Fallin' Flower - Hyunjin

                                    

                                          
I am so sorry for this, but I need to write my thoughts to comfort myself.
TW: Self-harm, heavy angst

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Silent, the world stays silent this night, as if emptied of people. But it's not silent for everyone. Instead of the dorm being silent, his mind is screaming with thoughts.

 Sitting on the couch, music plays in his headphones, the volume turned up and up, trying to be louder than his mind, but nothing can be louder than his mind.
Red drops from the white flower pollute his pure soul. He looks at his arm silently in the cold bathroom, wishing it was all a bad dream and someone would wake him.
It has been two weeks, and all he needs is someone to wake him from this nightmare. 
Or someone to find him.
 he can't even find himself, how can someone else find him?
He can't feel anything, no emotions, just emptiness with screaming thoughts.
 Thoughts about hate. He can't find anything, not his smile, not his soul, only hate.
.
Hearing the door of the dorm, he knows it's time for the leader to come home. He pretends to be sleeping as the door of his room opens.
Chan kneels to his head level, presses a soft kiss, "I miss you, Hyunie" he said gently before making his way out. Tears fall as if it's raining in December. He misses himself too, misses when he laughed with his mates, when he drew colorful and beautiful pictures, when he loved life, his soul, his voice, his face, his body, when he loved himself.
He tried so hard, but it's just too much. It has been two weeks since the company gave him hiatus time to recover and sent him to the company's therapist who didn't do anything but give him more medicine. 
But it's enough for him.
It's enough.

His ugly scars, his black shadow that he hid for too long, he can't accept it. He is so scared. He knows people hate him now. What if... what if his mates hate him after seeing his shadow? He would prefer dying to seeing that.He wishes someone could hold him tightly, not letting him disappear, wiping his tears. He has his pillow at least.
.
.
"Give me his food, I will take it to him," Changbin told Minho. He knows it is difficult to make the younger one eat in his condition. He knows that he hasn't eaten well. They are all worried about him.

He knocks on the door before entering. The dark is all he sees as the younger one sleeps hugging his pillow. "Hyunie, wake up. You need to eat." Curled in the bed, Hyunjin hides his face with the pillow.
"No," is all he says. He wants to be alone at this moment. Food will not help at all.
"Hyunjin, I am serious. You didn't eat anything yesterday. If you don't eat now, I will force you," Changbin scolds gently. He hates treating the younger one like this, but the younger's health is more important to him."I said no," Hyunjin says with a bit of anger, his voice breaking down at the end with a "please." He knows it's hard for all his members. 
They care about him, and he just makes things rough with his stupid feelings.
"Okay, okay. Can you at least look at me and drink some juice, please, Jinnie?" Changbin begs. He miss his smile, miss him.