Chapter 11

                                    

                                          
"It felt right." Andre told him as he started walking closer toward him, "And I want you." He slipped out, he couldn't believe those words came out of his mouth. 
Zayn stared at him confused, he buried his hand into his hair. "W-What do you mean you want me?" He stuttered his words out.
"I'm not entirely sure, but I can't stop thinking about you, it drives me crazy." He answered while pacing back and forth across the room, "I don't know what this means or entirely how I feel." 
He doesn't know what he wants from Zayn, all he knows is that he wanted to kiss him, he wanted to touch him, and he wanted Zayn to touch him, he wasn't supposed to feel this way towards the person he hated. He was conflicted. 
He constantly daydreams about how it would feel for him to be in his arms, especially when he is upset or mad about something the thought calms him down. 
He used to feel anger when the thought of him came up, but it's different now, the thought of him brings butterflies in his stomach. All of these feelings were new and foreign to Andre, and he didn't know what all of them meant, but he knew he didn't hate them.
He was going to take this one day at a time.
"Why?" Zayn asked him, causing Andre to pause, he didn't know how to respond, he didn't even know entirely how or why he felt this way. Feeling all of this towards a boy wasn't what he wanted, but it is what it is. This shit made his life even more complicated than it already is. And build on a pile of emotions that he's barely even handling. It was overwhelming.
"I don't know why but I just do." Zayn just stood there in shock and the room filled with awkward silence, he backed away from him to the point where he was across the room. 
The silence was deafening like both of them were afraid to speak. Andre didn't know what to do. He wanted to leave this uncomfortable situation.
Andre had his eyes fixated on him waiting for him to respond, but he didn't, he had this unreadable expression on his face. 
He wished he would respond with something because he just wanted to know how he felt. "Can you please say something?" Andre asked desperately for an answer. The more he remained silent, the more awkward and uncomfortable he felt.
"What do you want me to say?" Zayn responded still in shock, he didn't know why he told him, he didn't even understand his feelings a hundred percent, 
"That you want me to." Andre blurted out.
Zayn stared at him in disbelief, "I'm sorry but I can't give you that answer." He responded, shaking his head at him. He expected him to say this, to be honest, but it still hurt to hear him say this, he felt this tightness in his chest, Zayn walked out of the room, leaving Andre standing there feeling stupid, he deeply regretted telling him.
He sat down on the edge of his bed, trying to process what just happened and everything he just did, he shouldn't have kissed him, he fucked everything up, but it doesn't even matter anyway because it was not like they were even friends, and it's not like they can ever be together. Zayn probably hates him even more than he does.
He should have kept his feelings to himself.
But another part of him is happy that he told him how he felt. It was out there, and he didn't have to keep it repressed. 
-
Zayn started walking, not entirely sure where he was going, but he didn't want to be anywhere near that room, or him, he was so confused about how he felt, and he didn't really want to know, he was afraid that everything that he knew about himself would change.
A part of Zayn wished he was a girl.
He walked into the bathroom and sat down on the toilet, he couldn't believe what just happened, it didn't make sense to him because Andre was supposed to hate him, and now he was telling Zayn that he wanted him. He didn't know what to do or how to feel. He couldn't be in this bathroom forever, he wished he could be, so he didn't have to confront his problems. Why the hell is this happening to him? It was too much for him to take in.
He was going to be in the bathroom for a couple of hours until he had the guts to come back into the room. He didn't know what Andre expected, Zayn wasn't gay, and he refused to be.
He didn't want to think about it because things would feel real, he didn't want to think that there was a possibility that he could feel the same, he wanted to be in the dark of his own emotions, he was scared that the more he figured it out he would realize something that he didn't want to know about himself.
He rather go on with his life thinking he's a straight male, but deep down he knew he couldn't, Andre changed something in him that he didn't want, and it opened new feelings that he had never felt before towards a boy, and frankly he didn't want to.
And he's been trying to figure out how to cope and overcome his battle with addiction. And now he has to figure out his identity.
He questioned himself, did he like the guys? Does he want Andre back? He was starting to feel overwhelmed, he covered his face with his hands, and tears came down his eyes. He was afraid that if he was possibly gay what would his family think of him? Would they even accept him? He was so afraid of that. His family's opinion takes a big toll on him.
He hated how Andre was the one who was making him feel all of this. A couple of years ago he would've said he loathed Andre with a passion but now he wasn't so sure anymore. He was so confused about how he felt about him. 
It felt like the end of the world to him, despite the fact the world was going to continue spinning, it didn't feel like it. He thinks that there is a possibility that he might want him too and he knows that deep down, there is a part of him that wants to see what it's like to touch him, hold him, and kiss him, and that terrifies him. He wants to keep it deep down. 
He's scared of the new emotions that building up, and he wants to keep them suppressed, he just wants to live his life as a normal person, get married have children or something. 
He doesn't dislike gay people, but he has a lot of internalized homophobia, and he sees how the world treats gay people and he doesn't want to experience that. 
He took deep breaths to calm himself down, but it wasn't working, he walked out of the bathroom stall and looked at himself in the mirror, his face was red and puffy from crying, and he could feel himself start to have a headache. He turned the water faucet on and threw some water in his face to help him calm down a bit.
-
It's been a few hours since that happened, and Andre had time to process everything. And something just didn't make sense to him.
When he kissed him the first time, it was the way he kissed him that made it feel real, no straight person guy would kiss another guy, especially the way he kissed him. It doesn't add up. 
When Zayn walked into the room, Andre instantly stopped him in his tracks, "Why did you lie?" Andre confronted him, holding his arm hard enough so he couldn't walk away. 
Zayn looked at him with a confused look, he was trying to figure out what he was talking about, "What are you talking about?" He questioned him snatching his hand away from his grip.
"Why did you lie about not feeling the same way?" He asked him.
"I didn't lie. I'm not gay and even if I were you aren't the first choice I would go with." Zayn snapped at him as he yanked his arm away, he knew it was harsh what he said but he just wants this shit to be left alone and the both of them go back to never speaking to each other. 
Andre winced at what he said but he ignored it, "I'm not stupid Zayn deny it all you want, but if you didn't feel remotely the same way you wouldn't have kissed me like that." He told him as he walked closer to him, "I don't expect us to be something but don't make me feel crazy or like this is one-sided because I know I'm not the only one who feels that way." He angrily said before storming out of the room.