Chapter 14: Monster

                                    

                                          
Never again shall I ever commit such blasphemy. I am more than a man, more than the light. I am a god. No god can cause such pain as I have. But everything I've ever known was a lie. No rules apply to me anymore. I don't belong to anything, I'm a monster...
                          
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"I need to speak with Loki." I angrily try shove the gaurd starining me away from entering the throne room.
                          
"He's in a meeting at the moment." I have no competition towards this man. I can't get him out of the way no matter what I do.
                          
The worse I can do is read his future which I have no control over whatsoever.
                          
"Please, lady Sigyn. The allfather shan't be long."
                          
I restrain from him and keep calm, brushing my dress flat and neat.
                          
"I'm sorry for my behaviour." I give him a convincing enough smile to get him off his gaurd for a brief moment.
                          
"It was all my doing, m'lady." He bows his head.
                          
Stupid.
                          
I dart past him knocking him onto the ground and break through the doors to find Loki just sitting on the throne with no one around but a few gaurds.
                          
"You're not a very good liar." I turn towards the fallen gaurd.
                          
"Allfather, I tried telling her that you weren't available at the moment bu-" 
                          
"Let her come forward." Loki's strong demeaning voice echoes through the golden room.
                          
The gaurd stutters under his breath and stumbles out of the room back to his watch.
                          
"Come forth." 
                          
I walk across the huge room towards the man I can no longer recognize.
                          
"I wish to speak with you," I gaze between the two gaurds near him, "alone."
                          
The gaurds give him a weary look, Loki rolls his eyes and stands up.
                          
"Let us have this in solitude." He pauses. "Sigyn couldn't hurt a shade of grass."
                          
The guards leave and one guard gives me a sympathetic gaze as if he knew that last remark hurt me terribly. 
                          
"What do you want, Sigyn." He slumps back onto 'his' throne looking desperately bored.
                          
"I'm worried about you, and so is Frigga. We do not feel safe." I try not to make any eye contact with him. But I cannot resist, he raises an eyebrow and slowly gets up from the throne and walks steadily towards me.
                          
"Do you think I'm that stupid? You can't lie to me, Sigyn. I know how you feel already, I can smell the pathetic stench of your pride." Loki says through his teeth.
                          
"SHUT IT NOW!" I scream from the top of my lungs without a thought, I'm almost as surprised as Loki but judging from the horrified shock on his face I wouldn't bet to be near it.
                          
"I do not now what has gotten into you lately but I will not put up with it any longer. You're being selfish and unaware of the others mentality around you. I'm on the edge of the world, Loki. I need the old Loki back, the one who held me when I shown the slightest of negativity. The Loki who cared so much about his family."
                          
Loki stares at the shining floor in despair. He looks back at me and his eyes are as red and glossy as ever. My chest tightens and the first thing I think of is to touch him.
                          
I try to hold his face but he grabs my hands and pushes them away.
                          
"I never deserved you." A flash of shock fills me with pain, and as he tries to walk away I grab his hand more tightly than ever.
                          
"It's okay Loki, this can all change-" 
                          
"You cannot change what I am. You have no clue as to who you think I am. Sigyn, I'm a monster, I cause fear to others. I am a worthless cause and you shouldn't have such a thing that I am!" He pauses and is breathing hard, almost in tears.
                          
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My body is completely frozen, stuck in place, suddenly I get fidgety, and I open my mouth to speak, but I can't think of anything to say.
                          
"Don't be afraid. I could never hurt you." Loki embraces me into a kiss, which is the last action I would've expected at this time. "I only have a dim candle guiding me. That's you, Sigyn. You can choose to blow yourself out, I will not force your decision."
                          
"You have changed into such a gentle man in a fraction of a second, Loki. This passion will not win me over." I pull myself from his grasp. Although I've longed for his touch and taste, I can't bare to let myself succumb to his affection before getting some answers.
                          
"I never said that I wanted this! This burden came to me, Sigyn." 
                          
Before I could say another word the gaurds come back in my take their places, and the messanger as well.
                          
He kneels at the bottom where the stairs start and raises his head go speak.
                          
"The warrior's three and Lady Sif wish to speak with you." 
                          
"One moment." He voice is suddenly calm but I can sense a hint of anger still inside him.
                          
I look at Loki to see his blank expression staring back at me. He grabs my arm without no force whatsoever and pulls me close.
                          
"Go to my chambers. I promise I will be there shortly." I knod and head towards the servants entrance.
                          
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I spent barely five minutes pacing around Loki's room thinking of what to say or even ask. Before my confrontation with him I had a lot to say. I knew what exactly to ask, but now my mind is blank. 
                          
Completely blank.
                          
Oh, Loki. What is going on?
                          
I bite my lip in frustration and kick the vanity chair. It falls over and the handle breaks off. I scurry to the fallen chair and try to repair it but I get a splinter in my finger. Why couldn't things just go right for once?
                          
"Sigyn?" 
                          
"Loki!" I get up off the floor and jump into Loki's arms. "I am so sorry."
                          
"You have nothing to apologize for." Loki pushes me away from him and takes his helmet off.
                          
"Yes, I do. I haven't been there for you when the burden of the throne fell into your place after Thor was banished. I'm here bow and I am not leaving." I smile and kiss his forehead. Loki sighs and looks away from me.
                          
"We are on the brink of war." Loki huffs and sits onto his bed, obviously stressed and frightened.
                          
"War? With the frost giants? Whist the Allfather is in Odinsleep, Asgard is going to need as much strength as possible. You need Thor back." I stand in front of him and grab his hands tightly so he won't pry them away.
                          
"I cannot undo the kings' last command." Loki holds me loosely.
                          
"What are we going to do?" I sob at the idea of a war. A real war with death and sacrifice. Against monsters.
                          
"I have to tell you something I can bo longer keep hiding away from you." Loki stands up and his nose barely touches mine as his closes his eyes, holding mine gands tighter.
                          
"What is it?" I look at his closed eyes and his skin starts to turn blue. I freeze in fear and shock. Lines form over his face and I feel my body getting colder. He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes, revealing red.
                          
The one answer I wanted is right in front of me.
                          
My Loki is a frost giant.