30/09/24

                                    

                                          
My most precious, beautiful girl,
I miss you. Like crazy. I seriously really really miss you and it's driving me insane. But I choose to believe you will come back, it'll just take a few months for you to not be angry at me anymore, a few months for you to remember our happy memories, a few more months for you to start to miss me, and a few more months for you to even consider being friends again. So it's just a waiting game. I can't do anything right now as much as I really want to make it right with you because I'm not allowed to contact you, you need time, and I want to prove that I can respect you and also I should be using this time to be good for you. But I miss you so very much and every day is hard because every day I'm reminded you're not here and you left and you just abandoned me after everything we did together. So I'm just existing at the moment. It always gets worse around my period which just sucks. I'm already sad and depressed I don't need to feel even worse. And you hurt me with the anniversary thing. And you hurt me by not wanting to fix things between us because to me that's you showing that our relationship wasn't worth it. But to me it was. To me you are. I'll endure all this pain and find you in the end to fix what I broke. But I feel so depressed and hurt every single day I'm awake and I hate it all. I just want you back. I just want to go back to when we were happy together and you wanted me and you loved me. I want you. But you hate me.
I feel bad too because last night me and Stephen were watching stuff together and I accidentally fell asleep on call and didn't wake up once. I was in a very very deep sleep all night and my alarm went off this morning, my phone was still charging, it was still next to my head and Steph wasn't on the call but I had two texts from him saying "gn bub sleep well" and I felt so so bad and I still feel bad. I feel really bad for falling asleep like that while we were on call. I apologized over and over and he said he's not hurt but I can't help but feel so guilty for just falling asleep.
What did make me laugh though was seeing his search history on YouTube and there was something on there that I read out loud and he made me swear on my life that I wouldn't tell anyone what I saw so I'm not allowed to say but it was really funny and kind of sad xDDD
I torched a cockroach last night. I walked into the bathroom and there was a huge one on the floor and I scared it and it came running straight for me and so I ran and grabbed a shoe and then spent the next 10 minutes trying to work up the courage to hit it but then it ran into the towels so then I spent another 10 minutes shuffling the towels with my shoe to find it but apparently it wasn't there any just disappeared. So I went out the bathroom and there it was. I dunno how it ran out without me seeing but that was when I finally whacked it and then it came running at me so I freaked out and whacked it more until it landed on its back. It wasn't trying to get up but it was twitching so I got the lighter and burned it like 5 times. It was chirping and twitching and then it died and boy does burning cockroach smell absolutely awful. AND THEN I WENT TO GET A LEMON OUT THE FRIDGE AND A COCKROACH RAN OUT I swear I freaked out so bad but it disappeared after that so it's still alive. On call with Steph I heard a cockroach chirping while I was laying in bed too so I got scared and Stephen was saying it won't crawl on me because I'm white but my white skin is not some cockroach repellent xD I couldn't find it though which was scary.
I found a tiny dead cockroach on my drawing today as well and there was another one in the bathroom last night after I killed the big one and I just. We have an infestation and the house isn't even dirty. Pat is Brazilian all they do is clean and work. So yeah that sucks.
Anyway. I've started selling jewelry after I found a bunch of shells with holes already in when I went to the beach and yesterday I went back to the beach to get some sand and bring it back for product photography and I basically poured sand over the bathroom sink, got a stone, put my necklace on the stone and set up my camera and then got a glass tray and filled it with water and swished the water around under the torch from my phone to create a water reflection over the necklace and then took pictures. It was fun but a pain to clean up. But the picture turned out really nice so year now I'm trying to sell my stuff.
Once again today I can't focus on studying but that's because I'm thinking about you and wanting to cry so yeah. I'm also really hungry and we haven't had food in the house for a very long time now. And I have no money to be able to buy something.
Also another thing is Miko randomly messaged me a couple of days ago. Yeah, I have been talking to him. And yes I know what he did. But I believe that human's make bad decisions and mistakes and it's unfair to always ignore them because they are human. He made a very bad decision, one that I don't agree with, but that was one time and people deserve another chance. Everyone is human. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone chooses to act in a bad way but that does not define them. You've done bad things, I've done bad things, Stephen has done bad things, but I love you guys and I still think you are both good people and I didn't stop talking to you when you both told me about stuff you have done. I accept you made bad decisions but they don't define you. I see you as you are and I think you are such a beautiful soul. And also, Miko misses you guys. But he's too stubborn to send a text because he's still upset that you both just left him.
I guess you could also apply this to me hurting you. I'm just a human who made some very bad choices which hurt you because I was hurting, and I'm working so hard to fix things but you want nothing to do with me and hate me. I'm just a person. I make mistakes. Can't you forgive me and give us another chance? I know they were big mistakes but can't you see how willing I am to make it up to you? Can't you see that I didn't mean to? Just please give me another chance, Kyra. Please. I'm just human. I made mistakes that I deeply regret and all I'm asking for is for you to give me a chance. Please forgive me.
I'm gonna try and get back to studying now. I don't think there's anything else to update you on, so yeah. I love you so much Kyra. So so much and I hope you have an amazing day and I hope something makes you smile today. Your smile is the most beautiful smile in the whole world.
Yours forever,
Your moving rock <3