Chapter 37

                                    

                                          
How much time had passed? A lot had happened that day. I began the day with my adoptive mother, was ripped apart at the airport, and ended the day in a foster home. I was exhausted when the day was said and done, yet I couldn't sleep. The day was racing through my head, along with the events of the past week, and worries about the future as well. Worries about a future that I may or may not have. Here I was laying in the dark, with my body tired and my mind racing, I just couldn't get to sleep. Out of the many thoughts that were wandering through my head, the most pervasive thought was about Meredith. I thought about the words Molly said. She told me not to worry about Meredith, but I couldn’t help but to wonder how she was holding up. Did she even make it back home to Chicago? What was she doing right now? I had no way of knowing, but I had a feeling that she was probably wide awake in bed worrying about me. I wished that I could somehow contact her to let her know that I was okay. In truth, I was not okay. I was essentially condemned to a future where I would still be in foster care until I turned 18, and even then, when I would age out of the foster care program, I would still be in limbo. There aren’t exactly a lot of opportunities for people that don’t have a birth certificate, or any identification at all. I began to wonder what my life would be like if my transformation never happened. Meredith and I would have left that hotel in Cassadaga. We would have made it to see Chloe’s final performance. We would have seen the emcee present her with her first-place award. We would have all gone back home to Chicago together. Above all, Meredith and I would have continued to our lives together, and we would likely be looking through adoption agencies in hopes of being able to raise a son or daughter together. Instead, the tables had turned considerably, and she was going to be adopting me. Unfortunately, it was going to be a pipe dream and likely wasn’t going to happen. I had come to appreciate my new life as Olivia and had come to the realization that I wanted to live life as a girl and to grow up again. Despite my feelings, things certainly would have been a lot easier if I had just remained as Chris. I wouldn’t be sitting in a foster care limbo, that’s for sure. I stared at the ceiling into the dark void of the lightless room and felt so alone. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to snuggle up to my mother in our own home. To have her comfort me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I was fighting back tears, and I didn’t want to wake Allie up with my sobbing. I managed to collect myself and fight back the tears quietly. However, I was still alone with my thoughts in a hopeless attempt to try and get some sleep. I sighed. “What time is it?” I thought to myself. It had to have been at least midnight. Later perhaps. I sat there for the next few minutes, motionless, waiting for my mind to surrender to my body and try to get some sleep for once. “Psst…. Hey…. Olivia……. are you still awake?” Allie whispered from the next bed over. I turned my head toward Allie. “Yeah,” I replied. “I’ve……just got a lot on my mind, that’s all,” I continued. Allie sighed. “Yeah, me too,” she said. There was about a minute of silence. I think both of us were waiting for the other to speak. I spoke first, breaking the silence. “I don’t think I’m ever going to get out of here,” I said. Allie turned to me. “Why do you think that, Olivia?” she replied. “It’s been thirteen years, and no birth certificate has shown up. I don’t think anyone will ever find it now.” I said, my voice quivering with worry. “Don’t give up hope, you didn’t really have anyone looking for it before. If they are working with Meredith to try and arrange your adoption, I’m sure they have people from all over trying to hunt it down. They’ll eventually find it, Olivia,” she said, with a glimmer of hope. I wish I had the same hope that she did, but I appreciated that she was trying to cheer me up. I began to well up with tears and cry. “Olivia, what’s wrong?” she said, concerned. “I am Jane Doe. Just Jane Doe. I am nobody, as far as the government is concerned. I have no identity. Simply put, don’t have a chance to do anything. I am simply going to walk through this world as nothing but a ghost,” I said, tears soaking into my pillow. I was hysterical. All of my hopelessness and desperation had exploded out all at once. “Olivia……I do believe that you will eventually get what you are looking for. You will be reunited with Meredith. She will be the mother you are looking for. And, in the meantime, you still have several people in this house that care a lot about you. Plus, you have me!” she said, giving me a warm smile. I choked out a hint of a smile. Allie rolled backwards, away from my direction in her bed and tapped on the empty space on her bed. “Olivia, if you need someone to hug or comfort you, I’ll always be here for you,” she said. I smiled at her and got up from my bed and joined her in hers. I wrapped my arms around her and nestled my head below her neck. She wrapped her arms around me and brushed my hair with her hands. She felt so warm. Despite all my worry, feeling her caring embrace gave me the reassurance that everything was going to be okay. I didn’t have the mother’s embrace I would have had with Meredith, but being held in Allie’s arms was the next best thing. The concept of being held and comforted by a best friend was foreign to me. There were sometimes throughout my life that I could have used this, however this wasn’t really the kind of thing that guys did. These were the kinds of things that I was beginning to enjoy about being a girl. “Thank you……for everything, Allie,” I whispered. Allie looked at me and smiled. “You’re welcome, Olivia. This is what best friends are for.”