Getting over and under

                                    

                                          

Wednesday. 
I saw Enid today. Guilt ran through my mind. All I could think of is her. It's wrong because I have Tyler. But He doesn't give me everything I want. He doesn't give me attention anymore. I noticed he's been talking to other girls, he thinks I don't notice but I do. This girl called "Tess" I have no clue who she is and to be honest I didn't care. 
And the thing that got to me the most is that I can't remember what happened that night I came back drunk from Bianca's party. I faintly remember Enid was there. She was talking to me and I got upset, I know that because I woke up with my mascara smudged. After that it was all a blur. I remember asking her to stay with me. Then I woke up and she was gone. 
I wasn't mad. 
But maybe I was, she left without no warning. But what if she did. And I was just too drunk to remember. 
I started to abhor the thought of being sober, my mind gets filled with these soul sucking thoughts and it makes me crash. It makes me life worse and I drink whenever that happens, maybe too much. But enough to block out those thoughts. 
After getting diagnosed with depression a year ago, My anti depressants didn't work so I stopped taking them, probably wasn't my wisest choice. But I found comfort in alcohol. Weirdly. But alcohol also made me into a monster. It's like my thoughts become a personality, a bitchy one when I drink. I become angry and really obsessive. But this time, I wasn't mad. 
I was ashamed that I let my addiction reach this far. 
So I went back to hating Enid. Of course, I was worried about her. Who wouldn't be. She looked destroyed these past few weeks, and I'm the one to blame. But she doesn't want to talk to me, who would. I'm not sure I'd even talk to myself. 
But maybe I was mad. Maybe I was mad that Enid had this huge feeling for me. She made me seem important and that only showed her what happens when you do that. You never put someone before you, because it ends up hitting you back in the face. She let me create her feelings even though I didn't want anything to do with her. 
I got invited to Tyler's birthday party, because we still act like a couple even though we aren't really. Tyler never understood my feelings towards myself. Nor did he ever seem to care. He was always angry. He always wanted me to be there for him, not emotionally but sexually. Some days I felt so in love with him. But some days I was so trapped. 
I did the only thing I'm good at, drink, of course. I didn't want to get too drunk just incase Enid happened to turn up. Which I hoped she would. 
I looked through the crowd. People I didn't even know were dancing, the party didn't need an invite so random people came. Quite unsafe but Tyler never cared about safety. Especially when it came to me. 
I scanned the room until I caught a specific blonde haired girl talking with this boy in the corner of the room. Quite secluded despite how there was loads of people around them. They whispered into each other's ears. She finally looked up and I saw her face. Her face. The one that haunted my dreams and softened my nightmares. Enid. 
The boy got closer to her. His hand pinning her against the wall. She seemed to smile at it. And I don't know why, but I suddenly felt anger, even though I wasn't even drunk yet. I turned into my drunk self without the drink. I had never seen myself like this before whilst sober. And it wasn't a nice image to look at or a nice feeling to feel. 
I stormed over to the boy and pushed him off of Enid. He scoffed at me in response. He revealed his hand wrapped in a cast as he goes to shove me back, which I grab onto making him wince in pain. "Do you want a matching one" 
He nods his head and I let go, making him practically run away from the both of us. I turn back to Enid who was already walking away, rolling her eyes. I followed her into a hallway and grabbed onto her wrist. 
"Sinclair. Wait"
"What could you possibly want, Addams."
"I want to talk about that night"
"There's nothing to talk about. I was doing perfectly fine with that boy until you turned up."
"Please he only wanted to get in bed with you"  I scoffed as she folded her arms. 
"I wasn't going to stop him" 
She smirked at me. I felt the anger rise up in me again, I couldn't take it out on her. Not again. 
I'm not mad. 
I repeated to myself. Maybe it'll calm me down.  
"Just leave me alone. I don't want to talk right now" The blonde said as she walked out of the door. The rain hitting her hair immediately. 
I felt myself freeze. My feelings were coming back, from when I first met her. She annoyed me. Her friend group annoyed me. Her boldness annoyed me. I could practically feel myself shaking. Maybe being sober wasn't enough for that conversation. 
I felt a tap on my shoulder, "hey you coming we are about to do some shots" I heard a familiar voice say. Which of course I recognised, Tyler. 
"Yeah..I'll be right there" I said and he walked away. But I still stood. Standing, waiting at the door. Hoping that maybe, she'll turn back around and forget everything that happened. 
But she never came. 
And I couldn't help but wonder about what just happened. Did she really want to leave. Did I push her. I was just trying to help her. 
Was she really going to have sex with that guy.