Brooklyn ~86~

                                    

                                          
I sobbed into Zachary's arms as he held me close, I could feel Callan stroking my back. It's been a week since that day. Their lawyers talked everything through and ensured no one ended up in jail. But that night, only I came back home. 
I've been crying nonstop. It was as if every other emotion in me had been stomped on and trampled over due to the grief. 'There are five stages of grief' they say, and I've already been through three. 
Denial.
When I held his body and convinced myself he was asleep or playing around with me. I cried over him in hopes it was all just a dream.
Anger. 
When I had shot Alek until I saw his life drain from his eyes, making sure he wouldn't reach for his soul again. And if he did, I'd take it from him over and over again. Trapping it in the darkest depths of hell.
Bargaining.
When the nurses had to peel me away from his body, holding me back as they wheeled him away on the stretcher. When I begged them to use my blood, my organs, take my life to give it to him. 
And now, I'm slipping into depression. 
I've stopped eating as much as I used to. It was always Atticus who cooked. The kitchen was his zone. A while back, I hadn't known this, and I made food for everyone. I remember them being surprised when Atticus told them it was me who cooked. I didn't know what the big deal was.. Turns out, it was bigger than I'd expected. Atticus had never let anyone cook in his kitchen besides Callan and Zachary. Sometimes not even they could touch the food.
But he had let me. 
I cry harder into Zachary's chest, my head hurting like hell from all of the tears. It became a routine. I wake up, they force me to eat something, I vomit, they comfort me, I cry, I fall asleep. And it repeats. 
I was being selfish and I hated it. I had known Atticus for only four months, almost five. But these two... they had known him for years. He was their brother, their best friend. I hug Zachary tightly, sniffling and trying to calm my tears a little. I needed to comfort them. I had to. They needed it more than I did. 
But I couldn't find the strength to stop crying. 
The thing is, it wasn't just Atticus' death that was killing me. It was Lee's also. When we went to the hospital to say our last goodbyes until the burial, one of the nurses who was in charge of helping Lee came over, hugged me, and gave me a letter. She had been carrying it with her ever since he died. In it, were his last words to me. 
"Brooklyn. I'm afraid that I don't have much time left. I don't know why you stopped visiting, but know I'm not upset. Thank you for visiting me when you could. I hope you and your men are doing well. Yes, I know you well enough, buttercup. Tell that friend of yours I'll haunt him after I'm gone. Love you, Bibi." ~Lee
After reading it, I felt like digging my grave and slitting my throat. We were closer than you'd think, he had even invited me over for Thanksgiving. But now I don't think I'll be able to make it. It was too much for one night. 
And then the nightmares came. The scene at the theater replayed like a broken vinyl. And then it changed. I'd dream of the day my sister died. How my parents blamed everything on me. Then I realized, it was because of her death that they died. Perhaps I was born to be cursed. To have everyone I loved stripped away from me. 
I pull away from Zachary, seeing the pain in his eyes. I place my hand on the back of his neck, bringing his head to rest on my shoulder. I didn't say anything. I didn't move. I just held him. I grab Callan and pull him closer too. We all needed each other. 
"Please don't leave me too..." I whisper painfully, holding them tight. I felt Callan let out a breath and shake his head. 
"Never."
~
Another week passed and acceptance was finally knocking at the door. I didn't let it in. Because some part of me continues to hope and pray that he's okay. Even though we already have a date for his funeral.
I stopped crying though. I don't think I have the tears left for it now. Zachary and Callan have been trying to spend time with me, but I know they're struggling. They're going through things and won't tell me. I understand though, they're grieving harder than I am. I just wish they'd slow down and take time for themselves. 
Every morning when I wake up, one of them is gone. It's like they're taking shifts to make sure I'll be okay. But I know that when they're not with me, that's when they break down. 
I sat in the living room watching flea market flip with Zachary, combing his hair softly as he dozed off on my stomach. I still wanted to cry but it just wouldn't happen. Callan walked into the house, his footsteps heavy and urgent. He grabs Zachary and yanks him off of me, shaking him awake fully before dragging him a good distance for me, grabbing his shoulders and then his face, whispering something to him. 
I watch confused, seeing Zachary shake his head and hit Callan's hands away. But Callan persisted. He grabs Zach's face again and says something more firmly, making his eyes widen and lips part a little. I stood to go hear what they were talking about.
"Stay there." They said in unison, they're eyes on me. Zachary's eyes held an emotion I couldn't quite place whilst Cal's held something that looked like terror. Now I was worried. 
"What's going on? Why won't you tell me anything..?" I say, feeling hurt that I was being left in the dark. Callan sighed and shook his head before letting go of Zachary and gesturing for me to come over. I walk closer, letting him bring me to his side. 
"Remember the blood angels? Well, they're doing something right now that is putting our lives in danger. If word gets out, the Panthers will easily attack since.. since we lost our pillar." He says softly, his voice hushed a little. My eyes widen and I cover my ears. 
"Okay done. I don't want to hear anything about it." I say, backing up. Callan chuckles softly and kisses my forehead. I drop my hands and kiss his cheek, then Zachary's. "You know that I'm here for you two right..?"
"We know, sweetheart. We love you." Zachary says softly. I nod and breathe in slowly, going to sit back down on the couch after telling them I love them too. I cast a glance back at them to see them talking in hushed tones. Zachary pushed Callan's shoulders and took a few steps back, his eyes wide before rushing out of the house, not even taking a jacket.