Heavy

                                    

                                          
My heart felt like it stopped as I listened to the person on the other side of the phone telling me information. I felt like I wasn't taking it in, my whole body developed a sudden tremor. I was in a state of shock, my mind swirling with so many questions, I physically couldn't bring myself to ask. 
I lean against the lounge room wall in Kim's house as I continued to listen to the woman. I felt sick, almost like my legs would give way in any given moment. This couldn't be happening could it? Surely this is some sick joke. "Does that sound like something you would be willing to do?" The woman asked, my body and mouth were now on autopilot as I replied. "Yes. Yes it would." Katie and Viv looked at each other before their eyes trained on me just as Kim's already were. Beth frowned, perhaps she could get little bits of what was being said. I don't know. "Yes, thank you. Um, yes the address is the same... see you tomorrow." I tried to speak with confidence, I don't know if it conveyed that way or not. God knows I was not feeling confident.
I hung up the phone once the pleasantries were over, I let out a shaky breath and blinked away the tears that had welled up in my eyes and had been threatening to fall. This is all such a mess, I thought my life was in a good place. If I'm rational, my life actually is...though for someone else their life had flipped on its head. "Babe?" Katie spoke softly, I looked up at her willing myself to find the right words to say. "Lils, you look like you've seen a ghost." Beth frowned. "I...I. Can I get some water please?" I croaked. Kim was quick to get me some water as Viv guided me back to the sofa. 
"What's going on? We're all here, no pressure. We will listen, it looks like that's what you need right now. It's ok. All in your own time...absolutely no judgements from any of us." Viv said gently as she took a seat beside me. Katie took my hands in hers as she knelt in front of me. "What Viv said babe. We've got you." Concern clear in her voice as her eyebrows furrowed. Kim soon returned with a water for me, I took a sip, followed by a mouthful and swallowing as I tried to organise the right way to explain my current feelings in light of the news I'd just been given. 
"I'm sorry. I'm literally ruining what's been an amazing night." I swallow hard, a tear running down my face. "Hey. No, I'm not having that. You haven't done anything." Beth spoke up, firmly yet comfortingly. I sigh. "The person who's been trying to get in touch with me was a lady from social care." I start, while playing with the rim of the glass of water Kim had given me. "My brother- whom I had managed to cut out of my life... something happened. An accident I suppose, or maybe it's not. I didn't really process what was said very much. Basically he has a kid and the kid needs someone... family." I pause and look around to at the girls. 
"I'm not explaining this well." I sigh. "It's ok. Take your time." Kim gently squeezed my shoulder. "Max isn't a good person- my brother." I grimace. "He got caught up in drugs and made so many terrible choices, I tried to distance myself, you know. I don't know how social care found me, I don't know what happened but he has a kid, I don't know anything about... and now they want me to take him in, temporarily, well I guess until Max is able to have him back. And I said yes." I rub my face, still with Katie's hand in mine. "This is such a mess." I conclude. "It's ok, you're clearly in shock babe. We will all help you, that's what we do. You'd do the same for us." Katie tried to reason. "I don't doubt it. It... well it all feels kind of heavy. I'm essentially opening the door to him again, Max I mean. I don't think I am strong enough to deal with everything that comes with Max, though now there's a kid involved. A kid that deserves stability, hope and love." The girls nod in understanding. 
"From what I can see, you're the perfect person for it Lili." Kim smiles lightly, a glimmer of empathy showing through. "I understand that it's hard, it'll probably be quite mentally and emotionally taxing on you, but as you say, there's a child involved. I honestly don't think they'd have picked anyone else who was more worthy or right for the little one to be with. Lili you're amazing and the little one will do just fine in your care. We can cross the Max bridge when it comes to it. You don't have to have everything worked out right now. One step at a time is the best plan for now." Kim advised, her kindness made me cry. I respect Kim so much and to hear what she said really hit me hard.