14. The Past

                                    

                                          
My first friend was Alorina...my first hug with a girl my age was Alorina, first dance, first kiss...it was all with Alorina. Our moms always said how good we would look together when we were older and we both felt appalled by it...but I knew deep down she wanted to marry me someday...because the same day we kissed just to know what it would feel like...our moms said that we would be the perfect couple to ever come out of this kingdom and we both blushed and I felt appalled but I saw it in her teal eyes...she was hopeful I would marry her...
And deep down I wanted to marry her too. I spent the next couple months after our kiss not being able to think about anything else but her...her lips were so soft when we kissed for only just a moment. In that moment though, I felt a terrifying but electrifying feeling...and even at a small age...I knew what my mom told me about marriage and reproduction...I knew deep down I was scared to do that with anyone else other than Alorina.
Because I knew she wouldn't judge me for not having any experience because she knew I wouldn't be able to touch anything or it would die and she knew me better than anyone, besides my mother. 
Now though...I want to believe she would still not judge me but I don't wanna get married to her. I'm contempt with living alone and having eternal peace...I actually can't wait to have it. 
But in the back of my mind...I crave the feeling of lips on mine again...and I fantasize about a perfect life as a married man. It doesn't matter if the woman is poor, mortal, royalty, an heir to the throne...it does not matter the woman's background...I just want a good wife I can treat like a queen and she won't get as greedy as my father...
In my teenage years...I so desperately wanted physical touch. Being a teenage boy without being able to touch anyone or even a flower was rough...kids need physical touch to not be lonely. And it does not have to be sexually intimate. Just a hug or a handshake...I so longed for just a handshake even...
But I was a teenage boy...and I did fantasize about what it would be like to have a perfect family but I also fantasized about meeting a woman and figuring out how to be nice and respectful and eventually creating heirs and such. 
But when I was a kid, I had already grown hopeless that I could never be around people besides my father again so I didn't think about marriage or creating an heir very often. I grew bitter...and mean. 
I didn't think about all the sweet things I mentioned earlier very often. It was all mainly when I was a kid or just turned 13 or something. I was still bitter even as a kid. I grew depressed...and they don't even have a magical cure for that let alone a normal cure. 
And I couldn't go outside very often except to the garden to cure my depression but it rarely ever worked. 
My point is, I used to dream of a day I would get married, be able to hug and kiss a woman and really mean the I love you's...I wanna hug our heir and if we have a little girl, I wanna do tea parties, draw with her and her brother, go on walks, teach them valuable lessons...just be a parent...and I wanna be able to love them unconditionally...and feel loved by them the same way...without judgement or fear of me hurting them. 
I mainly stay to myself except to talk to my parents. I patrol the room but I pull away as I hear a female voice and look down to see if she will touch me. I saw her hands try to grab my arm for a split second and I jerked my arm away just in time. "Liten Blackwood...oh you are so dreamy! I have plenty of dance spots left on my card..." 
I sigh and dread breaking this obvious news to her. "I apologize but I can not dance with you. I will hurt you if I touch you. I have powers that kill things and I can not control it." 
She nods, blushing that she didn't figure that out sooner and she speaks softly, "My apologies. Have a good night, your Highness." 
I scoff, "You do not have call me such miss...I am no prince...not one that is worthy of the title anyways. You can just call me Liten as you did before...and do not feel ashamed for not knowing about me. I'm quite glad you were not scared of me...but have a good rest of your night miss."