53. Long Night

                                    

                                          
"At least she had him to make her laugh and smile again as much as it killed me inside to admit."
                          


                          
Justin's POV
                          
Walking dejectedly out of our room in the hotel, I sigh deeply, settling myself on the couch, my head in my hands.
                          
"What have I done?" I mumble to myself, tears threatening to fall. She didn't want me right now. She wasn't going to forgive me that easily this time. But then again what did I do to deserve her forgiveness at all? Nothing. I really was an asshole. I was the worst mate in the history of mates; a monster. Being a mate meant that we were supposed to protect, cherish, love and provide for our mate's every need. We were supposed to be anything and everything they ever dreamed of wanting. But instead what have I done? I hurt her, over and over and had made her afraid of me. I really truly was a monster, my worst nightmare come true; there was no denying that now. I had only been lying to myself; lying to myself that this time would be any different than the last. Hadn't I learned by now? Apparently not.
                          
"Stop Ryan! You're such a butt!" I hear Kiera say playfully before dissolving into a fit of giggles, making a pain shoot through my chest again. She was my mate. Mine. I should be the one in there making her laugh and smile, receiving her attention.
                          
"What!? I'm not doing anything." Ryan replies, chuckling lightly.
                          
"Oh yeah sure Ryan!" Kiera laughs again.
                          
"You know you love me." Ryan replies, a smirk in his voice.
                          
"Yeah, keep telling yourself that." Kiera teases, laughing lightly again, no doubt her eyes sparkling with playfulness and mischief.
                          
"Hurtful Kiera. I'm totally your favorite."
                          
"Nah. Chazzy is." I hear Kiera say, a grin in her voice.
                          
"Fuck this." I finally mutter to myself, my fists clenching tightly in anger. Kiera was my fucking mate; mad at me or not I didn't share what was mine. Ryan was getting way to friendly and comfortable with her. And that wasn't going to fly with me.
                          
Storming to the door, I'm just about to barge in and whip Ryan's ass when I hear Kiera speak up again stopping me in my tracks.
                          
"What- what did I do wrong? Am- am I really an ungrate- ungrateful c- cunt?" She mumbles, her voice choking up.
                          
"Nothing Kiera. You did nothing wrong. Justin was out of line. And you aren't one. Don't ever  think that." Ryan responds.
                          
"The- then why? Why would he say that? I- I thought he- he loved me." She asks, her voice finally breaking as I hear her start to cry.
                          
"No- no baby. Don't- please don't do that to yourself. You are perfect to me. Baby, I- I do. I love you. I love you so much. I- I'm so sorry." I whisper, dropping my hand from the door knob, the anger in me suddenly disappearing. I really fucked up this time. Would she ever be able to trust me again? Would she ever forgive me for what I've done and said? Could I ever forgive myself?
                          
"He does love you Kiera. I know what he said hurt, but he didn't mean it. I know it's not much of an excuse, but it's true. He loves you more than anything. And I know you think he's suffocating you but he means well, all he wants to do is protect you because he's scared he's going to lose you. You are his world. Nothing  will change that. Not now or in eternity." Ryan sooths.
                          
"Yes. You- you are Kiera. You are my world. Nothing- nothing will ever change that. I- I'm so sorry for everything. I know-  I know I fucked up bad. I- I love you more than anything else. You're all that matters to me." I whimper lightly, dropping to the floor in pain. I could feel every emotion from her. The hurt, the pain, the fear, and worst of all I could feel how insecure and worthless she felt, and there was no one else to blame except myself. I made her feel like that. I made her feel like she was nothing to me, like she was worthless. It was all my fault.
                          
It didn't even matter anymore if it was Ryan made her laugh. She deserved to be happy, she deserved everything, she deserved the world. And currently, I was a big fuck up. I had been so selfish, so self absorbed in my needs and wants that I had been neglecting her. I had depended on her so much for my own needs that I had forgotten to make her happy or to listen to her and to make sure her needs were met.  She had done nothing but been there for me, through everything, all my tantrums, my fits, my nightmares, my irrationality. She was the constant light and good in my life. She kept me sane and in control, she found me and put me back together when I couldn't find the strength to do it myself. Giving and giving but never asking for anything in return. At least she had him to make her laugh and smile again as much as it killed me inside to admit. Ryan had been right all along. She didn't need my shit. She was too loving and gentle to deserve the kind of treatment I had given her.
                          
"I- I'm so sorry Kiera. I- I know I've been awful. I'm a monster I know. I- I don't deserve your love or your forgiveness. I don't deserve you. But- but I love you so much. I- I can't live without you; I'm so lost. Please- please if you can find it in yourself to forgive me. I- I promise. I promise I'll never do anything like this again. I- I'll never ask for anything else. I- I promise I'll love you and take care of you like you deserve. I- I'll give you everything and anything you've ever dreamed of and more. I'll do anything for you. I'll give you my life. An- and I'll spend eternity trying to earn your trust and love back. I promise. I- I'll be better. Ican change. I can be different for you. I- I'm just so sorry." I mumble out brokenly, finally breaking down in sobs, leaning my head against the door frame.
                          
Hearing her sobs die down again, shuffling is heard in the room and a light clicks off.
                          
"Please stay." She whimpers lightly. "I- I can't sleep without him here. Don't leave me alone."
                          
"Shhh, of course not baby. It's okay. Chaz and I are right here. You're okay. You're safe. Just go to sleep." Ryan coos softly to her.
                          
"Okay." She says softly, her tossing and turning finally quieting down, no doubt clutching the stuffed giraffe I had gotten her in the hospital to her chest as she did every night.
                          
"Good night Justin. I'm sorry. I love you." I hear her mumble lightly before her breathing evens out, indicating she was asleep again.
                          
"Good night baby. I'm so sorry. More sorry than words could ever say. It's not your fault. It will never be your fault. I love you too. Forever, always and eternity." I whisper back, choking out more tears.
                          
It was going to be a long night.