chapter 25

                                    

                                          

You had returned to the Morningstar palace later that night with a lot on your mind.
By a lot on your mind, you mean Alastor.
He was unbelievably handsome and attractive, in all respects, from his personality, his gentlemanliness, his naivety he tries to fruitlessly to cover up, to his outward appearance, his clashing red and ebony tresses falling in loose waves over his face, threatening to escape the loose ponytail he kept them in, his flushed cheeks and low-lidded eyes from his drunkenness. 
He was so cute, so very cute indeed... So much so it made you question everything about yourself.
You liked him. You really, really liked him... More than just the strange relationship you two already had built on witty banter and the feeling that at any moment, the threat of you two killing one another would arise. You liked him more than just the torture sessions that you had once a month, more than his masochistic tendencies that drew you to him in the first place.
He was beautifully, irrevocably a broken human soul, and you were a fallen angel curious to consume that soul.
Your heart fluttered when you thought of him... Blush dusted your cheeks when you imagined him writhing in pain at your fingertips, and even more so when you pictured him holding you at night, married and possibly even impregnated at his hand...
Was that weird? You thought that was pretty weird, to be having thoughts like that. Particularly because you often had those same thoughts about Lucifer, your best friend. Why did your existence have to be so damned complicated? Was it possible to fancy two men at the exact same time? Was it wrong?
You had initially came into this only hoping to study Alastor's reactions to pain for your own sadistic pleasure. There was no ultimate solution to your relationship with him at first — he was only a toy you could play with and use whenever you desired, or, in this case, once a month. He was interesting, because his masochistic tendencies were more pronounced and obvious than any other Demon you had ever met. That's why you lent him your power in the first place. To see what he would do with it.
And also because a strange desire deep within you felt urged to claim him before any other woman could. Claim his soul. You knew that when you offered him the chance to earn his soul back by allowing you to torture him monthly, by stating that if he no longer enjoyed the pain you delivered him, he would be free, he wouldn't be able to do it. He was exactly the kind of person you had been waiting to meet for thousands of years, the kind of man that would never tire of you but never question your psychosis either. His disease of the mind was the exact opposite of yours, but all the same. He was your perfect match, honestly.
But there were two matters that conflicted with the possibility of you ever saying "fuck it" and choosing to pursue him for all that he was: one, the fact that you have no fucking idea if he perceives you in the same way or not. Was Alastor romantically interested in you..? You could see if he was sexually attracted to you. He seemed to be when you sexually tortured him in your dungeons, seemed to enjoy being at your mercy in that sort of context. But was he interested in who you were beyond that? Did he want to know your favorite color, your favorite food, the kinds of movies you enjoyed, the books you liked to read? Would he hold you, kiss you softly during late, quiet nights in bed...? Like...
Like Lucifer would. Lucifer would do those things. If only he wasn't so afraid.
Maybe it was better to abandon your feelings for Lucifer and pursue Alastor instead, just to see if anything would come of it. In your thousands of years of existing, you had never bothered with a committed relationship, whether it be with a man or a woman or anywhere in between. You'd been with prostitutes, wayward Sinners looking for a good time in a one-night-stand, and more. But had you ever even been on a date? Had you ever been asked if you had dreams for the future...? If you maybe even wanted children...? It made you very sad and dejected. It felt so useless, to even try to pursue that kind of thing when honestly you had no idea where to even start.