ZS 18

                                    

                                          
River

This has got to be the worst new year of my life.
I mean why wouldn't it be? Not only was I so close to death, but I was also on the verge of losing the one person that made everything feel like life was worth living. 
And it sucked because if I wanted to show myself to Casey again, I needed to tell her. 
The problem with that though, is that I didn't know how to. 
I didn't know how I was gonna break it to her that I wanted to be with her for real, but also that it may not be for long. 
And every time I tried typing a text to her or on the verge of telling her, I just fold. So I've been doing the worst possible way to cope: avoiding her.
I mean, not entirely of course. I just needed to get some space to clear my mind as to how I was gonna deal with this. 
For the past days since we found out that my clock was ticking, my parents had me on a more strict watch, and it hurts seeing them be so miserable about my condition. God, why did this have to happen to me?!
By morning of 31st, no one was excited that the New Year was coming in a couple of hours.
Normally, we would've been preparing for some New Year's Eve party that my parents was hosting, but right now the preparation seemed to bland. No one had the energy to enter the New Year's with this news. 
And while I spent the past two days sulking in my room, I decided that today wasn't gonna be the same. My family needed their spirits lifted because I was still alive and as long as I maintained my health, there was still hope that I survive this.
Do I believe everything that I just said? No.
But am I gonna convince my family that there's still hope for me? Yes.
So as I watched everyone get ready for the New Years with very down faces, I cleared my throat.
"Come on guys, I'm still alive. As long as I maintain my health, I'll be fine. You guys won't lose me" I tell them. Mom, dad, and Jeannie all just looked at each other before giving me a soft sad smile.
Jeannie however, rolled her eyes.
"Does that mean you're staying here until your tumor is shrunk down?" Jeannie asked sarcastically while mom and dad just looked down. I sighed and gave her a reassuring smile.
"You need to stop worrying about me, you know?" I told her which made her sigh in frustration so I quickly grabbed her hand "I will be fine back on campus, alright? I promise. Your worries will not keep me alive more than I am right now"
I thought Jeannie was gonna say something sarcastic or get even more mad at me about what I just said but instead, she quickly pulled me into a hug and started sobbing into my shoulders. 
"I'll be okay" I assured her
"You better be" Jeannie said in between sobs before I felt my parents go in for a group hug too.
Once the crying had died down, I tried to lighten the mood up which helped a bit. We ate breakfast all happy and cheery while I watched each one of them intently, like I was taking a mental picture.
I was definitely gonna miss this. I missed how lively my family used to be. How my family used to be before we all found out that I had cancer.
We spent the entire morning hanging out in the dining room even though we had all finished breakfast hours ago, and the only reason we had to do other stuff was when we remembered that we still had some things we had to do for later tonight, so we got off the dining table and started working at the kitchen for the afternoon.