14/11/24

                                    

                                          
My dear Kyra,
I've come to realize that I'm still angry at you. That I still feel betrayed. But it's all been numbed, but I don't feel numb I'm just getting on with life, but those feelings have been blocked out. But what made me realize that they're still there, just blocked, is the fact that the new people I've met, when they go all "oh I won't leave you blah blah blah" (which I didn't instigate they just came out with it), I've told them that it's not possible for them to hurt me anyways because I'm not getting emotionally attached to anyone anymore. And they keep going on like I would never break your heart anyway (that's one guy I'll get to that in a sec) and I'm like yeah no you can't because I'm not involving myself or trusting anymore. Like I literally don't care whether you do or not cuz I'm fine just being on my own. And I told them that I don't even want anyone anymore I'm just focusing on my goals and I keep telling Miko that I can't wait to live alone in uni. And I realized hang on, I think I'm putting up walls, but like not in an unhealthy way since I'm prioritizing me and respecting that I don't want to be involved with anyone, but I'm still in self protect mode nonetheless and that means I'm still angry at Kyra. Which when I realized that, I could feel that anger deep down and I was like huh guess I was right. I don't feel the anger or betrayal most of the time, but it's there. And when I'm angry, I walk. I walk and I walk and I walk until I can't walk anymore. And then I turn around and walk back. I did that last night, with my music, and I walked even further than last time. I think I was out like... 4 ish hours. So that's double last time. But I felt very peaceful and it was really nice. I felt better.
Although this morning I have woken up with a lot of arthritis, especially in my legs. And I also feel very sick and sleepy and tired and my head hurts a lot and I have post period cramps. So trying to study while being in so much pain and so sleepy is really hard but I'm determined to push through. Cuz yesterday I managed to focus really well, and I want to focus like that again today.
Okay now onto what I said I'd get to. Yeah there's a guy who thinks we're dating and he's being really annoying and stuff and going on about how I mean the world to him and how I'm just so amazing and how he won't ever break my heart and that he's so in love with me and it's really annoying. I even straight up told him that he means nothing to me and I'm still in love with my ex. And said multiple times I don't want anyone. And that I don't have feelings for him. And that I'm gAy. Does he listen? nO. He's like oh wow you're so amazing for being so honest yada yada. But he's started texting less so maybe he's finally getting it into his tiny brain. He also looks like a freaking pedo. So yeah that's that annoying thing in my life right now but it seems to be resolving.
Also, on the 11th of november (heheh 11/11) I went to the cinema all by myself for the very first time in my entire life, and I got the ticket and popcorn all by myself which I've never ever ever ever done before. It made me so happy. And the movie...oh my GOSH. Best horror movie I have ever ever ever watched. I dunno if I wrote about Smile on here, about how I was anxious to watch it because of being triggered but I did and loved it, well Smile 2 came out in October and I think I said that I was waiting for my friend so we could watch it but getting impatient. I dunno, I can't remember if I wrote that here or not. But she ended up not being free until the 16th, and by then the movie wouldn't be in the cinema anymore. And I really wanted to watch it on a big screen and with surround sound for the jumpscares and stuff so I went by myself. It was the best my goooosh Kyra I really hope you watch it and if not I'm freaking showing it to you. It was bloodier, gorier, scarier and altogether so much better than the first one. Like the first one was really really good but this was a MASTERPIECE. When her mum started yelling at her, it was the things my mum yelled at me so at that point I did started crying because I could hear my mum and it was very very very very triggering, but then she started stabbing and slitting her throat and gouging out her eye so I felt better xD And oh my gosh the opening scene. That was what made me smile so big like yes this is gonna be so good I can feel it I'm so excited. Cuz like it picked up right where the first movie left off, well 6 days later from the end of the last one, and right from the start everyone was stabbing and shooting each other with blood spurting everywhere, and then as he went to escape, he got hit by a car and his legs and arms were ripped off and he was ripped in half so his organs and pieces of skin were all squished into the snow and the blood was smeared in the shape of a GIANT SMILE. That was when I was like OH NO THEY DIDN'T YOU AMAZING DIRECTOR AAAAAAAAAAAAA. I really debated sending this guy fan mail just to say how creative and amazing he was for this movie. The goriest thing in the first movie was probably just like either the smile entity ripping the skin off its disguise or that girl slitting her entire face down to her throat, and it didn't show much of the suicides. THIS ONE SHOWED EVERYTHING. And they really really really went gruesome. The first guy smashed his face 3 times with a weight, first smash he was bloody and his nose had been smashed into his face, second one blood was dripping down and his skin was going and his jaw was starting to hang loose, third his jaw was completely hanging off and his skin and muscles were peeling off and blood was dripping everywhere. And there was another scene where you were very clearly able to see a guy slowly ripping his jaw off with a crowbar, whereas in the first one, when the guy who killed himself by smashing his face in with a crowbar, you didn't really get to see it. And even the car crash was bloody and gross. AND THEN WHEN THE SMILE ENTITY COMES OUT OF ITS DISGUISE instead of peeling the skin off, this time it uses her scar that's on her stomach to rip her in half and explode out her stomach which at first I thought were the organs all coming out but then is face ripped through this sack thing and maaaan that was so gory and such a cool idea. And in the first movie, Rose killed herself by setting herself on fire right, well in this one, Skye kills herself by stabbing herself in the eye with her microphone IN FRONT OF A WHOLE STADIUM. Which is like WAIT. Usually there's only oNe witness for the suicide who then gets cursed and has 7 days to live until they are possessed and also kill themselves, but now a whole stadium of people saw this. So does that mean they're all gonna kill themselves? Can the smile demon really possess all those people at once? WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN THERE ARE SO MANY CURSED WITNESSES NOW. So ya this movie was soooooooooooo good and you really need to watch it.
Anywayyyyy that's my update. I may be angry at you still but I still love you. I just feel like you really betrayed me and now I don't want to involve myself with anyone. Like I genuinely don't care about getting close to people or having a relationship anymore because I'm fine like this and then I won't suffer the same hurt. If you come back and prove that you really want to get back together, I would, but not now. Because I don't want to be with anyone right now. I'm still in love with you. But I'm saving it for the future when I'm healed. When you show me that you love me, or want to be with me, if that ends up being what you want, cuz you can't just toy with my heart and expect me to come running back to you. I love you.
Yours forever,
Your moving rock <3