Chapter 34: Safety of Captivity

                                    

                                          
"No, no!" I shout through the noise of the crowd but the voices of outrage are too loud and my voice is nothing more than a whisper lost in the vast ocean. 
                          
						
                          
Sadie and Jamie look up to me in surprise. "He did this too you?" I nod but desperately try to explain. 
                          
						
                          
"Eleanor, you need to stop," my voice is lost. It's like a ripple, fading as the sound waves go further. 
                          
						
                          
"This man has abused a citizen." Eleanor continues. I scream in protest but the noise is lost in my throat as it swells in anticipation. "Now you all know the rules here, and these rules apply to everyone." The whole population gasps, their thoughts confirmed as she pulls a gun out of her back pocket. 
                          
						
                          
I rush away from Jamie and push my way to the front, a race against time. Dread in my heart grows as I see her load and hold it to his head. "Wait! Just wait," my voice is weakened as I stumble over more people. I am so close, my body nearly at the edge. 
                          
						
                          
"I have to do what I have to do but I want you all to know that this is hardest thing I will have ever done. I am doing this for you." 
                          
						
                          
My body slams against the side of the stage, as the gun is fired. The words I was about to scream float into the silence and Eleanor finally hears me. She turns towards me, her face ashen as she throws the gun to the ground.
                          
						
                          
The bullet entered his skull straight through his brain. His eyes are wide, his nostrils flaring in desperation for his last breaths. I climb up onto the stage and cradle his head in my lap, repeating over and over, "It's okay, I'm sorry." 
                          
						
                          
His blood rolls into my lap, and for some reason only one memory comes back to me, of my Mother. Something she always used to say, "Grow stronger from the pain, don't let it destroy you." Now, I sit here, as Peter fades into another life, doing what I never could for my Mother. 
                          
						
                          
I let the tears fall, dissolving into his blood, knowing that I will have to stop and gain control. These people in the crowd in front of me will panic; they will wonder why I, the victim, am crying over the death of my attacker. "Come back," I whisper as his eyes close and his pulse fades from where I hold his neck. 
                          
						
                          
"Emma, you need to let go now. You need to go back to the infirmary?" Eleanor offers a hand, but I refuse and instead, I clutch Peter's dead body. 
                          
						
                          
While the rest of the guards start issuing the others out, one pries Peter away from me; then another sweeps me up into his arms, carrying me behind Eleanor. I struggle to break free, scratching and biting, clawing like a wild animal.
                          
						
                          
"Get me a tranquilizer!" I hear the guard yell. Moments later, I hear the skidding of feet and feel a cold, sharp needle being plunged into my arm. 
                          
						
                          
The world swirls, the drug not quite pulling me out of consciousness. The colors blur, jumping scene to scene like a glitching video. "What did you do to her?" I hear Jamie's voice through the blur. His face is blank; my vision is unclear because of the drug. 
                          
						
                          
"Put her down here," I try to pull my arm up to stop all the disarray but nothing happens. My muscles are unsure of what to do. The world is turning like I'm on a Ferris Wheel but suddenly the ride tips over and my view is blocked and goes dark. 
                          
						
                          
*                                   *                                       *
                          
"I still don't like the idea of this place," I hear faint voices as my mind awakens.
                          
 "We have to stay here until she wakes up 
                          
						
                          
and the others are released." A deep sigh arises from Jackson, the source of the first voice. 
                          
						
                          
"You're right, it's just that so much has happened and we know so little." People continue to talk and a tiny hand grips mine. It must be Jamie.
                          
						
                          
"She'll wake up soon, don't you worry," Sadie assures him but his hand doesn't move from mine. I want to scream that I'm here, that I am hearing everything but my muscles are paused and my mind is on play. 
                          
						
                          
In my fantasy, I imagine Peter, taunting me for what I have done; threatening that this whole camp is at risk because of me. Without their leader, their conductor, the train will derail. 
                          
						
                          
I twist and turn my body, hopelessly trying to awaken myself from the nightmare. Finally, my eyes open to a fuzzy sight, my vision just popping back into my head. Around me, in chairs beside my bed is the group, Sadie, Jackson and Jamie. Will has been freed from custody, and is sitting in a chair at the far wall. The bed lays in a white room, probably connecting to a hallway coming from the infirmary. 
                          
						
                          
Will's looks worried, constantly breathing deeply into his hands while staring at the tiled floor. I want to hide and run, just curl in a ball in a dark closet but I cannot, not when so many people rely on me, and my actions. My shallow breaths are too quick, causing my lungs to call for air. 
                          
						
                          
This was my fault. An innocent man was killed because of me. He has friends, probably a family, a lover and now, he's gone, because of my foolish behaviour.
                          
						
                          
I try to escape again, now craving a dark world, an empty world with no regret and guilt or fear and pain. I picture a lake in my head; feet in the water, gently kicking, spraying up foam and silver water droplets in the moonlight. 
                          
						
                          
"Emma," my eyes snap open at the sound of my name. "She's awake, you guys, she opened her eyes!" Everyone's head turns in my direction; there's expression of surprise and smiles, but I still feel awful. 
                          
						
                          
"I need to go, we need to go and get them out of the cells and just leave," I spurt out in aggression. 
                          
						
                          
"We can't," Will says quietly, still eyeing the floor. 
                          
						
                          
"Of course we can; it's not like we're prisoners," I attempt to push myself up, to sit and walk away, but Sadie places a protective hand against my chest, pushing me back down. 
                          
						
                          
"We can't," Will eyes the others, trying to decide whether to tell me something or not. They all nod going silent, "We can't because everyone is in quarantine."