Chatpter 12

                                    

                                          

!TW - Anxiety, Depression!
December 
Maddies pov: 
When I step off the bus, a cold chill hits me. In front of me I see the schoolyard, full of children of different ages. The snow falls from the sky and leaves a white blanket on the ground. December is both a beautiful and gloomy month at the same time. All the children in the yard are laughing and playing in the snow, building snowmen and snow lanterns. Some of them even run around, but despite their happy faces I get a sense of distance from them. I myself can't feel their playfulness, the childlike feeling that once should have been so obvious - but never was to me. Recently, the nightmares and flashbacks have been coming more and more often. Every day the images tear open old wounds and force me to relive all the pain the orphanage and Mr.Smith put me through. Everything comes when I least expect it, and I don't know how to stop it.
With a feeling of emptiness, I walk to the edge of the schoolyard. My gaze wanders over the benches further away, hoping to distance myself from everyone else. To my surprise I see Emma, ​​sitting alone under one of the big oaks. She waves happily when she sees me, smiles a big smile that feels like a warming ray of sunshine in the frozen environment - both outside and inside myself.
I hurry over to her, my steps determined and my shoes leaving little footprints behind me in the snow. Silently I sit down on the bench next to her, and I feel how Emma's presence becomes a security within me. I try to give her a smile, but it's like the smile doesn't quite come out. She notices this directly, and she knows that something is wrong. She turns to me with wide, questioning eyes. 
"What's wrong?" she asks. For a second I hesitate, should I lie or tell her the truth. But as soon as the thoughts of Mr.Smith and all the memories come, I can no longer keep it all inside. It feels like the words have just been waiting to come out. Quickly and without a second thought, I tell her everything that has happened - What he did to me, all the flashbacks it has left, the nightmares and all the panic attacks. Meanwhile I talk, I look down at my hands that are in my lap.
Emma immediately looks at me. I see out of the corner of my eye how she comes closer to me and I feel how she grabs my hand, hugs it tightly. 
"It's okay Maddie, he can't hurt you anymore". I want to believe what she's saying, but it's hard. All the flashbacks feel so real, and I actually saw him in the schoolyard a few weeks ago - or was it really him? 
"But it feels so real, like it's happening again" I whisper. 
"Have you told this to Nick and Charlie?" Emma asks quietly, making sure not to scare me. Telling Nick and Charlie everything hasn't even been an option for me before. Emma can read my expression, and I can see how her own face is full of understanding. 
"Maddie, Nick and Charlie care about you. If you tell them about this, you'll be able to leave the past behind you." Fear and insecurity creeping inside me. What if they get angry? Will they see me as a monster? What will they do about it?
"But how do you start such a conversation?" I ask Emma with a shaky voice. She smiles at me, a calm and confident smile. 
"You can start by saying you want to tell them something. After that, you can take everything at your own pace, and you only say as much as you feel comfortable with at the moment." I take a deep breath and quickly realize how right Emma is. Hopefully Nick and Charlie will understand, and I realize now that I have to have the courage to let go. I need to stop this control I have of not trusting people. I can't bear all this by myself anymore and if I can gather the courage to tell them, maybe I will be able to let go of the dark shadows that haunt me too.