Boy

                                    

                                          
I am a boy, 
I am still young, 
There are still many, many things for me to see. 
I am a boy,
Even if my family struggles to understand it,
I have many, many others who do. 
I am a boy, 
I am still growing,
I am still becoming the man I will grow up to be. 
But every day gets a little easier,
And I am reminded of myself, 
Of how much I was hurting
Versus how much I'm hurting now. 
Now I can talk about different routes of injection for testosterone with my grandfather, 
Now I can talk with others about how much my voice has changed. 
So why, 
Why do I feel like I'm not moving fast enough,
Far enough?
"When I pass," I say, as if it hasn't already been five and a half months,
"When I get the rest of my piercings," I say, as if they will solve my self esteem issues.
Having things come and go in waves, 
Thinking I kicked habits but then chewing my cheeks and fingers till they bleed,
And wondering when this choking feeling will leave my sorry body,
My wrong body. 
The weight doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I think the main reason I hated it so much was my curves and my lack of strength.
I gain strength every day thanks to T, bit by bit,
And I laugh in the face of those that doubt me sometimes. 
Those that say "do you need help with that?" Or "be careful with that",
It makes me want to laugh some days and cry others. 
People tend to stay away from talking about my gender, but today someone saw it fit to poke fun at me when I used the silly high pitched voice I do when I'm kidding,
Telling me "that's what your natural voice sounds like."
At first I laughed it off, but in hindsight, wow. 
It's true, maybe, that I won't ever be a man in the fullest, truest, most undeniable sense,
But it still hurts to have someone you've known for over a year and a half say something like that to your face as a 'joke'. 
I'm a boy, 
It's all I ever feel I will be, 
Because who knows if anyone I care about will ever see me as a man. 
I'm a boy now,
And will I ever be what I want to be in my future?
How much longer will I wait?
I guess time will tell.