Chapter 34

                                    

                                          
I don't think happiness is necessarily an imitation of feelings now that I've come face to face with it. Happiness is a true feeling; it's just not something that we can choose to be. 
                          
Every feeling is something we can't choose. Our body and mind tends to feel without our acceptance. I don't think anyone really craves to be depressed or anxious, we just have these feelings. 
                          
Happiness has been envied for decades because it's something everyone wants to be. I can understand that now because I know what it's like to be truly happy and I wouldn't want to be anything but. 
                          
I can't control feeling sad and it's something we need to feel rounded, but I also can't control to not want to be sad. 
                          
Again, life becomes grey. 
                          
Sadness is something that is demanded to be felt, so is happiness or scared or anxious. All feelings demand to be felt, that's why we have them. 
                          
It's another one of those balance things. 
                          
Life is a continuous balance. 
                          
It's not possible to be happy all the time. As hard as it is to admit, we need to be sad sometimes. We need to remind ourselves that life isn't perfect and if we are happy 24/7 it tricks our mind that everything becomes "perfect"
                          
Now, perfect isn't the same for everyone. Things are more accepted in others eyes compared to mine. 
                          
Perfection is a balance. Your own perfection is a balance. 
                          
Happiness is contagious because everyone wants to have it. Everyone deserves to feel happy at some point, no matter what that happiness is. I still don't think that you can become happy through someone else's happiness. 
                          
I mean, you can feel happy, you can smile and you can laugh, but it's not the true happiness. 
                          
It's when you're doing something that makes you truly happy is when you can find your true happiness.
                          
And it's not like there is only one specific thing that makes someone happy, there could be a million things that makes a person genuinely happy. 
                          
Again, it's grey
                          
But it's something. It's something more that I can understand from being with Harry and Niall. 
                          
My happiness starts with enjoying the people I surround myself with. I get this feeling in my stomach, not butterflies and not a sour feeling, but I get this tossing feeling and I get so happy I feel like crying. I bite my lip and take a deep breath and there is nothing I can do that keeps me from holding my smile in. 
                          
Every time I see Harry my stomach feels that way and I just want to squeeze him as tight as I possibly can. That feeling makes me happy. 
                          
I believe that happiness can come from association, but not influenced by association. 
                          
Happiness is yours and yours only. 
                          
April 4th, 2012 
                          
Harry carried me over to the couch and we sat together in the eerie silence of the night. The sound of raindrops taps on my windows, allowing thunder to rumble under the clatter. He's wrapped us in a blanket, keeping me on his lap. My head is sitting in the crook of his neck, keeping me warm and safe. 
                          
I can feel his heartbeat through his cotton shirt, letting the rhythm calm my mind. I notice my heartbeat is heavier than his, beating faster than my head can comprehend. 
                          
He still hasn't said much, just has sat there with me, playing with my hair. And after enough time has passed, he reached for the remote. Grease is on and he keeps it, leaving the volume low.