~284~

                                    

                                          
I spent so much of my youth wanting to die that I think I forgot to learn how to want anything different
maybe that's why I was so stunned when I rolled up the blinds that one morning last weekend
and the sun lit me up like a fucking glow-stick
time
it no longer feels like there's plenty of it
certainly not enough to hold a grudge against the biggest star in our galaxy
I just wanted to feel
why is it that whenever I remember those years
I remember repression?
shortage of breath
numbness
I wanted to feel something other than pain
and I fight addiction now
I fight it every day
except that I don't always
most of the time
I give in because I am twenty one and it feels like I have lived seven lives
there are some fights I've been fighting since the first day I knew what life can be like sometimes
and I think maybe
there are wars that simply take too much
too much time
too much energy
too much of who I have grown to be on the battlefield
I give a lot
but not her
her
I will not give
my friends and I know what happened on the 24th two years ago
it wasn't even a month after the restrictions were lifted
and I think we never came back
we never returned to school after that March four years ago
not the same anyway
not in a way that mattered
it was a generous bit of unfair I think
but saying that something is unfair is a fallacy
I was not raised to walk the earth passing my mortal little judgement on what was fair or unfair
right or wrong
good or bad
but there has been so much war
so much of what I remember of what should've been the best years of my life has been war
and I think there's gotta be something fundamentally wrong with that
right?
I mean
it's gotta be that some things are just bad and agonising and cruel
I think I write to stop the war
I have never known it so brutally out in the open but here I guess it is
I wrote to stop the war in my head when I was eleven
ten years have gone by
and I write to conserve the love I've always believed humans to be capable of into my funny little words in hopes that when read
they could remind someone what we stay alive for
why we need it as badly as we do and why it is also peace 
love
I think
is the most mundane sentiment of all
but isn't that the whole point?
it makes us human
we feel because we love
and my God
we must feel
we have to
because it is the only way out
love is peace