I was never there (pitBabe) [1/8]

                                    

                                          

An AU where Charlie's death is planned, but it's a statement.
A statement of his love.
Part of the Songfic series on Ao3
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When it’s time,
 when it’s time,
 when it’s time
It won’t matter. 
It won’t matter.
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.

Because how much suffering is too much suffering? We never know.
Charlie has been aware of his life, or the lack thereof. 
Charlie knows he has no purpose, no direction, and no meaning. 
There are times he drifts away in his mind so far that it feels like he is watching his life in the third person, those are honestly the worst days.
He watches over himself and wonders, if not for those who need me, I don’t exist at all. 
It’s a weird feeling when you wonder if you are really real or not. When you don’t know if you exist or not.
Charlie has spent years in the foster system, under the care of his pa. Countless nights spent wondering whether his non-existent powers are the only reason he is supposed to be alive. 
And then he meets Jeff. 
Jeff serves as a reason, a motivation to be alive, to be present in the moment. He needs to keep Jeff safe, fed, and happy.
 Satisfied to be alive, unlike himself.
Charlie has spent years, looking at his life as an outsider. Outsiders don’t care what happens to you, Charlie doesn’t care whatever happens to him.
But Jeff can absolutely not go through what Charlie has been through. Charlie loves Jeff, he won’t let him suffer.
So he takes Jeff and escapes. 
The world outside is big, intimidating, and honestly not that tempting. 
Charlie still sees no reason to be alive other than Jeff, nothing is worth going through in life. Nothing is worth all this suffering. 
But again, as if to allure Charlie in the complex web of human feelings and desires, God introduces another person into his life. 
Babe.
Charlie, for the first time in his life, considers the idea of life. Maybe, just maybe he has a purpose for himself too. 
For the first time, he entertains the idea of a future, of happiness for himself. 
Then he finds out about Babe’s life story, and it feels as if the universe is mocking him.
Look, Babe survived what you went through. Look at him, he is alive, he is a person unlike you. He has feelings and a life. 
And so another mission starts. Along with Jeff, Charlie swears to protect Babe with his life too. 
Meeting Babe is not part of the plan, it definitely is not what Charlie expects himself to do but Babe is too sweet of a temptation. 
He is like the worst concoction possible, of everything that swipes away your consciousness into a nirvana that’s almost impossible to return from.
Babe is Charlie’s personal brand of ecstasy. 
Ecstasy or obsession, Charlie never bothers to differentiate. Semantics.