33

                                    

                                          
J felt the Airstation taking off. But she didn't really understand it. Her thoughts were still somewhere else, they had stayed with Newt. So she just sat there apathetically as Thomas was dragged into the Airstation. She only vaguely heard how the others desperately shouted Teresa's name and then flew away without her. So they had lost another one... 
This numb feeling hadn't subsided when the Airstation landed again. But when Gally tried to grab her to carry her outside, she gently but firmly pushed his arms away. She noticed how the boys were watching her as she walked outside herself. She couldn't say where she was. The sun was blinding. She saw a lot of green and blue. Nature. Meadow, water, sky. 
"You better take care of Thomas. At least I'm still standing," J said tonelessly and glanced over her shoulder. The boys, Brenda and Jorge were still watching her from the open hatch of the mountain. Caught, everyone immediately acted busy and turned to Thomas, whose unconscious body they had stabilized during the flight. 
Only Minho didn't stop and continued to look at J. But she didn't really see him at all. Everything seemed a bit blurry. No not really. Suddenly she noticed Vince, who was now climbing out of the cockpit. When did he show up? Didn't matter...
"I want to lay down," she said and looked pleadingly at the long-haired man. She didn't miss how everyone's eyes flicked to her worriedly again. Vince seemed to notice this too, and he nodded immediately. "Lay down, it's okay. We'll a place where you can be... alone." 
"Wait, I'm coming with you," Minho was already walking down the Airstations loading dock with Vince, but J shook her head. Minho looked as if she had pulled the plug on him in the middle of the movement. "But..."
"Boy, maybe you'll take it easy for now," Vince interrupted him when he reached J. Minho, who was still standing halfway, made a face as if he wanted to insult someone in the worst possible way. But then he did nothing at all and Vince took J away. She was more than fine with that. She had no energy to talk to anyone or even be around anyone. 
So she felt more than relieved when Vince left her alone in the small wooden hut. It was one of many that were set up here. This was probably the Safe Haven that the Right Arm had always talked about. But actually it didn't matter. She fell onto the mattress, which was placed on a wooden bed frame, like all stability had just left her body. Then she laid there. The sun went down a few times and rose again a few times. She had silence and peace for quite a while. But at some point she was awakened by the mattress sinking next to her. Then a hand pushed her aside and someone laid down next to her. 
J, who had been laying with her back to the door of the hut, didn't take long to realize who had come to her. Although she initially had closed her eyes while half asleep. Although it was night when she opened them again. Even though her back was turned to him, she recognized Minho. He didn't say a word, just laid there silently, not touching her. Only when she decided to turn to him did he speak to her. "I won't leave." 
"Okay," she replied. It was pretty dark in the hut, J could only make out Minho's approximate features. 
"Don't you want to ask me how I'm doing?", she mumbled at some point as he simply laid silently on his back next to her. But Minho said no. "I know how you're doing." 
"Oh yeah?", J put her hands under her head like a pillow. Now Minho changed position and turned to the side, so that they were laying face to face. "Yes. I lost him too, you know that. And it's unfair of you..."
Minho didn't speak any further. But she knew what he wanted to say. It wasn't fair that she wanted to be alone. Newt's death also affected the others. The others had lost Teresa too. None of them knew whether Thomas would wake up again. On the other hand, it was up to J herself how she deal with all of this. "Yes... yes, I know." 
Minho let out a loud breath through his nose. "You're the stupidest Shank girl I know." 
"Well then, it's a good thing I have you to talk some sense into me. You're always so grown up," J replied sarcastically. The little exchange briefly took her back in time. But reality quickly caught up with her again and weighed heavily on her chest like plumb.
However, J immediately felt relief when Minho reached out and placed his arm over her. Instinctively she moved closer to him and pressed her face into his shirt. She heard a few laughs escape his throat. But not the usual arrogant kind of laughter. It was a soft laugh, like if he was happy to be close to her. Then he slowly started stroking her back. It was calming. J had been sure that it had been better to be alone. Now she regretted every minute she had spent curled up on this bed alone.
"Minho," J lifted her head out of his shirt as she spoke so that she could feel Minho's breath on her cheek. 
"Yes," the boy replied questioningly and stopped stroking her back. "I'm glad we saved you." 
Minho didn't answer, so she snuggled back into his chest. But a little later, when she was almost asleep again, she felt him pressing a kiss to the top of her head. 
The next morning J got up. Somehow she expected her legs to be weak, but there was nothing wrong.
She felt the eyes of the others as she left her hut. But when Minho had laid down next to her last night, she had to think of someone. She had thought of Thomas because he was all alone in his hospital bed. And so she was with him when he opened his eyes. His face softened when he saw her on the edge of his bed. Then his eyes were full of regret.
"I don't know what to say," Thomas sat up with a groan. He pressed his hand to the spot on his side where he had been wounded. 
"You don't have to say anything," J said immediately and stopped him with a placating wave of her hand. 
"But Newt is... it happened because of me..." Thomas didn't let himself be stopped. 
"No," J interrupted him immediately. "I thought the same thing. I was angry, I wanted to hate you. It would be easy if I could just blame you. But Thomas, you're not responsible, no one is. This world is a terrible place, and we can be glad that we didn't all die." 
"A terrible place..." Thomas repeated, more to himself. J sighed. "Maybe not terrible. But what I'm saying is, none of us could have changed anything."
Thomas pressed his lips together and avoided her gaze. He probably didn't agree with her. She looked at him with pity. Even though Thomas had just woken up from a long coma, he had dark circles under his glassy eyes. And somehow he seemed to be in pain, and not just from the wounds on his body. J took it upon herself to believe she knew what Thomas was feeling. He probably felt the same pain of loss that they all felt. But he certainly also felt guilt. He probably felt responsible for Newt's death, for Teresa's death. And J didn't know what to say that would help him. She made an attempt anyway.
So she leaned forward to him and wrapped her arms around him. Thomas quickly returned the gesture. 
"I'm glad you woke up again," she then whispered. "I love you, Thomas."  
"I love you too", he replied and pressed his face into her hair. 
"So," she said when she had let go of Thomas again. "Now come with me." 
J gave Thomas her hand and helped him stand up from the bed. "Because I think Vince took us somewhere where it's not quite as terrible." 
The boys were happy to see Thomas well. And J was happy that they were happy. She should probably have corrected herself. The world wasn't a terrible place. What had happened to them had been terrible. But it seemed like things could be getting better now.