the secret part 2

                                    

                                          
i lie awake in bed. it's 2am and it had been 6 hours since charles had ran out on me. no text, no call, nothing. i was disappointed to say the least, i didn't know what to do. i needed to call someone, tell someone, but the only person who came to mind is the one who walked out on me. he was the only person other than his family who knew personal stuff about me. i mean don't get me wrong i talk to other drivers but i keep my personal and professional life seperate, i took that away from my childhood. 
my eyes felt heavy, like they could close any second, but also no feeling of tiredness in them. surprising not surprising, i haven't cried. i was grown up in an environment where no one cried, and if i did i got punished for 'showing weakness'. i didn't understand, i was just a little kid, little kids cry but i learned quickly. thats the one thing my dad said he liked about me, that i was a fast learner. it was an easy skill to build when there were so many rules and many more being added.
i didn't think this was how it was going to go. 
it was now 10am and i didn't get a wink of sleep. i had just been laying in bed half staring at the ceiling, half watching tv, i didn't know what to do with myself. i was feeling many things that i had often felt at once before, in my childhood. disappointment, anger, sad, confused... all those feelings were crowding my brain and i couldn't think straight. but then, a thought popped into my head, it was fp1 today and i was of course see him. what was going to happen? this sort of thing had never happened to us before, we had never had a major fight where we didn't talk. i don't know what's going to happen. all i told myself is that i wouldn't talk to him first. he's the one who ran out on me, he's the one who's gonna talk first. 
the tiredness in my eyes had finally kicked in and i had huge bags under my eyes, the worst they've ever looked. i hoped a pair of sunglasses would distract so i put my plain generic pair over my eyes. i dressed myself in a red ferarri shirt and light blue skinny jeans. to tell the truth, i was not excited for today, i was not excited to see charles. i mean my best friend had walked out on my when i was showing emotion and telling him how i felt about him. that made me mad, i had never liked to show any emotion of that kind and he knew that, i felt as if he hurt me. 
i arrive at the paddock in get out of my car. swarmed with paparazzi snapping photos and fans yelling my name. all i'm worried about is getting into my drivers room and staying there till practice starts. i walk past everyone, soft smiling at those who smile and say hi to me, and finally make it to my garage. i see charles engineer outside of his, just right next to mine. i try to avoid him, try to sneak into my garage. he is a big gossiper and likes to know everything, which sometimes means he will pry, and i definitely wasn't in a mood for that. i managed to get into my drivers room without any distractions and set my bag down on my table. as i plopped down on my couch i let out a big huff. i was getting so nervous. i didn't know what was happening, i mean i hadn't seen charles yet but i saw his car as i was parking. that alone made me nervous, i knew i had to see him soon but i was too soon. 
they had called me out to go over my stats and what i needed to work on before they put me in my car and sent me off. i stood next to my engineer, suit hanging around my waist, and she had given me a bunch of statistics. "cat i don't know what your talking about" i laughed at her padding her right shoulder lightly. she turned to me her eyes dragging away from the screens in front of us, "of course you don't" she huffed at me. "you just have to push it a little farther, don't get me wrong, your doing very well but we want more than p7, which you seem to be stuck getting." she turned her eyes back to her screen. i nodded and began to pull my suit on my arms. as i was about to get into my car, helmet in my hand, that's when i saw him. i froze, i didn't know what to do. seems like he didn't either, he froze also. for a split second we made eye contact, then he dropped it walking to his garage as nothing had happened. then it had set in, the fact that i might had just lost my best friend because i decided to have feelings. not only i was i mad at him but i was mad at myself. why did i allow myself to develop feelings for him? why did i allow myself to tell him? what was i thinking?
i had to push all those thoughts out, i was just out to start my practice and we all know what happens when i let personal stuff into my head while im racing. i shook my arm, hoping it would shake the thoughts out. it didn't work. 
i pulled out just before charles did, i couldn't trust myself driving behind him right now. with everything im thinking about involving him, i couldn't trust myself that i wouldn't hit him. as much as it pains me to say, i understand why my parents had said it makes you weak when you have feelings. my racing was affected when i had gotten punched, now everything going on with charles and allowing my feelings to get involved, id just be better off listening to my parents. 
free practice was shit. i got p8, i didn't know what was happening. clearly i didn't get all of my thought out of my head like i thought i had. i walked back to my drivers room, shit around my waist and helmet in my hand, with my head down. i didn't want to look at anybody, didn't want to talk to anybody, i just wanted to be left alone. how did i manage to let this affect me so badly? was i just not a likeable person? i mean look at my track record, a fan literally punched me because he did not like me racing. 
me and charles came face to face again when we had a team meeting. it was awkward, we had been the first ones in there and there was a dead silence between us. me and charles sitting next to each other at team meetings turned to sitting at different tables on opposite sides of the room. everyone looked around confused when they walked in and saw us at seperate tables. 
the meeting had finally started after many whispers about our positions. our principle had finished off by talking about our places today, he started with charles. "charles excellent work, p3" he raised his fist pumping the air. they both exchanged smiles at each other. then, fred looked to me. he face abandoned his smile. i looked down, i knew what he was gonna say, i was saying it to myself all afternoon. "cali.." he took a pause, "p8" he sighed. "you have to step it up kid" was all he said. i understand, i go from winning in pole to p8. the mood of the room clearly had soured, everyone happy for charles, patting him on the bad and quietly clapping, to a silent room for me. i was disappointed in myself, more than anyone could ever guess. i was more disappointed that charles clearly wasn't affected by what happened. i mean did he really care about me like had been for the past 19 years?