h o p e

                                    

                                          

✫ ༒ Joey ༒ ✫
I couldn't get my mind off Gabby. 
I know it was my doing—the whole breakup thing—but it still fucking hurt. 
The girl was constantly in my head and I couldn't get her pained expression out of it. I'd hurt her. She was crushed and that was all my doing. 
I'd probably ruined the girls Christmas for fucks sake. I on the other hand spent my Christmas breaking up arguments and shielding my siblings from my father's fists. 
While he was beating me with his fists, it hit me. I was disgusted with myself. I didn't want to be this person anymore. 
I'd broken the heart of the one person I truly loved. I caused her tears, I caused her pain. I did that.
Me. 
Not my father. Not my mother. It was all me. 
The path I was headed down scared the absolute shit out of me, and the idea of a future that resembled my parents was enough of a wake up call for me. So, since Christmas I'd been stuck with my head in the toilet. 
Sweat was drenching my skin as I fought every urge in my body to use. I couldn't give in, I wouldn't. I was trembling from head to toe, praying to just make it through the next hour. 
Just one more hour. 
You've got this. 
These words were how I'd managed to get through the last seventy-two hours. One hour at a time. 
"Are you still sick?" Tadhg asked, standing in the bathroom doorway. "Jesus, lad, you've been puking since Christmas." 
"He's still sick?" Shannon appeared next to him. "Oh my god, Joe, should I call the doctor?" 
"No," I wretched. "I'm...I'll be grand." 
I hope.
"What's wrong with you?" Tadhg asked in frustration. "Is it a bug? Can we catch it?" 
"No, it's not contagious." I wretched, moving to expel the contents of my stomach into the toilet. "Will one of you do me a favor?" 
"Of course," they said in unison. 
I held my phone out to them. "Hide it."
"You want us to hide your phone?" Tadhg looked puzzled. "Why?" 
"Please just take it." I forced out through my nausea. "Hide it somewhere, fucking break it if you have to, just don't give it back to me." 
"What if you get mad at us?" Shannon eyed me warily. 
"I won't." 
"But what if you do?" Tadhg asked. 
"I won't," I snapped. "Fuck!" 
"You're getting mad now," he pointed out. 
"Please," I whispered. "Please just do this for me. I never ask any of you for anything." 
"Can I keep it?" 
"No, Tadhg, you can't keep his phone," Shannon sighed.
"But he said that we could break it. Surely that means he doesn't want it." 
"He wants his phone." 
"But he just—"
"He just doesn't want it right now," Shannon explained. "He'll have it back when the time is right." 
"Then why don't you take it?" 
"Because I'm weak and I'll give it back the second he asks." 
"So?"
"So, that's not what he needs us to do for him." 
"Okay, none of this makes any sense to me." 
"Tadhg!" I snapped. "Fuck!" 
"Jesus, alright." He snatched the phone from my hand and pocketed it. "Consider it gone. But don't come bitching to me when you're out of credit and can't call your girlfriend. I plan on taking full advantage of this baby. How do you block your number when you're making a prank phone call? It's #31#, right?" 
"Tadhg!" 
"Fine, jesus, I won't prank anyone," he sighed. "Enjoy romancing the toilet, Joe." 
"Are you sure you don't want me to call a doctor?" Shannon asked once Tadhg was gone. "What about Gabby? I could call her for you."
"No, don't call Gabby," I shook my head. "Don't call anyone."
I hadn't told Shannon I'd broken up with Gabby. I couldn't get myself to say the words. I didn't want to tell my sister how much of a fuck up I was. I couldn't let her know that I had destroyed Gabby and her heart of gold. 
I love Gabriella Gray enough to save her from me. It might've killed me in the process but she was safe and that's what mattered. 
But I couldn't stop the little glimmer of hope from sprouting in my chest when thinking about the fact I might get my shit together. I could get it together and win her back. 
"Are you sure you don't want me to call Gabby for you?" Shannon took a seat on the floor opposite me. "If I had a boyfriend, I'd want to know if he was sick." Her blue eyes met mine, "I would want to help him." 
"She can't help me," I forced out. "No one can." 
"Joe," her features turned sad.
I knew she knew what was really happening. Still, we didn't speak a word of it. I was entirely grateful for her in this moment. 
She wasn't judging me. She wasn't lecturing me. 
She was just here. 
"It's okay," I breathed. "It's going to be okay."
"You promise?" 
"I promise." 
I hope.