Chapter 63.

                                    

                                          
Last day in Barbados.
                          
I don't know what a normal person would do at this point. My problem is though that I can't escape this. I can't just turn away and ignore Louis' guts and move on. That's not how it works with me. Louis is the first guy I have ever grown this kind of attachment to. He is the first guy I've ever truly loved. I crave his touch and I want to be in his presence all the time. I never get enough of him and that scares me. I don't want to drive him away. It feels like what I've managed to do now. I get too attached and people get scared and leave me.
                          
It's so hard because I have never been this confused about anything before. Nothing about him makes sense. The choices he makes are absurd. His past is such a mystery. His looks is unheard of and his love is out of this world. But my biggest problem is the fact that I can hate and love him both at the same time.
                          
Like right now. I hate him so much. I hate the fact that he thinks it's okay to play with my emotions. I hate that the only love he wants from me is physical and behind closed doors. I hate the fact that he seems ashamed to be with me. I hate him for treating me like he doesn't know who I really am. BUT at the same time I love him. I love him I love him I love him. I love his laugh. I love the way he looks at me sometimes. I love every inch of his beautiful skin. And I love the fact that even though he brings me down, he knows exactly how to pick me back up again.
                          


                          


                          
"Isn't this Louis' shirt?" Niall asks from the other side of the bedroom. I look up from the phone in my hands and glance at him. He's packing his things back and now he's just standing in front of his suitcase, holding up Louis' shirt from the other night. I would ask how he knew that it was his but we all know that Queen Surf t-shirt is his favorite. I swallow my pride and put my phone away.
                          
"Yeah I accidentally packed it with me..." I lie. He looks at me confused. I can tell that he didn't buy my lame excuse, but I take my chance to change the subject completely. "By the way, what is Liam taking medication for? I found some pills in their hotel-room the other day"
                          
Niall freezes completely at my suspicious tone. He gulps and drops Louis' shirt to the floor. "It's for his allergies" He says in a high pitched squeaky voice. Okay this is obviously some weird subject for him, I better just leave it alone for now. I feel the bed vibrate, just to see Anthony's name pop up on my phone screen.
                          
*Hi! How was your trip? Just wanted to check if maybe you'd like to hang out when you get back? Take care.*
                          
Hm. Well, maybe I will. At least Anthony seems like a genuine guy. In difference to Louis, he doesn't play with my emotions and confuse me all the fucking time. Louis never knows what he wants. Maybe Anthony does? Cause I deserve to be loved properly. Don't I? I deserve to have a real boyfriend that lasts and doesn't lie. I need more normal people in my life, and even though I can admit that Anthony isn't as spontaneous or funny as Louis, I enjoy hanging out with him. Cause it's simple. I don't need to worry about anything with him. Everything is just out in the open, and that's actually really nice. I mean, I love hanging out with Louis and the boys but it always feels like they're keeping secrets from me, and I don't like that.
                          
*Hi! It was pretty good actually! Yeah, definitely. I'm in if you are.*
                          


                          


                          


                          
The plane ride feels eternal. Are we ever landing? Even though I'm trying to distract myself in every way possible, all I can seem to think about is Louis. Louis Louis Louis. I try to read a book but at the end of each page I realize I wasn't paying any attention and have to read it all over again. I try to fall asleep but I can't find a comfortable position. I try to listen to some music but every song reminds me of him. I find ways to think about him in every single thing I see or do. It is the least to say frustrating.
                          
He's sitting all the way over there. Niall called shotgun and got the window seat next to me. So here I'm sitting, with the aisle on my left and Louis, Liam and Zayn on the other side of it. Zayn has a blindfold on, sleeping. Liam has his big headphones on and listens to music that I can hear all the way to my side. And Louis? Precious Louis is sleeping with his arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed. Good thing everyone's almost asleep. Makes it easier for me to stare at him without feeling like a creep. Suddenly I'm awoken from my trance by Niall tapping my shoulder. I turn to the right just to have his face a bare millimeter from me. This dude knows nothing about personal space.
                          
"I think you should give Anthony a chance." He says out of nowhere. "Louis is... Complicated." He whispers. What a great word to describe him. Complicated. Couldn't have said it better myself. Although I wonder what made Niall say that out of the blue
                          
"Yeah... I guess so..."

                          
I mumble as I glance over to Louis' side once more. He's still asleep and I just want things to go back to the way they once were. When I was even more naive than I am now. When I could look at him and know that he was my boyfriend. When I could wake up in the morning and just feel so lucky to be loved by someone as astounding as him. But that lasted for such a short time, and I will probably never get a chance like that again. It's obvious that he doesn't want a relationship with me, for a reason unexplained. So the question is... What do I do?