking to my skin and the fact that Phil Lester was standing on the edge of a railing, preparing to jump off.
                          
I don't know what took over me then, but I could feel the sudden rush of adrenaline fill my veins and I sprang up from where I'd nearly fallen to the grass, dropping my bag onto the wet ground and instead running as fast as I could towards the bridge. I had no idea how long he was going to stand there, but I didn't feel like risking it to find out. Three years ago I told myself I was going to protect this boy. Even if it resulted in having to protect him from himself.
                          
I counted the space between us as I got closer, five meters, four, three, two, and one until I was flinging myself at Phil's side, securely wrapping both my arms around his torso and pulling him away from the edge of the railing. I pulled him alongside me until we were back on the grass, and he wasn't exactly helping me stay up, so I sat down on the wet grass with my arms still around him, his own limp against his sides as he collapsed onto the grass beside me. 
                          
After a second I moved my head so that I could look at him, and he was looking at me with eyes cloudier than the evening sky. All of the enchanting colors originally there had faded to gray. They were lifeless. A giant dread-filled cloud of hopelessness seemed to overtake me then, because if Phil Lester wasn't happy then how on earth was it possible for anyone else to be happy? 
                          
I wanted to say something to him, but I knew if I did I would only end up repeating his name. I couldn't bring myself to allow my vocal cords to cooperate, so instead I looked at him, anxiously awaiting any words from his mouth. 
                          
Finally, he spoke, in a raspy voice I could barely hear over the rain pounding against us and everything around us. But I heard him all the same, including the lost tone of his voice. 
                          
"Dan?" Phil whispered, and I nodded vigorously. "I'm so sorry, Dan," My lips parted and I pulled him closer to me for a strong hug, allowing him to curl against my chest as tears fell from his eyes onto my shirt, mixing with the rain already there. 
                          
It's not your fault, I wanted to tell him, It's okay. I'm here, just breathe, keep breathing because I would gladly give up all of my breaths if it meant that you could have at least one more.