let it go...?

                                    

                                          
5am, the lights are still on I'm half burned out, my mind spinning the clock ticking, I'm losing myself NO I was wrong! She did not do anything it was my fault, I made her do it, but she still tried to protect and respect me.... WHAT IN HEAVENS SAKE HAVE I DONE! I cried uncontrollably, I literally heard my my heart sobbing I never knew I was this heartless and insensitive...is this how my life had been all along? 
Putting all the blame on everyone and playing the victim, now I was gonna lose her I'm the monster 😭 i could no longer stop the urge of having a cigarette 🚬 I literally one and had a few puffs which developed to many of them, for every puff i too i thought about my bad habits and my confusing past, thinking of how i can change just change and be myself maybe I was being something I couldn't be I felt like I had, had a wasted life 😞 i was just naive....soon i started remembering how i grew up and how my dad was  so strict  in letting us follow hus rules he probably did too much and even looked down on others as well, he thought of himself as perfect and so were his "family" we later got out of that grip except for my older brother we were 5 kids, as for mom she was really distant in my life she busied herself trying to please dad all her life for as far as I remember i couldn't help it but keep crying that my dads lifestyle had been trapped in my mindset though I tried to make it not too, but well I had to work on myself, i dont give a fuck what anybody thinks is the life i live to be a blessing to humanity atleast that is one thing i learnt from the teaching of Siddhartha's teachings as a Buddhist. And I was going to make that happen, it was time to shake it off and live a higher purpose and find out what I had inside me it might not be perfect but there is a way.. I got off, made my bed  and after some meditation and critical thinking I took a very long and fulfilling bath(now rise and begin time to awaken,I can't go round again)......now is the 🕯️Light