hard to choose?

                                    

                                          
it's been a week, restless nightmares keep haunting me - so i've decided to actually excuse my absences from school to just distance myself from everyone. unfortunately, i'd have to come back today.

it's 4 am, i woke up early. again. i never know why i wake up this early, but it gives me a whole lot of time to get ready in the morning. i make my coffee, stirring in the powder mixed with the milk and boiling water. i would just go to the cafe, but i don't even feel safe right now.

plus, i really regret the whole 'evelyn' thing that happened. eva would've texted me already desperately being like, 'delilah, delilah! where are you?' and i'd always smile at the fact that i could always hear her voice through her little texts. but now - she doesn't text me anymore. i really screwed up.

6 am, i'm laying in my bed again hearing my beeping alarm. after i drank my coffee, i collapsed onto my bed. strange, maybe i was drinking decaf instead. i get up, and rub my eyes. jeez, i look rough. my old mascara's smudged all under my eyes, gives me a bad flashback to a place where i never wanted to be again - my own bedroom in my parent's house.

i take my clothes off and hop into the shower, the warmness of the water heating up my body in an instant. i haven't washed my hair for a bit, i just didn't have the energy to do so. i rub the shampoo through my scalp and make sure to do my conditioner properly. i lather my body down with soap, then wash it off as well. 
i'm wearing a white tanktop with a dark blue cardigan. i pull down my sleeves and put on my bracelets. i put in my hoop earrings then do a simple ponytail. i look normal, good. that's how i want to look, i don't want people getting in my business and suspect that i've been rotting in my bed for the past week. spoiler alert: i have been, but again - it's not their business.

as i walk out of my dorm, i check the time. it's 7:34. so, 26 minutes until class starts. great - this would give me enough time to find eva, evelyn and mandy and explain to them what came over me.
but as i'm walking, i bump into gustav.
'oh, are you okay?'
'yeah, i'm fi-' my words get stuck in my throat as i find out it's gustav i'd bump into. i could tell he was examining me from head to toe, noticing there was something rather off about me.
he crossed his arms, 'i haven't seen you in classes lately, where have you been?'
'i just got sick, that's all.' i lie. i could tell he knew that i was lying, but i didn't want to dig deep into it and admit that i was just scared of being out.
'i know you're lying,' he hesitates but doesn't continue his sentence. instead, he brings something new up. 'there's a bake sale in the main foyer. wanna come with me?' i wanted to go with gustav, and honestly - i just wanted to spill my whole heart out to him and explain the real reason i haven't been at school, but right now i'm currently occupied with something else.
i fake a smile then chuckle, 'i'd love to, but i'm looking for someone right now.' he shrugged, then just nodded.
'alright, delilah. well, see you at class.' i waved at him before walking away down the stairs - gustav wasn't lying. there was a bake sale at the main foyer, but it was jam packed. fatasses. how am i going to find eva, evelyn and mandy now? mostly just eva, honestly. she's the only one i ever cared about.

i walk down the stairs and squeeze in between people, but as i do - i can hear whispers around me with eyes shooting into every part of me there was to see.
it wasn't the eavesdrop whispers about absolute nonsense, it was the whispers that gave you anxiety and paranoia since you know they're about you. i quicken out as the voices just get louder around me, and i can't debate if they're just in my head or not.

i let out a breath i didn't even know i was holding in as i finally escape the huge crowd, it seems now that i'm out of people's sight - they aren't looking at me. or at least i can't see them looking at me, which makes it a little better. i walk across the hallway - searching in every little spot i knew we used to hang out. then finally, i spot them. a smile of hope spreads across my face.

'eva!' i find myself calling out to their little trio. but even though i called out eva's name - evelyn locks eyes with me instead. she gives me a squint and a dirty look then whispers to the girls, obviously shitting on me behind my back.

mandy looks back at me, she looks zoned out as usual. she never has anything going through her head - per usual, so that didn't really faze me. evelyn had her usual bitchy look which severely pissed me off. 

don't get me wrong, the girl's pretty - but keep making that scrunched look, i can't wait to see wrinkles just start to emerge on her face. but the one that caught my attention was eva. she looked like she had so many emotions going through her head, poor girl. i knew she hated situations like these.

her face showed a clear state of: confusion, sympathy, anger and guilt. she was confused because she didn't know how to feel. she was sympathetic because she could sympathize with how i felt.

 she was angry since i started a scrap with evelyn. but most importantly, she felt guilty that she knows that i know that she knows that she just can't choose between me or evelyn. she knew how evelyn treated me, but she's been with evelyn all of her life - but she had a special spot in her heart for me, it was hard for her to choose.

'eva, are you even going to look my way?' i completely ignore the other two girls, crossing my arms then putting my hands on my hips.
'delilah, can we talk alone? in private?' she tilted her head up as she looked down while i was talking. she looked scared to talk to me, not a 'intimidation' kind of scared though, she looked more guilty scared. gosh, what is evelyn telling her?

me and eva then walk to a secluded spot not too far away from the other two girls near the lockers.
'eva, i can explain. i promise.' i almost start to pant, i just want to vomit all the words out of my mouth.
'delilah - i have two things to tell you.' says eva, her voice low and quiet - making her accent sharp.
'first of all, i don't think we can be friends anymore...'
i didn't let eva catch a breath before i yelled, 'WHAT? are you fucking serious?' i point to evelyn, 'you're choosing evelyn over me? you know how bad she treats me and mandy, right?'
eva shakes her head, 'i know, delilah. it's just hard to choose...'

as i'm about to continue explaining just how wrong i felt this was to eva, someone suddenly comes up behind eva.
'hey, babe.' he kissed her cheek.
'you're here already?' she kissed his cheek back.

i stared at both of them together, his hand on the other side of her waist.
tom stared at me with the most condescending look in world history, while eva stared at me with an, 'i can explain' look.
i didn't want to even hear her annoying ass baby-doll voice ever again.