Countdown

                                    

                                          
7th of November 2019
The next morning, Lindsey arrived while I was feeding Alexia her breakfast. "Hey, how are you feeling today." I shrugged. "I just feel like I'm going backwards and there wasn't anything that caused it, it just happened." She gave me a comforting hug. "It's ok to go backwards, sometimes you need to go backwards and properly fix something you might have tried to ignore. You might have been so focused on the big things that you forgot to take care of little things going on." 
"Like what." Lindsey always seems to know what's wrong she just doesn't know how to phrase it. "Well what are some things you overlook when you were worrying about people finding out. What do you not know how to deal with so you just try and ignore it." I knew what she was getting at. "Sometimes I don't know how to feel. When everything was happening, I didn't know what I felt all I knew what that it hurt a lot and when people asked if I was ok, I would say I was because I kept convincing myself that I was."
"But why, why do you think you kept pretending you were fine." I took a moment to think. "I guess admitting the truth felt like opening a floodgate I might not be able to close. Pretending gave me control even if it meant carrying the weight alone. When you've been taught to keep your mouth shut and your feelings to yourself your whole life, it's hard to believe that people actually care."
"But you looked so happy, how do you do that." I shrugged. "When people see someone smile, they immediately assume that they are happy so I just smiled a lot and threw in some fake laughter. I guess that was easier for me than people asking me if I'm ok and talking about it, I didn't want people to feel bad for me and treat me like even more of a kid."
We both sat in silence before I spoke again. "I guess it stopped me from thinking about other stuff. I kept reminding myself to smile and laugh all the time that my mind was focused on that instead. For a while I wasn't thinking about what he did to me, what was going on with Hayley or my mum, what's going on with my contracts, the media or the urges in my brain telling me to make everything stop. Pretending was easier than admitting to myself that there is something wrong with me or that my brain has been wired like a machine." 
Lindsey tilted her head in confusion, a million questions filling her head. "What do you mean your brain has been wired like a machine." I moved my eyes back to the floor. "Since I was 5 my mum kept telling me to be independent, she slowly stopped doing things for me. I started packing my own lunch, washing my own clothes, making my own breakfast, getting myself to and from school. She never said she was going to stop doing things I would just wake up one day and figure out I had to do it myself."
I started twisting my rings on my finger. "When I was 7 she started putting pressure on me to train harder. Hayley started getting into all these programs and my mum worked me harder, forcing me in the gym to do weights and cardio, she printed me out a diet sheet telling me I was too fat to be an athlete. But I guess it only started getting bad when I started getting into older teams."
"I got made fun of a lot, they called me selfish and childish, they said I was a crybaby and when I told my mum she said I was too soft. She told me to keep my problems to myself, she said that I was just being dramatic and I needed to stop crying all the time. If she found me crying she would make me run laps in the backyard and say I didn't deserve dinner. Things didn't get better till me and Hayley moved over here, but I just couldn't get over what she would say to me. Everything she said plus what happened at national camp, as well as here, I guess my brain will always be the way it is no matter how far away I go."
Lindsey didn't say anything she just pulled me in for a hug allowing me to dig my head into her shoulder. "I'm sorry, I know you don't want pity from me but you need to know you didn't deserve any of this and you deserve better." I shot her a soft smile. "You know you don't have to listen to your brain and you don't have to keep listening to their words in your head." I shook my head. "I don't think I can, I've tried I really have but I still find myself wondering what they would want me to do or what they would do if they found me reacting that way."
"What do you mean, reacting to what." All I could think about was Macey, how I didn't cry, how I still haven't cried. "I um, when I found out about Macey I shut down. I didn't cry because I kept remembering how much of a crybaby my mother would say I was being was and when people asked how I was I said I was fine because all I could think about was how I had been taught to keep things to myself." Something in my brain switched and suddenly I had no control over the words coming out of my mouth.
"So I did, I never told anyone about the letters I keep in my room in case I decide to make everyone's life easier, or that the sight of food makes me want to throw up sometimes or that sometimes I don't feel emotions for months because I've shut myself down or that I'm counting the days until I can leave here and get a fresh start but I can't even do that anymore because I might end up back with my mum because she won't sign permission for a contract that isn't at home." I had finally reached my limit, I told her everything going on in my brain, I had unraveled every secret I had except for one." 
It all became real to me, what I had just done when I saw the look of shock and horror on Lindsey's face. "I'm sorry I don't know what came over me just pretend I didn't say anything, just pretend we didn't have this conversation. Shall we go to training now." I said standing up from my chair as my mind raced at what I'd done. I saw Lindsey pull herself together. "Jess come back here, sit down please." Her voice was calm but I could hear the panick in her voice.
I sat down with butterflies in my stomach and a lump in my throat. "There was a lot in that but I'm going to start with food, you need food to keep you going, especially with a schedule like ours. I know eating can be hard I had issues with it too when I was 18, so I will always help you if you need it ok." As I tilted my head up I saw a soft smile on her lips and no judgement in her eyes so I nodded my head. 
"I know how much the contract stuff has been stressing you out and I know you won't ask for help so I thought I would arrange for just the 2 of us to go to a private mediation session. I thought that you wouldn't get angry at me for trying to help you relax so I booked us in. I also need you to know that no matter what happens or where you go, you will be a star in any team." She plastered a big smile on both of our faces before I saw hers drop into a look of sadness and worry.
"As for the last part." I cut her off. "Lindsey don't I didn't mean to say it, it just came out so can you just forget it please." I looked at her pleadingly. "You know I can't do that Jess, I already didn't tell anyone about your self harming but wanted to commit suicide isn't something I can keep to myself." I went to walk away but Lindsey stopped me.
"Jess You matter more than you know, and there are people who care deeply about you, even when it might feel like everything is too much. It's okay to not have all the answers right now, but there are ways to get through this and find support. You're not alone in this, and talking to someone will really help in ways you might not expect. You deserve to have people around you who want to help." She took a sharp breath.
"I know you don't want to talk about it and I don't want to force you but I think we need to get you some help. If I could help you I would but you have to understand that I don't know how to help you and I know you don't know what to do either. I know it will be hard but you can't keep going like this and no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to properly help you." She could see that panick building in me as my chest tightened and my throat closed up.
"How about we leave it for a while but only if I sleep over until we do. Once you feel more comfortable with the idea of it, then we will make sure we find the right person to help you." She comforted me as she brought me in for a hug and stroked my hair. "Can we just go to training please." I tried wiggling myself out of her arms. "Of course but I need to make sure that you know I'll always be here for you no matter where you go or who you play for." I nodded my head and spread a soft smile across my face to reassure her as I walked out the front door.