Chapter 2

                                    

                                          
--I wake up hyperventilating--
I take heavy quick breaths and sit up on my bed, gripping the fabric of my clothes while hyperventilating
This time, I didn't forget about my dream.
The atmosphere was dark and vivid and I could barely see, but I could still remember the dream.
I stand up, my feet meeting the cold floor, every step feels like stepping on thick ice
...
I enter the bathtub with boiling hot water, my small body floating on the bathtub
Somehow, no matter how hot or cold the water is the feeling on my body never goes away.
...
I step out of the bathtub, draining the water and drying my body.
How could a 8 year old like me be left alone? Aren't I supposed to be having fun with my siblings?
...
This is my everyday.
Everyday feels like living on a time loop.
Nothing new.
It's so boring
What am I supposed to do with my life..?
...
I always skipped school, I only went to school when I felt like it.
...
I take a bite of pasta, eating on the dining kitchen next with my siblings.
"Eat quietly Shuuka. You're not a child."
...
...
...
I take another bite of pasta, quietly.
I take another bite of pasta, quietly.
I take another bite of pasta, quietly.
I thought to myself, "This all feels like a ritual. Why must we have to eat at the same time?".
I take another bite of pasta, quietly.
I take another bite of pasta, quietly.
My eyes widen as I see what my older brother is looking at on his computer.
"Look at it Shuuka, you look so beautiful." Ryan, my older brother said as he grabs my chin forcibly and force me to look at the photos.
"Thank you one-san." I say with a gentle smile as I look at the photos of me on Ryan's computer.
...
I hug my knees and quietly sob underneath my blankets.
"I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU." I thought to myself as I pull my hair, still covered underneath my blankets
I hug myself, right now, all I want is to melt and get swallowed by the floor.
"why would he do that to me while unconscious..?" I thought to myself, pulling my hair so strong while tears flow down my face
...
...
...
This is my everyday.
Somehow, all they said was I needed pain to grow up strong.
I don't need to be strong. I need to be safe. I'm only 8 afterall.
I feel like a doll.
A doll.
A doll to strip naked, to treat the way whatever you want, to make it dance to your tune, I hate it.
Maybe I deserve this.
Ever since my siblings perpretrated such selfish desired crime on me, I could never look at food the same way ever again.
I didn't want to eat, I was forced to eat.
So I threw up.
But it seems that I can't even get myself to put two fingers inside my throat.
It reminds me of something.
Everything is just a reminder of my trauma afterall.