Part One | Dear Me, I'm Sorry

                                    

                                          
To the little girl I once was.. 
I know times were rough and I didn't handle your heart with care, yet did anyone handle you well?
Before we address everyone else, let's address each other
This is the woman of that young timid young lady that I once was
I came to say sorry.. 
I'm sorry for not speaking up when I should've 
I'm sorry for letting people walk all over you as if you were a doormat to a rundown apartment
I didn't treat your feelings with care, as I was too scared to stand up
I knew we were fragile but I let them throw you around a destroy you
Too scared to stand up to the bullies in school for making fun of your skin, your baggy clothes, and unkempt hair
You couldn't help your appearance as you're only as good as your parents allow you to be
I'm sorry for not telling you I love you and teaching you to love yourself
I opened the door for unwanted visitors and people who shouldn't have been worthy of your great heart
You had a kind soul, a gentle, giving soul.. 
Yet I let people take your purity away from you.. 
I let everyone chip at you as if they were chiseling
I let everyone peel the paint on the walls of your beautiful house of love and generosity 
You just wanted to be accepted and seen
But I should've taught you that you don't have to make a scene to be seen
I'm sorry for times I said "Yes" when I really meant "No"
I made you a people pleaser and a pushover
Trying to please people who would be displeased regardless of anything you could've done
The good grades, the kindness, being such a giver, counted for nothing when it came to your mom. 
There was nothing you could've done differently as she was as scarred and broken as she made you
I'm sorry for the low self esteem I couldn't get any higher
I put you in a box, afraid to talk to others, afraid to defend yourself.. 
I think I gave you the anxiety that still until this day I battle with.. 
I made you feel like you weren't good enough, you weren't pretty enough, you couldn't be anyone
But I'm sorry because that's all anyone ever told us
So I believed them.. 
I believed the doubts cast upon me like a spell
I believed I couldn't be anything because they told me.. 
I'm sorry for running away and not facing my fears 
What you run from is what you run into
I should've pushed you to be fearless in our earlier years
I should've told you it's okay to say things are not okay
I should've told you, you are not alone no matter who leaves 
Loneliness is a mindset and an illusion of the tainted and broken heart
I hope you smile when you get to hear that I find peace in my solitude now 
I'm sorry for our mom..
I'm sorry for the alcoholic who was hot and cold to you but never warm 
She tried the best she could but she was lost like you
A broken record cannot play.. 
The traumas and cycles of your mom rubbed off on you
You didn't realize it, but it left a stain on your mind and everything you believed in 
It tainted you, it darkened you, it contaminated you
You were too young to combat the results of dysfunction as it was all that was around you
But it's not your fault, you were too busy trying to parent a parent 
You were just a kid,
There's some more things I'd like to apologize to you for before we get into more
So I have to make a part two and I hope you read that part too 
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Talk about transparency! I hope you guys enjoyed this piece, I encourage everyone to write to their younger selves as it's very therapeutic.
I was laying in my bed and had an itch to write a deep piece. I've dealt with massive anxiety and self esteem issues. Massive abandonment issues and my fair share of bad decisions because of them. Im sharing my story and vulnerability to assure everyone that you aren't alone and to encourage everyone to vocalize their pain without shame, because it's YOU, and it's YOUR STORY and no one can take that a way from you
Tune in for Part Two ! 
Feel free to follow me on Instagram :) @ binderelllaaa