Chapter 5

                                    

                                          
Beyonce's POV
I gazed out into the ocean watching each wave come to the shore, one by one. El Jardin Beach was a beach my mother took me to as a little girl.
It's always been a very peaceful place for me, once I got older I came here whenever times got rough, until I moved with Shawn.
Now that I'm back I feel I needed this place more than ever, especially with the things transpiring in my life.
Months have passed since I last spoke with Onika. It's been awkward facing her. Not because she likes me, but more so because I don't want to face my feelings.
I know now she probably doesn't even want to talk to me and with Thanksgiving rolling right around the corner I'll eventually see her at my mom's.
Even through that though she remained mutuals with me on Instagram. I love watching her stories, and she loves the days when I post me singing songs I wrote.
That's also what led me here to the beach today.
I wanted to have a free space where I could just pour out my heart into a song. All my emotions. All my feelings. All of everything.
I cried as I let the sound of the waves and my thoughts consume me.
After a bit, I allowed my hand to write whatever came to my mind.
I thought that things like this get better with time
But I still need you, why is that?
You're the only image in my mind
So I still see you around
I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
Said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same
Words don't ever seem to come out right
But I still mean them, why is that?
It hurts my pride to tell you how I feel
But I still need to, why is that?
I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same
It don't matter who you are
It's so simple, I feel it
But it's everything no matter who you love
It is so simple, I feel it
But it's everything
I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away (but you're away)
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?
It don't matter who you are
It's so simple, I feel it
But it's everything no matter who you love
It is so simple, I feel it
But it's everything
I recorded myself singing each lyric I wrote, posting it to my social media. Closing my phone extremely after.
This song had many meanings. It specifies the grief that I still carry for my husband, and how much I miss him, but it also speaks about new love, and how if I decided to try to love again how hard it may be, still missing my other person.
How I want to tell 'the new lover' how I genuinely feel. But I can't wrap all of that into words because of my grief.
Once finished I decided to drive myself home. I remained in silence the entire time.
Finally reaching my house I ran myself a bath, to relax my muscles. I rested my head on a tile I placed in the back of the tub.
I groaned at how good the hot water felt against my skin.
While lying there, I replayed the song lyrics in my head over and over. It was my true emotion.
But the thought of my husband is what held me back.
"If only he knew I needed to talk to him right now. More than ever." I spoke to myself.
Then I remembered what he told me, In my head, it sounded as if he were saying it to me again.