Playing The Part

                                    

                                          
I play the part.
I exceed all expectations. I show up in public with Mila. Get photographed kissing her, dining with her, going to all the events with her. I breeze through the interviews. I'm all over the internet. I promote the explicit music video that everyone is talking about, my album, my new songs, and my tour. I pretend I'm somebody else on the surface.
For two straight weeks full of events, publicity, and media attention to be streamed everywhere for the world to see. 
I play the part. Make the money. Sell myself. This is what it's all about, right? Nate Hollan isn't a real person. He's a walking investment. That's all I am to everyone. 
This was never about my talent or my music or my creativity.
This is what I signed up for when I became Nate Hollan.
So.... I play the part.
And also once again have to hide any relationship with Julia.
*****
"He's not acting himself. I think he's falling into a bit of depression."
Join the club, Nate. 
I can hear Trisha and Jonah having a private conversation in the living room while I sit out on the balcony. Nate is downstairs working out - building himself up to continue to play the part. James is down there with him. It's funny how that works. I check out of both their lives for two straight weeks, and now they are pals. Not really, but James can't go down alone, so Nate goes with him, and they work out. I have no idea if they even talk to each other.
I try to ignore them both and focus on myself, but the reality is- I don't know who I am. Like I'm having some midlife crisis or nervous breakdown. I'm all over the news - the crazy ex Nate couldn't care for. The crazy woman who accused L.A.'s best physician of rape and then drops all charges... Even though the police report and medical documentation show solid, concrete evidence of rape. The DNA alone. The crime scene. Everything. But Jeremy Donovan wins. He always wins. 
I haven't really been taking care of myself either. No one knows, but I stopped taking my meds. I pretend to take them but now have a Ziplock bag full of pills in my dresser. I'm afraid to throw them out because Jonah or someone will find them because that's my luck lately. I can't remember the last time worked out. I'm actually starting to gain weight. That's hard for me to accept though Jonah said this is a good thing. 
I play the part, but the last few days have made myself throw up after, so I won't gain any more weight. I'm good with keeping my disorder hidden, though it still takes me a while to get those first few bites down. Now that I know I can successfully throw it up after, I don't struggle as much. No one has caught on yet. Not that they would. Nate spends his days working and nights with Mila in his pretend relationship. When he's not with her, he's downstairs with James at the gym. I'm invisible. Just like I'm supposed to be. 
James's sisters are back to visiting, but I have yet to see any of them. I purposely make myself disappear when I hear they are coming. It's sad. Because I really like them. But they think I bring on too much stress... so I stay away. I stay away from Nate. From James. From everyone. I can't seem to bring myself to make a decision, so I don't make any. 
I don't even think I'm with Nate anymore. The ring remains next to Macy's in the locked safe. We can't be seen together. It's Mila he takes on dates - fancy restaurants, fun outings, and events. I stay home. 
I tried to be in Just Friends mode with James, but it became too strained and too much work. I'm not in a good place to work on anything right now.
My PTSD nightmares are getting worse because I'm not dealing with shit. I go to the therapist but fake it the entire 45 minutes. Now, I barely go at all. I deal with my nightmares alone because I sleep on the couch. I sleep on the damn couch! I don't sleep in Nate's bed or James, and no one is getting action. I guess you could say we are ALL miserable right now.