46. Shameless

                                    

                                          
"So we're there, now it's real
Now that you have me, do you want me still?
My kisses are history, they go back a long time, uh
And I'm tired of loving somebody that's not mine, no
So many mornings I woke up confused
In my dreams, I do anything I want to you
My emotions are naked, they're taking me out of my mind (mind)"
𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 46: 𝓢𝓱𝓪𝓶𝓮𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓼
-What do you mean? Violet?- I think we both know what I mean, he's just trying to evade the truth. Not that it will do anything. It is over. Finally over. 
A sob broke through me and I took a deep breath, whipping the tears with my sleeves but they kept coming. 
-Stephanie, sh...she was here.- Silence on the other end of the line made me whimper in fear. It's overwhelming. I want to not feel like the worst possible person in the world. I want to know if it meant something.
-What... What did she say?-Seriously? For real? 
A chuckle broke through me, and I bit my lip not knowing whether I am laughing or crying. It is almost surreal. 
-She knows, Nicholas. She was here because she knows.- No, she was here to chat with me and drink tea. What an absurd thought that is. We both know there was never a reason for her to seek me out except in the scenario that just happened. 
-Fuck... Fuck... W...what... What did you tell her?- I put my head on my knees, curled up against my front door, and shrugged because it's hard to talk right now. The sobs are trapped in my throat, suffocating me, I can't speak, I can't breathe. 
There is the sound of throwing and moving something around on the other end of the line, it made me flinch. Suddenly it went silent and I heard a long sigh from him.
-Violet... Are you okay?- No, of course, I am not. I shook my head, again getting frustrated with the realization that he can't see me.
-Fuck. Violet, breath. Come on, take a deep breath, and calm down. I need you calm, okay? It's alright... It will be alright.- I nodded into the phone, trying to do as he said. His voice is gentle and not something I expected. Part of me thought he would be angry. 
-I...*hic*...I...*hic*...She...- Every time I tried to get anything out, my breath stopped and I only got sobs and hiccups. The air is not going out, I am taking breaths but they are trapped in my stomach. It made me panic.
-Violet, baby, please. Take a deep breath, okay? Come on. Concentrate on your breathing, easy. Breathe in, slowly.- I can detect a certain edge to his voice, but also a concern. 
Okay, breathe in, slowly. The air is flowing into my lungs, I concentrate on the sensation. Everything will be alright, he said so himself. It's okay. I said I could take it. I said so, why am I backing down now? It was inevitable. What goes around comes around, right? 
-Now breathe out. Violet, listen to me, please.- It's better. It is calming me. I managed to breathe out and for a couple of minutes, I just focused on that, listening to Nicholas's voice. 
The sobs stopped, and I could breathe again. 
-It's okay. I'm okay.-
-Good, that's good.- We are both silent again. No one dared to start the subject again. I know he is eager to ask, to know. But I don't want to think about it. I don't want to repeat the stuff she said.