Sweden

                                    

                                          
20th of October 2019
I hate waiting in the tunnel, it is full of tension and silence, it gives my mind time to think about other things, things I'd rather forget. Like how I wish Macey's death never broke me, that I never became captain and allowed him to do the things he did to me, that I feel guilty whenever I feel happy because it's like I'm forgetting how happy Macey made me. I would rather forget how guilty I feel for making new friends because I feel like I'm moving on from Macey and I don't think I'm ready, I haven't even accepted that she is gone yet.
Thoughts kept pouring into my brain, visions of his hands on me, hearing him telling me everything wrong with me in my ear, I have all this pain inside of me but I have no solution so I keep pushing it down. I was so stuck in my own head that I didn't notice people walking out in front of me until Guro put her hands on my shoulder and telling me to walk out. 
As I was walking out, my head was stilling filling with thoughts, flashbacks of him, the things he would do to me, the things he would say. I hate it, I hate getting flashbacks of things I don't want to remember, things I want to forget. I'm so afraid of being happy because whenever I'm happy, something bad always happens. 
Guro and Ingrid both knew something was off when they were standing next to me in the national anthem. "Are you ok, are you nervous." Guro asked me during the Swedish national anthem. "What. No I'm fine." I said trying to stop myself from zoning out again. "It will be fine. You played so well last time you have nothing to worry about. We've got you, the whole team has got you." Ingrid said smiling at me as the Norwegian national anthem started.
I'm pretty sure everyone knew something was wrong during the handshake because I didn't make eye contact with anyone from the Sweden team, or even the Norwegian team when we gave each other a hug before the team photo. I was kneeling at the front next to Guro, everyone was smiling for the photo but I didn't, I had to much going on in my head to think about what was going on.
I was tasked of marking Filippa but 10 minutes in, I had played awfully. Normally at the first whistle, my focus turns to the match but not today, all I could think about was everything he had said to me, all the things that were true. 10 minutes in, Kristine made a hard challenge on Sandra and she was down receiving treatment from the medic. 
"Jess come here." Marten called for me so I ran across the field to the bench. "What's going on, you're completely out of it. If your nervous don't be you played amazing last time, just get your head in the game ok." He smiled at me reassuringly. "I-I, I-Im, Im sorry. I'll do better I promise." I had to make myself realise that Im not in Australia anymore, I'm here and Im playing for Norway nothing that he said matters anymore, only what Marten thinks.
I quickly grabbed a bottle of water and poured it over my head, hoping it would help me focus on where I am and not what's going on in my head. It helped a little, but the quick pep talk from Maren helped a lot more, she calmed me down a bit making it easier for me to settle into the game.
I played a lot better after that was it my best no way but it was better and by half time we were up 2-1. As we were walking off the pitch, Frida came over from the bench. "What happened the first 10 minutes are you ok, no one said anything to you in the tunnel did they." Frida asked pulling me into a hug. "No Frids don't worry I'm ok now, I was just a little distracted." She pulled me onto her back for a piggyback. "Good." I smiled as she walked me into the dressing room.
As everyone made their way back out onto the pitch after our final speech from Marten and Maren, on the way out Marten pulled me aside on the side of the pitch. "Are you feeling ok now, if you feel like you did in the first 10 minutes just let me know and we will put Frida on for you." I nodded. "Yes I'm ok and I'm sorry, it wasn't good enough on my part and it won't happen again."
"Jess it's ok, you have been playing fantastic since don't stress you've made up for it. Now go out there and give it everything you've got ok." I smiled and jogged over to the team huddle making eye contact with Frido on the way. 
I eased my way into the second half, getting more physical and precise making slide tackles and long passes. In the 76th minute, the ball was in our keepers box and Frido passed off to Stina who was getting closed off by Maren. I saw Stina looking for options and I saw the only open player was Magda who was just outside the box. 
I saw the ball release from Stina's foot in Magda's direction and I sprinted, reaching her just as she received the ball. I went in for a slide tackle on the ball but after I committed, she passed it off. It was too late, I was already sliding on the ground right towards her ankles and she wasn't reacting quickly enough to move. I made contact with her ankle and I felt her body weight fall on top of me.
We were both in pain on the floor, she was clutching her ankle and I was holding my head that had been hit by her elbow. I saw the medical staff coming on the pitch so I got up, I wanted to keep going to prove I could do better so instead of talking to the medics, I went to see if Magda was ok. After I apologised and went to walk away, I felt someone push me in the back and when I turned my head I saw it was Linda Sembrant who I had tackled a few times.
"What's your problem. Have you never been taught how to time a tackle before." She said now shoving me on my shoulders. "Hey calm down. It was an accident ok, when I went in she had the ball at her feet I thought I had time. I would never purposefully hurt someone." I heard Guro and Ingrid coming over. "I'm sure other people believe that line. Just because you're still a kid doesn't mean I'm going to let you get away with hurting my teammates."
"Linda she didn't mean it back off." Guro said pushing her back. "It was clearly an accident." Ingrid added before the referee arrived. "Ladies back off. 15 come here." I walked over to her. "What you did was dangerous so I have to give you a yellow card." She reached out to grab her card. "A YELLOW CARD IT WAS AN ACCIDENT." 
"Don't yell at me. It's a yellow card and a penalty." I didn't bother saying anything else to prevent making it worse. I walked into my position in the wall for the penalty. Luckily they didn't score off it and Magda could continue. At the final whistle we lost 3-5 and I felt guilty, like it was fault.
As we were shaking hands after the game I thought it would be a good idea to apologise to Magda again. "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to get you I promise I was going for the ball. I'm really sorry." She smiled and pulled me in for a hug. "Hey it's ok we all make mistakes don't worry about it." She then released me from her arms. "Are you sure I feel really bad."
"Don't worry I'm perfectly fine don't let what Linda said get to you, she was just being protective. I forgive you." I smiled and pulled me into a side hug. "Thank you." I said looking up at her. "I know how it feels to be a new young player in a team and it can make you feel like everything you do isn't enough, but trust me when I say that you are doing more than enough. Everything you did today had purpose and it had an impact, you're doing well and don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
A smile appeared on both of our faces. "Thank you, you have no idea how much that means to me." She let go of me and as she walked away she said. "Maybe I'll see you around some time soon, maybe in the WSL." I laughed. "Sorry I'm media trained." We both started laughing as we walked in separate directions. "Jess we have to go, we have a plane to catch." Guro called out to me from the tunnel.
As me and Frida were walking to the tunnel she slapped me in the arm. "Do you see what I mean, you literally tackled Magda right in the ankles and you still somehow make her like you after. I don't get it, how do you make so many friends with people who could easily hate you or forget your existence." She said right as we walked passed the fans. "Hey I never made Linda or Mapi like me after both of them have yelled at me on the pitch."
"Jess that's 2 people, only 2 people don't like you. You are in frequent contact with Alexia Putellas and you're worried about 2 people not liking you." I shook my head. "Jeez Frids you're obsessed with her or do you just like saying her name." I laughed as we entered the tunnel and made our way to the dressing room followed by the airport.