Chapter Twenty - Billie

                                    

                                          
"I really thought she liked me," I said, holding back tears. I'm lying in my parent's bed, in my mom's arms. I told her about everything that's happened between Y/n and I. I told her about how we've hooked up and how basically everything she did made it seem like she liked me and that we were together, even though I always knew that we weren't.
"I know, baby, but it's okay. I'm sure everything will work out in the end," she reassures. I don't say anything I just burst out in tears, unable to stop it.
After about another hour of me on and off crying, I finally stopped and calmed myself down. I'm kind of embarrassed by it but it's only my mom. She's always telling me that I'm allowed to feel any emotion at any time about anything. Whatever feels right to me. I finally decided to go home and finish packing. We start the tour in two days. I have to forget about everything and prepare for that. That's my number one priority right now.
-
"That was your very first show back. How do you feel?" Finneas asks me. I have the biggest smile on my face and I have so much adrenaline going through my body.
"Great. I've missed performing. I forgot how much I loved it," I tell him. 
Y/n and I still haven't talked. I know it's probably irrational for me to be as upset as I am but I really thought something could've happened between us. I know that's probably stupid but she acted like there would be. We should've never hooked up in the first place.
My mom is still the only person who knows about what happened between us. I've started to get some questions from Claudia and Finneas about why I'm not talking to Y/n. They both said they would've expected me to be calling or texting her all the time. I kind of did, too but then she turned around and slept with somebody else.
I have no right to be so upset about that. I know we weren't dating. Nothing was ever said about what we were. It's my fault for getting my hopes up. I should've never let myself get so attached. But it was hard. She was so nice and kind and gentle. She always paid when she took me out to eat. She opened every single door for me. She asked permission before doing anything. She was always there for me when I needed it. Of course, I would fall for someone who would do all that. But why do all that if you don't have any intentions of dating someone? That's just horrible. Maybe it's both of our faults. 
-
"So, are you gonna tell me why I never see you texting Y/n?" Claudia asks me. I sigh. Here we go again. I haven't had a break from her asking this for three weeks. She's asked every single day since the tour started. I'm going to lose my mind if I have to hear her name again.
"How many times are you going to ask me that question?" I ask her.
"Until you tell me why you haven't been talking to Y/n," I rolled my eyes and looked at her.
"Because I don't have much time to be calling or texting anybody right now," 
"Really? So you sitting in a hotel room, on the bed, on your phone is still too busy to text her?" I stayed quiet. "If this is your way of trying to push her away so you don't have to be vulnerable with her, don't do it You guys were such good friends, even if everybody thought it was more than friends," she mumbled that last part. Of course, they did. But they were right. I mean, we were more than friends but I don't exactly know what to call what we had.
"What if I said we were more than friends? What would you say?" I ask. She comes over to sit next to me.
"First, I would say I'm not surprised one bit," I laugh a little and so does she. "But second, I would ask what you mean by were," I bite my lip a little and sigh.
"We were never dating. We just hooked up a lot. Like almost every day for months. That's why we were always together," I tell her. She nods. "But we were never dating," 
"So, tell me what happened at your party. Finneas said he found you and Y/n outside arguing. You never told him what you guys were arguing about," 
"I found her hooking up with another girl. I know it was stupid of me to be hurt but it really did hurt me. I know we weren't ever together or dating or anything but I really did like her," I say.
"Well, it wasn't stupid of you to be hurt by that. You just got yourself in a really bad position. You have a right to be hurt by it even if she doesn't think you do," she reassures me.
"Almost everything she did made it seem like she liked me back. She treated me so well," I tell her.
"I thought she liked you, too. The way she would talk about you. The way she would look at you. Everything in her eyes and her voice said that she was in love with you," I laugh. "I'm not kidding."
"Yeah, well, we haven't talked since that night and I told her to never talk to me again so," 
"Well, I think that if you reached out to her she would respond," she tells me. I shrug. 
I don't know if I want to talk to her right now. I don't if I ever want to talk to her again sometimes. Other times all I want to do is talk to her. To see if she feels like the same. To see if we could fix it. But I know that even if we don't fix it at all it's gonna be in the way she wants it. Not in the way I want. She'll just want to go back to being friends. I wanna be able to put this all behind us and start over to be something. If she really does like me, why can't it be like that? Why does she have to hate relationships so much? Why did I get so attached to her?