Chapter 4 : Tobias

                                    

                                          
I read the note twice, frowning. My hands are shaking and that doesn't help. My head is suddenly full of memories and I realize I don't really know her handwriting. I would have needed this to be sure it's really hers.
For the first time, I go the window that I usually avoid and open it. I take a deep breath and look at the city where we belong. My thoughts are running wild, my heart's racing. All the memories I've been trying to keep aside for 3 years, come back at the same time. I see her face with her wide blue eyes... her smile, I feel her hand in mine.
I remember the first time I got to touch her when she got out of the net...First jump! Pride fills me every time I think of it. I remember her strength that she didn't know of. I remember how she stood in front of my father twice, in my fear landscape and in real life all the same. I remember how worthy and plain I felt when she was there to believe in me.
I feel her touch on my skin and salt on her lips, I feel her arms on my back... she liked running her hands up my spine and on my chest. I feel her body next to mine when...
I shake my head. I must not run into this, it could be all wrong I could be dreaming or in a simulation...
I read again carefully, there are hints that tend to prove it's Tris: no one knew for our date but her. On the other hand, the Bureau could have deceived her and got a lot of private information from her with the appropriate serum, they have so many. What if they had tortured her? I can't bear this idea.
I don't see the point of letting her come back to me, neither a reason for sending me someone else in disguise. If things were the opposite way, I would do anything to come back to Tris. Okay let's believe for a minute. I must know how it happened.
I go back inside and knock lightly at Christina's bedroom door. She comes out and sits back on the couch in front of me. 
- What do you want to know? She says.
- Tell me everything you know.
And she explains to me, how Matthew deceived us about her death, while Tris went to hospital in a coma and, after waking up, was obliged to hide with Matthew's help because of what the government would do to her and all the people who helped her.
After she has finished her story, I stay silent for a while then ask 
- Do you know what are these important things she wants to do?
- No, she wouldn't say, but I guess you must have some good place in it, otherwise she wouldn't have asked about you still loving her.
- What did you say about this? I ask raising an eyebrow.
- I kinda say you always had a place for her in your heart. I'm I right?
- Nice answer...accurate even if I don't really know what place is left in my heart at all. Did you actually see her writing this? I ask, pointing at the folded note.
- No. says Christina. The letter was already sealed when she gave it to me. Do you believe it could not be from her?
- I don't know really. I so much want this to be true, that I fear this is a dream that will stop, or some kind of trap. You know, I've learned to always expect the worse from people.
Christina comes closer and puts her arm around my shoulders. - Why not answer her then? You've got nothing to lose. And if it's a dream, it looks like a nice one to me anyway. She pauses.
- And her hair has gone white now you know. The death serum kind of poisoned it. I suppose if this was a trap they would have tried to make her look exactly like the Tris we used to know. Believe me, when you'll meet her, you'll know in your heart it's her...I did but you have to know by yourself...
I keep silent for a minute and take a deep breath. 
- Okay, I'll write back and see what comes next. Nothing to lose uh? Thank you for helping her and I into this anyway, whatever it is actually. You really are a precious friend Christina, Tris has always known, and I believe she was so much right.
I can see a tear in the corner of her eye, when she answers 
- Get out of here now! I think you have someone to write to. Be careful to what you say if you want my word, you never know who could come across your mail.
I leave Christina's apartment more puzzled than ever. Good thing I don't have to work today. I don't want to see or speak to anyone before I'm done with what I have to do now, or better, what I absolutely want to do now.