Chapter 40

                                    

                                          
~Maya~

I can feel something is wrong. I can feel it in the way Ilya has been acting since the car ride home two days ago. Actually, since he stepped out of the airport doors, I can see him wanting to tell me something but he's holding back. To say I am scared is an understatement, I would like to believe I am at a better place than before, but that would be lie. The reason I am functioning is because of Ilya and the realization hit me like a freight train when his flight was rescheduled and he forgot to inform me about it.  
That day I thought something bad happened to him, I thought I lost him and a pain unlike anything I have experienced gripped me from the inside out and it felt like someone was pulling my soul out of me. I was scared to live if something happened to Ilya, I was scared to live a life where Ilya wasn't in it. I wanted to jump from my bedroom balcony and if it wasn't for my family keeping me company through my mental breakdown I might've jumped. The thought terrified me, I am terrified of my dependency on Ilya which is borderline toxic.  
I don't want to lose him because he thinks I am too clingy, but he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I can't lose him not when I have spent my entire life in secrecy, trauma, hurt and pain.  
Ilya steps closer to me, his hand reaching out for mine and I let him intertwine his fingers with mine. The golden sun beams at him, illuminating his naked body, his face and those golden hair that look so fluffy I want to fist them but if I do, his monstrous dick is going to take it as a signal to wreck me again and he is hot to be refused. So, instead of acting on my thoughts, I lean closer to kiss him on the lips. But he doesn't kiss me back, just lays there. I can see the hesitation in his eyes and my heart pummels to my stomach, a bad ache spreading through my chest and the fear of abandonment by my favorite person in the whole world sends me on a verge of panic attack.  
I hate myself for never asking for his feelings of how he feels about being with me, he says he loves me but am I sure it's not out of pity? Is he sure he wants to be with a mess like me for the rest of his life? Will he leave me the moment my mental health stabilizes? And if he does am I sure I will not relapse? Will I be able to live without thinking of death when he isn't next to me? But instead of cowering behind my fears, I forge head on. Because if I have learned anything in these nineteen years of my life, it is fear cripples you and I am done being weak.  
My free hand cups Ilya's face as I pull back peering into those artic eyes of him, I ask him, "What is it?"  
Ilya doesn't look surprise by my question, it's like he was waiting for me to ask him but he doesn't tell me what's on his mind either and the fear that was knotting my stomach intensifies. I can already imagine him saying, I am sorry Maya, but this isn't working. Your mental health is too fragile for me to handle. You need help because I can't handle your constant meltdowns, it's fucking exhausting.  
But instead of saying what I think, a lone tear slips down his cheeks and my heart shatters for him. Before I can say anything, Ilya pulls me closer in a crushing hug that restrains my breathing but somehow my soul breaths too easily. "Please never leave me, no matter what life throws at us, please never leave my side. I always need you by my side, Maya."  
Tears slip down my eyes and I hug him tighter, "I would never leave you, Ilya. I love you so much." I feel his choked breath on my neck where he hides his face and my tears wets his chest. 
"I need to tell you something." Ilya says breaking the silence, his grip on my waist tightens when I don't say anything letting him continue. But instead of saying what's on his mind he goes quiet. My anxiety ridden thoughts start to swirl around my chaotic state of mind but instead of letting another panic attach wash over me I push Ilya away and cup his face, peering into his blue eyes, the warmest artic looking so vulnerable that I can't help but feel my heart break for him.  
"Say it, Ilya." I urge, stroking his cheeks and nuzzling his nose with mine.  
"I don't know how," Ilya admits, his voice cracking and I see the pain and fear in his eyes. I can tell whatever he has to tell me will break my world apart, destroy it but it won't be enough to drive me away from him.  
I sit up straight, pulling Ilya to sit straight as well. I sit on his lap facing him I hold him close to me letting him touch me and wait for him to build up the courage to speak about what he is afraid of which might pull as away from each other.  
"My father...." A tear slips down Ilya's face and before the other one follows; I quickly lick it away. The deja vu hits me about the time when I had a panic attack and Ilya licked my tears, this time the tables have turned and it's me who is comforting me. Ilya lifts his head up, his eyes meeting mine he takes in a huge breath before continuing, "My father is a bad guy."  
I nod at Ilya, letting him continue, "He is the future Sovietnik of the Chicago BRATVA and I am his successor." The piece of information takes me aback followed by the feeling of betrayal because in all these months of dating Ilya never shared this with me. I thought he was genuinely from a middle-class family with a sad past and he got lucky that he got into the King U. The fact he is part of the serpents and became part of us to spy on the heathens doesn't really bothers me because to be honest I kind of had a feeling from the start that he was no simple guy. It's the fact he didn't share this earlier with me, but a low chuckle escapes me at the thought that he thinks I will leave him for hiding something so silly like this.  
But my little ignorant moments dies when Ilya speaks again and pulls the ground from beneath my feet. "My father is the person who ruined your childhood Maya, he is the person who got the Pratt couple and the kidnappers to ruin you and your family." Every word out of Ilya's mouth knocks me back till I am three feet away from him sitting at the edge of the bed with my legs tucked in close to me.  
Is this some kind of sick joke the universe has decided to play it on me? My entire life I promised myself to take revenge for myself and ruin the man responsible for the mess my life turned out to be. But here I am crying and in love with the son of the enemy. I am so tragically in love with him. Ilya reaches out for me but I scoot back shaking my head at him a choked sob leaves him with tears uncontrollable. My heart is broken and splintered into pieces and he isn't the one responsible for it so why do I feel angry towards him?  
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Uh-oh sorry?!
I'll publish a new chapter soon, I actually planned on publishing two chapters at once today but the other one isn't ready yet, so I'll have to do it the other day. 
Happy New Year everyone <3.