Chapter 41

                                    

                                          
ANDREA
 
"So are things better with Miles?" Jennifer asks me a few days after the guy in question had unofficially moved out. I couldn't stop him from leaving the first day, and now every day he comes by to get his things and leave again. I've never held my breath faster when he is here, hoping that he will stay, and when he leaves all over again, it hurts. Why couldn't he stay? Why couldn't he just go back to being my friend like we did before we got together? 
 
Because he was in love with me.
 
I'd been an idiot to not realize the words he wasn't stating to me. It's my fault really for not seeing the words he truly meant to say all of those times he expressed how much he liked me. He loved me. All this time. He has been in love with me in the way he took care of me tenderly and in the way he touched me the same. His love for me was so gentlehearted that I'd been so wrapped up in it to not relaizd it. 
 
But he was in love with me. 
 
I knew it to be true as soon as he blurted those words out. As soon as a drunken Miles had shouted that things weren't fair because he was in love with me and I had broken up with him, the weight of what I had done settled in. When I broke up with him the first day and he kept saying we should stay together, it was because he loved me. When we spoke the next day and I couldn't stop crying, he had wanted to say he loved me. 
 
But would that even have made a difference? 
 
If Miles had stated his feelings for me loud and clear, would I still have taken him back? The answer was a simple no because to have him say he loved me was the same as him transferring his love into the things he did with me. To state he loved me or not was still transparent in the way he behaved with me. It didn't matter if he told me or not; the way he acts with me was all the same. 
 
Love wasn't the problem. 
 
Not really. I went to my doctor this morning without notifying Miles of it because every time he comes with me. This time I wanted to go alone because there was something wrong with me. Not physically, but mentally. Mentally, I wasn't doing too well in the way my mind was full of bad thoughts. Just that. I couldn't push through the good ones to come forth because there was so much blocking it. I wanted to see my doctor to make sense of it. 
 
She gave me the most sympathetic look I've seen in a person when she told me that it was normal. That there was nothing wrong with me. I asked her what it could be then, and she told me that often times people go back to feeling the way they did when they first learned they were pregnant. I told her that when I was first found out, I told my parents and our relationship had ended, and even though I was able to move on, I'm suddenly missing them again. Not my dad but my mom specifically. She told me that it was normal to feel it all over again. 
 
I guess that made sense. But what I couldn't make sense of was the fact I couldn't feel happy around my boyfriend, who is the best to me. I asked her what that was about, and she told me she didn't really know. But I kept persisting, kept telling her how amazing he was, but that I kept searching for why it didn't work between us. Finally, she told me that it was because there were things I was feeling regarding him. Things that may be small, but things blocking my thoughts anyway. And she told me that there were fears that I was feeling regarding the pregnancy, and after it, which is making me block out my boyfriend. 
 
She told me it wasn't specifically because there was something with Miles, but just because there was something with me. But it couldn't be diagnosed. Only that I was just so afraid of the future that I was repressed at the thought of him. Which, I hated to admit it, but it made sense. I hadn't felt anything big when he told me he loved me. I felt spiteful about it when, in reality, it would've sent me into turmoil. She told me that it was nothing and that over time, I'll be able to work through where my fears really lay. There wasn't anything for me to do but let time pass by.