V. Memories

                                    

                                          
1st day of Tenebris (Two moons before meeting Elias)
Cassian's POV
"Hellooooo, Cassian?"
I blinked, the smoke dissolving from my mind, replaced by the soft sunlight of the royal courtyard. Samaria stood in front of me, her brows furrowed in concern. She poked my forehead again, lighter this time, her lips curled into a half-smile.
"You alive in there blondie?" she teased, though her eyes were worried.
I forced a smile, though still caught up in my thoughts. "Yeah, I'm good. What were you saying?"
Samaria's worried eyes softened a little, though I could still see the question behind them. Always worrying.
She tilted her head, unconvinced. "I asked how are you going to spend your days off? I haven't seen you relax in... well, ever. You've got to have something special planned"
I gave her a playful grin, leaning in just a bit and speaking in an exaggerated baby voice. "Aww, why do you wanna know so bad, huh? You gonna miss me, Sami? Little ole me?"
She rolled her eyes so hard I thought they'd get stuck, and without missing a beat, she punched me straight in the arm. 
Hard.
"Ow!" I yelped, rubbing the spot. "You know for a princess, you are very violent?"
"Just answer the question you clod," she said, deadpan, but I could see the faintest hint of a smirk.
"Alright, alright," I said, still rubbing my arm. "If you must know, I'm just gonna visit Solidara, maybe relax a little, see some sights."
Samaria gave me a look. "Relax?"
"Yeah, I can relax," I protested. "Take in the fresh air, sip a drink or two..."
"You don't even know how to spell 'relax,'" she shot back, crossing her arms.
I shrugged, pretending to be offended. "You wound me princess, truly."
She didn't laugh, though. Instead, her expression grew more serious as she asked, "And what of your candidate for the trials?"
Samaria's question hung in the air, but I didn't want to answer. Hell, I didn't even want to think about it. My shoulders tensed, and I shifted, trying to brush it off.
"It's coming along..." I muttered, hoping that would be enough to get her off my back.
But Samaria wasn't the type to let things go. Especially not with me. She crossed her arms, narrowing her eyes at me. "That's not an answer, Cass."
She didn't let it go. Of course, she wouldn't.
"I know it's hard," she said gently, stepping closer, "but you haven't talked about it... about any of it. You can't keep bottling everything up."
I clenched my jaw, turning away from her, the weight of her words pressing down on me. "There's nothing to talk about."
"Cassian," she said softly, the concern in her voice cutting through my defenses like it always did.
I took a breath, trying to keep my emotions in check, but it was getting harder. The emperor, the imperator... both of them had been on me to find a new Praefectus, pushing me like it was just another assignment. Like it didn't matter that I was still grieving the loss of my best friend—the one person who should've been here, who should've worn that title.
But Mouse was gone. And now they all expected me to just... fill his shoes?
I clenched my jaw, a flicker of irritation creeping into my voice. "It's not that simple, Samaria."