Chapter 33

                                    

                                          
My body ached. Every muscle was stiff and screaming at the slightest movement, but I loved it. I reveled in it. I never knew sex could reach this level of ecstasy. It felt... A heavy sigh broke through my thoughts, and I spared a glance to find Xander stretching beside me. He was fast asleep, with only a blanket covering his lower body. We enjoyed each other late into the night, in every position and way imaginable. He had fallen asleep a few minutes ago. The planes of his face were set in a half smile, and his chest rose and fell in a calm, content rhythm. Thin, long wounds lingered on his muscular back, but they should be healed by morning. His black hair, like an onyx river, blanketed around him on the white pillow and mattress, and even in the moonlight, it was breathtaking. I'm not sure why I was in his room when he showed up. I'm not sure why I told him about the warnings. I was being foolish, but how can something feel absolutely right in my heart but so conflicting to my mind? When I walked into his dark room, I had no idea it would go this far; I had no intention of kissing him. But when he stood there, so still one could swear he stopped breathing, I had just one thought. Why? Why was the voice warning me about him? Why was it scared while I wasn't? Why did it feel so good when he touched me? So I did what I had always done: ignored it. I couldn't get enough of him. Enough of the feel of his skin. Enough of the tightly packed muscles beneath my fingertips. Enough of the velvety hair between my fingers. The short buzzed sides and undercut kissed my skin like wonderful, thin needles, and his lips tasted like mint and alcohol. His weight on top of me felt like a personal heaven, a place where I felt protected. Safe. That is what it felt like. 
I shifted carefully to the side of the bed, taking care not to wake him. Why did I want to be around him? Why did I want to see him smile? I had so many questions that my head throbbed as chaos took over. I've had intimate partners before and gone on dates, but none of them felt like this, and none of them made me want to stay. None of them stole my breath with a single touch. None of them terrified me like this. I wasn't made for this. He didn't deserve to be with someone who didn't understand what love felt like. He deserved someone else, someone better. Someone who did not threaten him with a blade to the throat. Someone who doesn't lose their temper over the smallest inconveniences. Someone who wasn't me. He was ruthless and fair. Strong but gentle. A monster with a smile that could put even the Eternal Lights to shame. A high lord. I was nothing more than an orphan. A child cast aside because no one wanted it. Jasper taught me everything I knew about family, safety, and kindness after years of darkness. What I felt for Jasper was the closest thing to love I'd ever known, but it didn't feel like this. This was deeper and heavier. I felt as if I was drowning. In him. And it terrified me. In a way, I never imagined something could. I've never been afraid or cared enough, but this... 
I quietly slid from the bed, taking care not to step on the broken glass next to it. During the hours of being nothing but teeth and skin, the room had turned into its own battlefield. Picture frames were shattered against every wall, curtains were ripped here and there, and a massive bookshelf lay broken and scattered across the wooden floor. I've never actually looked at his room until now. It was decorated with rich purple, blacks, and silvers. Everything was either moved or lying on its side—everything but the piano. Even the silky, silver shag rug beneath it didn't have a single thread out of place. I took a light step across the shards of glass from one of the picture frames that hung near his four poster bed, admiring the painting it once housed, now discarded on the wooden floor. The brush strokes were flawless, with not a single line out of place as they illustrated a snowy mountaintop during the Eternal Lights. The colors blended together like a river, the trees at the base of the mountain swayed in a phantom breeze, and for a brief moment, I could see the tower in Usunaar's temple. The one where Xander gave me a gift that I've treasured ever since. Was that when it started? Was that when everything changed?
I carefully took another step over an overturned chair, possibly from his desk by the window before gathering my clothes from beside the foot of the bed. As I dressed, I kept as quiet as possible, glancing up at the dark sky through the tear in the black curtains. I have never spent the night with others. I've never wanted to. But this time, I had to force myself to leave. I forced myself to take a deep, steady breath. It was just sex. Mind-numbing, soul-shattering sex, but just sex. That's what I kept telling myself as I tiptoed to the door, trying not to step on any of the scattered books or weapons on the floor. That's what I kept telling myself as I slid from his room and back into mine. That's what I told myself as I crawled into bed. That's what I will keep telling myself until it's no longer a lie.