036

                                    

                                          
Harry? Son, it's me your mum. I just called to hear from you but I am answered with the voicemail...again. I just wanted to tell you that I miss you and that Gemma and I want to see you. It's been so long son. Please call me back; at least let me heard your voice. I love you so much my boy. Please just call me. Bye Harry.
                          
I stop kissing Violet at the sound of her voice. I look to the phone debating between I should answer it or not. However, I am too caught up to answer so I just listen to my mother's message.
                          
Her voice sounds sad and she is crying by the end because I can feel how her voice is trembling and she sniffs every now and then. 
                          
"Harry?" Violet asks bringing me back to reality.
                          
She is looking me with her green eyes full of sorrow. I look to her and sigh before running a hand through my hair.
                          
"How long has been since the last time you spoke to your mum?" She asks me.
                          
"4 months." I say looking to the sheets.
                          
"Harry!" She gasps and shakes her head in denial. "You have to call her back."
                          
"I don't want too." I say.
                          
"Why not? She is heartbroken!" She says.
                          
"Violet you don't understand. I can't deal with this right now." I say shaking my head.
                          
"Harry she needs you. Please call her back." She begs me.
                          
I get up from the bed continuing to shake my head in denial. This can't be happening. Why Violet thinks she has the right to tell me what to do?
                          
"I am not calling her because I don't want to. End of the discussion. I will be in the shower." I say.
                          
I see Violet shaking her head as I make my way into the bathroom. I strip from the little clothes I am wearing and I jump into the shower. My hair gets damp easily as I let myself cry. I cry and I can't stop.
                          
Anger fills my body to the extent that I punch the wall with my knuckles, hurting myself more than anything. I feel my chest go up and down rapidly and memories flash through my mind.
                          
So many things going through my brain I can't seem to function properly. I shouldn't have started anything with Violet. I should have been more intelligent than that. She is too good for me. I am just a piece of shit with lots of money in the bank.
                          
She needs a man who can provide for her. Who can give her love, stability and kids. I most likely will never get better than I am now. I can't give her things I don't want. I don't want to fall in love. I will never have stability because I am not emotionally stable. I will never have kids because I don't want them to have me as their parents. They don't deserve that.
                          
Violet is too perfect for me. I already knew that but I got myself to believe that she could bring the best of me. I thought that with her I will be out of the dark, but I was wrong. Nobody can do that because it is me who has to come out of the dark. However, I don't want to because it hurts to fight your demons. It's better to have them bottled up inside.
                          
I never felt more exposed than a few minutes ago with Violet. The way her eyes looked at me when I say that I was glad my father was dead was enough to realize that I needed to let her go. I know I begged for her to don't leave me but I am selfish and I can't bring myself to left her.
                          
She is the best thing that ever happened to me and as much as I know we will end up hurting each other, I can't seem to let go. I'm so attached to her. In a way I can't see myself without her anymore. I need her like I need air to breath and I know it is wrong to depend on someone on that way but I can't help it.
                          
I know someday she will realize that I don't deserve her time and she will leave. But for as long as she wants me I will have her. I'm being selfish and I know it will hurt me in the long ran but I need her. I need her more than I first thought I did.
                          
If I am being honest, the thought of leaving her hurt more than the thought of going back into my past. The reason why may be because my past is already past and she is my present and I have no idea how much it's going to hurt. Neither if it really will hurt because after everything, I am numb.
                          
However, she has brought life into me. Since she is here I felt and that scares me too. Thinking that she brings me life to cut it short someday and hurt me.
                          
For a moment I thought I could be happy. Maybe someday I will be able to explain it all to Violet. Maybe someday I will be able to speak to my sister and mother and don't feel the sorrow. Maybe someday I will be able to get over everything my father did. Maybe someday I will be happy forever.
                          
But maybe is a doubtful word. There is no way to know this will happen as there is no way to know if I will be here tomorrow or not. Life is a constant maybe and I hate that maybe. 
                          
I like to be in control. Before Violet, every day was the same. I kept the people I care for to the minimum and it was me, myself and I. Now everyday was unpredictable and I got someone I care about more than I care for myself.
                          
I shook my head and finish my shower. I ran a towel thought my hair and put it around my waist. I go into my mirror and I look into my eyes. I stare at myself thinking and thinking.
                          
After a good few minutes, I step out of the bathroom and my heart breaks when I don't find Violet in there. Of course, she was going to leave me. I will too if I was in her place. I was such an asshole to her, I deserve it.
                          
I feel a tear roll down my face and I sat down on the bed hugging my legs to my chest.
                          
"The pizza guy just came and-" I heard Violet say. "Are you okay?"
                          
I look up to her. She is still wearing my sweater and her old jeans, her feet bare and hair a messy bum on top of her head.
                          
"Are you crying?" She asks worried.
                          
"I-I...Its ridiculous..." I say stopping my tears.
                          
"If it upsets you it is not." She says before jumping in bed next to me.
                          
"It's just...I thought you left me." I say looking to my tights.
                          
She doesn't say anything; instead she delivers a kiss to the back of my neck.
                          
"I told you. I will never leave you unless you tell me to." She says before pecking me again.
                          
"I don't deserve you. I'm such an asshole; you could do so much better." I say.
                          
"You are a great person. You just don't show it." She says. "Plus you are all I want."
                          
I look up to her and she smile widely at me. A little smile forms on my face and she takes the chance to kiss my lips.
                          
"You are prefect to me." She says when we pull away.
                          
"I am far from perfect." I say.
                          
"You have flaws and ghost but I wouldn't want you any other way." She says before going in for yet another kiss.
                          


                          
***
                          


                          
A/N: intense chapter! one of my personal favourites so far, I don't know why. I feel like I messes a lot with the Varry feels hahaha 
                          
That gif of Harry literally breaks my heart :(