THIRTY NINE | LOOSING MY MIND

                                    

                                          
My hands tightened on the steering wheel as I turned a corner. The drive was silent—no music, no podcasts, just the hum of the engine. My phone buzzed on the passenger seat, and I quickly glanced over, hoping.
It was a notification from Emily. Not Ethan.
I clenched my jaw, glancing back at the road. He hadn’t texted. I’d checked my phone—my inbox—more than a hundred times today. Did I miss his message? Maybe there was a glitch? Nope. Nothing.
Was it that hard? Just one text. One. To the girl you kissed so passionately in the rain. Did it mean nothing to you?
I shook my head. Maybe it didn’t. Maybe it was just a kiss.
My thoughts spiraled out of control, each one adding fuel to the fire of frustration building inside me.
"Jesus!" I shouted, slamming the brakes just in time to avoid hitting a puppy that darted across the street. The tires screeched against the asphalt, my heart pounding in my chest.
I pulled over to the side of the road and just… screamed.
"Fuck!" I yelled, banging my fists against the steering wheel. Emily always said it helped. She was right.
I took a few deep breaths. Then, I started the car again and headed to Dr. Jones’ office.
A few minutes later, I was sitting across from him, sighing and rolling my eyes at most of his questions.
"I was okay a few weeks ago. Now… I can’t sleep at all without it." My voice trembled as I admitted it.
Dr. Jones nodded, his eyes observing me from beneath his glasses. "Did something happen recently? Besides the family visiting?"
I shook my head slowly. "I… I saw him last night. His reflection."
He sat up straighter. "Collins?"
My throat tightened, and I rubbed my eyes like that could somehow erase the memory. "Am I hallucinating? Am I getting worse?"
Dr. Jones’s gaze softened. "It’s too early to conclude that. You’re just triggered."
A sharp breath escaped me, and I pressed my fingers into my temples. "I hate this. I hate my life. Why can’t he just leave? He’s done enough already."
"Maybe… you have to let go first," he said, twirling his pen between his fingers.
I snapped, my voice rising, "You think I like keeping him around? You think I enjoy this?" My voice dropped to a bitter whisper. "Oh wow, yeah, I love thinking about the man who molested me."
"Just breathe, Stephanie," he said calmly.
I clenched my fists, resisting the urge to yell again, but I did as he said, taking a shaky breath.
"What about the thoughts?" he asked. "The voices in your head?"
I shook my head, barely above a whisper. "None… recently." My gaze landed on him as he jotted something down. I felt like I was losing it.
"The medication—"
"I kissed Ethan." The words burst from my mouth, cutting him off. My heart raced as I continued. His face remained neutral. "He kissed me, actually… and I kissed him back. Last night. In the rain. I don’t even know how it happened." I paused, breathless. "And now… he hasn’t texted me. Not since last night. And I feel so stupid. I hate myself." My voice broke, tears prickling at the corners of my eyes. "Am I supposed to be telling you this?" I groaned, burying my face in my hands.
"Stephanie," Dr. Jones said gently, "breathe. It’s okay. You’ve got this."
I pressed my palms to my face, but then the tears started sliding down my cheeks. My chest heaved with uneven breaths. Great. Now I’m crying.
"I hate myself," I whispered, my voice trembling.
Dr. Jones stood and placed a hand on my shoulder, his voice calm. "It’s okay, Stephanie. It’s okay. You’re not alone."
He gave my shoulder a squeeze before pulling up his chair and sitting directly in front of me, closer than usual. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, watching me.
"Stephanie," he said softly, "do you know what’s fascinating about octopuses?"
I blinked, my tears momentarily forgotten as I stared at him. "What?"
"Octopuses," he continued as if this was the most logical thing to say to someone having a breakdown, "have three hearts. Three. Two of them pump blood to the gills, and one pumps blood to the rest of the body. But here’s the kicker—they can decide to stop using one heart entirely when they need to conserve energy."
I sniffled, rubbing my eyes. "Why are we talking about octopuses? Just incase you didn't notice, I'm having a nervous breakdown here. Aren't you supposed to be worried or something? But octopuses?"
"Because," he said, leaning closer, his voice gentle, "sometimes we need to conserve our energy too. Especially when we’re overwhelmed. Maybe you’re trying to run on all three hearts when you only need one right now."
I let out a half-laugh, half-sob. "So you’re saying I’m an octopus?"
He smiled. "Not exactly. But I am saying it’s okay to give yourself a break. You’re carrying a lot—Collins, Ethan, everything. Maybe it’s time to let one of those hearts rest for a bit."
I wiped my face with the sleeve of my sweater. "It’s not that simple."
"I know it’s not," he said, leaning back slightly. "But sometimes, we complicate things more than we need to. So, let’s simplify. Let’s focus on just one thing. Ethan." He paused, watching my reaction. "What’s the worst thing you think could happen because of that kiss?"
I chewed on my lip, considering the question. "He might… regret it. Or maybe he already does. Maybe he kissed me and realized it was a mistake. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t texted."
Dr. Jones nodded. "Okay. And if that’s the case—if he does regret it—what does that mean for you?"
I opened my mouth, then closed it again, unsure of what to say. "I don’t know… It means I’m not enough? That he didn’t really like me in the first place?"
He tilted his head. "Or… it could mean he’s just as confused as you are. Maybe he’s not great at dealing with emotions. Or maybe he’s scared too."
"Scared?" I frowned. "Ethan doesn’t seem like the type to be scared."
"Everyone has something that scares them, Stephanie. Even people who seem calm and collected. Maybe he’s scared of what that kiss means. Just like you are."
I stared at the floor, my tears slowing. "So… what do I do?"
"Do you want my professional advice or my weird advice?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
I sniffled again. "Weird advice, obviously."
He grinned. "Text him. But don’t ask him about the kiss. Ask him something random. Something completely unrelated. Like… ‘Do you think octopuses get bored?’ or ‘Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses?’"
I couldn’t help but laugh through my tears. "That’s ridiculous."
"Exactly," Dr. Jones said, his grin widening. "Because sometimes, people just need a nudge to break the tension. And if he’s thinking about you—and I bet he is—it’ll remind him that he doesn’t have to have all the answers right now. It’s okay to take it slow."
I took a deep breath, the tightness in my chest loosening just a little. "You’re really weird, you know that?"
"Thank you," he said with a bow. "It’s a compliment I take very seriously."
I wiped the last of my tears away and sat up straighter. "Okay. I’ll think about it."
"Good," Dr. Jones said, tapping his notebook with his pen. "Now, go home, eat something delicious, and remind yourself that you’re not an octopus. You don’t have to use all three hearts today."
I stood up, feeling lighter than when I walked in. "Thanks, Dr. Jones."
"Anytime, Stephanie. And remember—breathe. You’ve got this."