079

                                    

                                          
"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." — Alexander Graham Bell
Maybe I'm the problem.
Maybe I've made it a habit to get involved with the wrong guys. I've subjected myself to pain again and again at the hands of the men who are supposed to be my biggest protectors. Maybe what I've always needed is to protect myself from them.
I'm blind to the red flags until it's too late. I don't see the problem until I'm beaten half to death and lying on my kitchen floor alone. I don't think there's any issue until I'm running through the streets in the middle of the night in search of another dose of heroin.
Why, for the love of God, can't I find someone normal?
Aaron was abusive. He hurt me, both mentally and physically. He was degrading, controlling, and manipulative. He was a cold person, and I know he never truly loved me. I knew he was abusing me, but I let myself stay in that relationship until it was worn out to the very end.
With Harry, I did the same thing. I stayed until the last thread holding us together was severed. I saw the danger that came from staying with him, I knew it from the very beginning. Yet I still stayed until it all but destroyed me and everything I've worked for.
The main difference between my two failed relationships is that I didn't expect the betrayal from Harry. Aaron, sure. I knew who he was and what he was capable of doing. I saw how it was going to end. I let it play out anyway.
I didn't see things ending with Harry like this. I trusted him with every part of me, and the last thing I ever expected from him was a betrayal like that. His walking out on me so easily felt like a knife in my back. I saw myself with him forever, which is something I've never envisioned with anyone before. I didn't expect it to end, and I definitely didn't expect it to end the way it did.
Maybe my issue is that I'm willing to fight for people until it kills me. I'll stay on the train until the very end of the track. I'll stay and wait for it to collide into a mountain instead of jumping off early to save myself. I fight for the people in my life, even when I shouldn't.
I think losing people is the hardest thing for me to deal with. I lost my parents, and I lost my sister. Losing anyone now is traumatizing for me. Even if it's someone as shitty as Aaron, I still don't want to lose them. I hold onto them no matter what the cost.
I've never prioritized myself. Especially when it comes to relationships, I've always tried to make sure the other person was happy. I think at some point I lost sight of what I wanted and what made me happy. I was blinded by a weird need to please others so that they wouldn't leave me.
My endless cycle of self-pity comes to a halt as I pull into the warehouse entrance.
Elias requested to see me alone. Niall wanted to fight with me about it, but I needed to go alone, and there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening. I made him promise not to tell anyone, either. The last thing I need is that green-eyed traitor to show up here.
I park my car, and a few men meet me at the door. They guide me inside. I follow them through the same dimly lit hallways. I haven't been here for a while, but this place is permanently engrained in my mind.
The smell of it, the look of the hallways, and the sounds of the doors opening and closing. It all brings me back to the very first time I was here, and the terror that night brought me.
Elias and Aaron are both waiting for me when I'm brought into the office. They sit together, drinks in their hands. As they sit side by side, their resemblance to one another is strikingly clear. I'm still not sure how I didn't figure it out sooner.