Chapter NINE 🌺

                                    

                                          
   Martin Luther King said <<A man should do his work so perfectly that the living, the dead, and those yet unborn cannot do better.>>
" 
"I tend to tell myself that I am my only challenge and especially not to compare myself to others."
"In that case, go away". He said to me, while indicating the door through which I entered, about fifteen inutes ago.
" I don't have the possibility."
"I won't hold you back. If you don't want to, don't do it." He added.
Mr. Si's stoic declaration of "I won't hold you back" did little to mask his underlying frustration with the situation at hand. 
   Despite his outward display of annoyance, it was evident that he possessed an unwavering determination unlike any I had encountered before. In hindsight, I now realize that my preoccupation with my own troubles had clouded my judgment, rendering me oblivious to Mr. Si's genuine attempts to aid me in overcoming my challenges.
As the gravity of the situation dawned on me, I couldn't help but acknowledge the toll that my self-absorption had taken on our interactions. It became apparent that my reluctance to heed Mr. Si's counsel had pushed him to a breaking point. The palpable tension in his demeanor and the weariness in his gaze served as stark reminders of the consequences of my stubbornness.
In a moment of clarity, I set aside my pride and extended an olive branch, seeking to mend the rift that had formed between us. It was a humbling realization that my actions had tested the limits of Mr. Si's patience, and it was imperative that I rectify my missteps.
"I don't understand the meaning of *having friends.*" I don't know what it entails, and to me, it feels more like a burden than anything else."
It took a lot of effort for me to express these feelings, and my throat was still sore. I blurted it out spontaneously, perhaps to show him that I was willing to collaborate, to share, to grow. I didn't anticipate his reaction or my own.
"I told you I won't hold you back," he said, ignoring my previous comments. I understood at the time, but I couldn't accept it because it made me feel worthless. It was okay that I couldn't reach out for his help in time.
But this feeling was familiar to me; I had experienced it more than once. Once again, I could only blame myself, and I accepted it because I knew it was my fault. I wanted to thank Mr. Si for his patience, but he interrupted me.
"Don't feel obliged to tell me things, especially if you've been hiding other things," he said, adjusting his glasses and expressing his feelings. 
"This is our fourth session, the last according to our agreement. Everything I learned from you was through my hard work. Today, I expect your full cooperation; otherwise, we'll end this immediately. You are not alone, and only you can save yourself. Once you realize that your life matters, your dreams, passions, and ambitions also matter, have faith in yourself and try to love yourself."
His words hit a nerve, and I couldn't tell if that was the reason I was crying. As usual, I curled up on myself.
When I started these sessions, I never expected to cry more than once. I couldn't understand why he was so persistent; he had better things to do, yet he was there at every session, dealing with my difficult behavior and problems, trying to get me to open up, but I couldn't.
I was terrified of being vulnerable again, afraid of letting myself go and not being able to recover. With a trembling voice, I continued as if nothing had happened, telling him what I had never managed to say before.
"We lived in an apartment on the top floor. Every day, I watched the children playing in the city courtyard... I never once thought of going down to play with them. I learned their songs and activities by heart, almost becoming a stalker. My life continued with tears, living through others."
I realized that I hadn't changed from my childhood to now. I always spent most of my time observing others, never taking the initiative to approach them or build relationships. I was, and perhaps still am, a social relic.
Mr. Si had been silent since I started talking. He listened attentively without once writing anything in his notebook, although he usually did at the end of every session.
I was overwhelmed by dark thoughts and disconnected from my surroundings, still immersed in my memories and emotions. Mr. Si then spoke.
"Would you like to stop there?" he suggested, aware of my state. "If you don't feel like..."
I poured my heart out.
"My mother didn't allow me, but honestly, it was just an excuse... I was petrified at the idea of talking to anyone. So I did what I could at my young age, avoiding attracting attention."

                            
                              
                                
                                
                              
                            
                            
                          
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